...F.O.M.O....

fomo
noun, informal
"fear of missing out"

The fear that if you miss a party or event you will miss out on something great

Growing up, I liked to surround myself with same-aged friends. It is through them that I developed most of the interests I have even to this day. My parents would attest that I spend more time with friends than I do at home.

In my 30 years of existence, I became close friends with a lot of people, but most of them I barely even talk to anymore. Despite how friendly I can be, I only kept a handful of friends around.

When I decided to get married, I knew that it would mean leaving those friends behind. My then-girlfriend had been based in Singapore for a year when I proposed, and it would be difficult for her to move back to the Philippines if we considered the financial implications.

After getting married, I was jobless for a while before settling for a cashier job at a nice Filipino restaurant eight months in. I had no friends of my own, except our housemates who were my wife's college buddies. I built new relationships because that's what  I do, but none can replace the void left by my friends and family back home.

Sometime a couple of weeks back, a sudden sadness gripped me. I saw friends making plans on a whim to meet up, while I felt alone and uninteresting where I was. At first, I felt like it was a case of FOMO.

I talked to my wife about what I was going through, and right then and there, she booked me a flight back home to meet friends and family.

It was a quick trip but I was able to meet the people I wanted to be with; my immediate family, my cousin Jon and his dad, my college family with Kuya Ags, my brothers in Team Flow, and my ates Sof, Inna, Len, and Ernestine. As always, despite whatever I thought I was going through, I ended up just having fun with everyone.

A four-day trip with a lot happening, but this is the only event that was documented; my brothers and sister from other mothers.

Upon my return, my boss talked to me about what happened, and he offered some pieces of advice. Among those, he told me that I wasn't ready to be a dad yet because I had episodes like this. He said that when one gets married, one should be ready to give up everything. I begged to differ, but with alcohol and a live band playing, I decided against getting into a more reasonable debate.

Let me share the points I would have raised:

Passion Leads You to Where You Should Be

I have friends who ended up in professions I never imagined they would be, while there are some who ended up exactly where they should be. My wife was very fond of Coke as a product that even her persistent stomach ulcer can't keep her away from it. How she ended up with a job at Coke is beyond us, but we're thankful for it. Our wedding planner, Pam, has what we think is a successful events company that she runs. While we're already amazed that she was able to do that, I'm even more amazed that she opened up a second restaurant because she's passionate about cooking. My friend, Christian, is someone you could consider as a slacker in college. He didn't graduate with us, but begged his mom to let him study law. Four years and one bar exam later, he was a lawyer.

After reflecting, I realized I wasn't like them who were passionate about something in particular. However, if there's one thing that I liked that hasn't changed since when I was young, it's being a father. Even as a kid I didn't know what I wanted to do as a profession, but I was damn sure that I wanted to be a dad. I didn't set my heart on a single career path, and it's probably why I can't find the right job just yet.

I wasn't built to sulk, and no matter how you see this blog or my intentions for opening up to my wife, I was really just trying to find solutions. One of the solutions I came up with, with the help of my ates, was to try focusing on learning new things that could help me build a freelance career. That way, I could stay home for our kids but still be able to help my wife provide for our family. Hopefully, things begin to get better on this front by next year.

Life Goes On

My biggest fear in life is death. I fear not knowing what happens after death - to me or to the people around me. To a lesser extent, this same fear was what kept me hesitant from leaving the country altogether; what happens to my parents who would have none of their kids at home? What happens to my last boss when we were the only people doing sales for the company? What happens to my friends who only needed a single text message to see me when they need or want to?

And then I jumped and ended up where I am.

The short trip back home gave me a sense of euphoria with everyone I got together with. While I am still uncertain about what happens after death, I realized that while I am alive, I'll always have these people around me no matter how far away I am from them. See, despite months of not seeing each other, it's like we saw each other just the week before. I missed them all, and talking to all of them made me feel at ease. When we parted ways, I didn't feel like I was going to miss them; whether they know it or not, they made me feel like they will always be there when I need them, and they will be the same people I have come to appreciate no matter how much time I don't get to see them.

Life does go on, with or without us together. However, I'm happy that the friends I kept are the same ones who do want to keep me as well.

Complete Surrender

I concur with my boss when he told me that one has to be prepared to give up everything when one decides to get married. However,  I don't subscribe to his idea that one should actually give up everything.

I think that your significant other married you for the person that you are, not the person that you will be when you get married.

I've been married for about a year, but I've been in a relationship with my wife for the past 11 years, so I believe that I'm not much of a newbie in this relationship thing. I've also had my fair share of relationship experiences from people around me. I've seen what happens when you jump with your eyes closed because of complete trust only to find out when you open it that the one you trusted for decades is catching someone or something else.

It's romantic to hear that you would give your complete trust to your partner, but if something goes wrong (i.e. someone cheats, someone gets too busy with work, someone chooses friends over their partner, a partner dies, etc.), it would be difficult for one or both partners to pick up the pieces of themselves. Sure, life goes on, but why make it difficult for the other to move on by keeping him/her away from who he/she really is?

I believe that while couples can trust each other completely, they should never lose their individuality. Two may become one in marriage, but the reality is, there are two people. One can't be just the shadow of the other.

As I said, I made the leap of faith when I chose to leave home. However, I'm thankful to have a wife who constantly pushed me to keep my individuality despite my surrender.

No Regrets

Despite the loneliness I felt that led to my sudden trip back home,  I came back knowing that this is where I should be.

Truth be told, I wouldn't have imagined I'd be married in a different country five years ago. I hoped I would be married by this age, but I didn't know how it would work. My wife wanted to do a lot of things back then, while all I wanted was to have family. I hated that I couldn't get married to her sooner, but I needed her to figure things out before asking her to build a future together.

And she did.

I don't know if we'd be married now if she didn't have the courage to move away from home back in 2013. We would probably still be happy with friends and family around us back home. We would probably still be living with our parents. We would probably still be working with our beloved bosses back home (no sarcasm here, we honestly loved our bosses). But we wouldn't be married, with the way our finances were and how my mind worked because of how I was raised.

Heck, we probably wouldn't even be together because she'd be too tired to wait for me to ask her hand in marriage.

Where we are now, no matter how lonely it could get for me at times because of who I am, is where I think we should be. We live with friends, but we manage our own expenses. We don't inconvenience anybody if we go home late. We spend most of our time in our own room together because our friends can't call us for a sudden get together like they could back home. We get to plan our lives without asking for anyone else's blessing.

We've grown up together, and we're only growing more as adults because our decisions carry that much more weight now.

I miss home. I miss everyone. But this is where we need to be.

And when we get our own little one, I think everything will be well worth it.