...Ander De Saya...

Ander De Saya
n., literally translates to "under the skirt (saya is a traditional Filipino skirt)"

We live in a patriarchal world. If we didn't, then women wouldn't have fought for equal rights for so long.

Despite all the talk of gender equality, the elevation of the male gender has been so deeply instilled in our minds and culture that some people cannot hide their honesty.

Women still can't drive. Men still wouldn't want to ask for directions. Women are not women unless they know how to do house chores. Men are expected to be the breadwinners of the family.

As a jobless husband of an empowered woman, I've been subject to ridicule by people close to me, and even those who are not. Some people say it. Some people imply it. I don't assume. I know.

And yet, it doesn't break me down.

It's not that I am accepting reality of being an "ander de saya" but rather because of the strong relationship I built with my wife. Yes, that empowered woman I am married to.

She wasn't my dream girl, but something drew me to her; from the day that I met her, I felt that I could grow old with her. It hasn't been perfect, but such is life. We'll have different perspectives on some instances, but we eventually figure out what's best for us.

After 13 years of being together, that energy that drew me to her has not waned.

I still want to grow old with her.

Every decision that I have made with our relationship has been grounded on that.

I was constantly by her side even if she had zero interest in me when we first met, because I knew that I'll have a lasting relationship with her. We broke up and I met another woman, thinking she won't find what she was looking for if she knew I'd still be there for her. We got back together after wounds have healed. I asked her to fight for us when she wanted to break up again because I knew that if she gave up then, it would be the last of us. I didn't ask her to marry me when she asked me because I knew she would eventually feel incomplete if we did right then. I supported her decision to work overseas because I knew it would help her grow. I asked her to marry me when I knew that she was ready because I knew that was. I left my life in the Philippines because we were going to start a new one of our own.

When we had our baby boy, we had to move to a place of our own in Singapore. After moving in to our new place and getting settled in, we sat down on the couch with our baby boy sleeping on our side. We had a realization that that was going to be life; just the two of us, sitting together on a couch.

And that is why I think I made the right decision when I pursued her as soon as I met her.

This is a woman I want to grow old with. This is a woman who I could talk to about random things nobody else would care about. This is a woman who will walk hand in hand with me on the same path in life that I will tread. This is a woman who makes me proud to wear a houseband badge without a care in the world about what other people think.

People, close or not, have given their suggestions and opinions on how a man like me should act in our relationship; some with pity, some with disappointment.

However, at the end of the day, without the eyes and opinions of everyone else, what matters is what our relationship is together; how we interact when we're sitting alone on a couch.

I still firmly believe that we are not given challenges in life that we cannot overcome. I think that everything will fall into place in God's perfect time.

While I am a bit frustrated not being able to help my wife financially right now, we both think that this is probably for the best, because our baby boy is still too young to be left alone.

And for that, I'll cook and do house chores, because this is what we need at this time. 

I don't feel less of a man doing what I'm doing, because women have fought for my wife to be in a position where she is in today, both in our family and in the corporate world.

While some find humor in this term and maybe even claim that those who are "ander" have no balls to be the head of the family, I daresay I have bigger balls being an "ander de saya" than those who use their balls to leave their families behind.

I am a proud "ander de saya" because of my family.

Celebrating 13 years with this woman. 

...The Customers That Grind My Gear...

Having worked in the food industry for almost a year,  I realized one thing; the customer is never right. As customers, we have this complex that we should be treated right because we are paying in exchange for goods and services. However, it shouldn't give you the right to treat the person rendering the service as your slave. You may be on different sides of the cash register, but both of you are making a living. And no, acting as your personal slave isn't what that person is supposed to do. If that's how you are treated at work, then you should probably make a blog of your own about how you should be treated.

Alas, this is my blog, and the purpose of which is to help you not act like jerks or idiots the next time you're in a restaurant.

I made a list of the various types of customers I have a beef with:

The Entitled

Who They Are:
These are those who would claim to come all the way from the other side of town who may have possibly gotten lost and maybe even paid more for the cab fare. Because of all these, they would like to get something more, or maybe even a discount in order to make up for what they spent on the cab.

Sample Conversation:
Customer: I'll have Meal A please.
Me: That will be x.xx dollars, thank you.
Customer: Can't I get a discount? I went all the way here to taste your food.
Me: Thank you, but I'm sorry, I can't offer a discount.
Customer: But I had to take a cab and I had to take a leave from work just so  I could try your food.
Cab Driver: Why the hell are you dragging me into this?

Don't Be Like Them Because:

Nobody asked you to put in the effort that you did. The payoff should be the food being good. It's not the restaurant's responsibility to make you feel better because of what you've been through in order to find the place. Don't get me wrong, it's heart-warming  for the restaurant owners to know that people actually try to find their places that aren't easy to find, but come on. It's not like they begged you to take a cab or whatnot. Chances are, you made the effort to find it because you learned that the food is great. That means, they will survive with or without you.

The VIP

Who They Are:
There are people who actually buy food, but later ask for something more. They don't pay more than the regular customer, but they expect something more in terms of service and food. To these people, I say; who died and made you so special?

Sample Conversation:

Customer: Can I get value meal A?
Me: That will be $x.xx.
Customer: Can you give me more meat and more rice with that?
Me, deep inside: Why?

Don't Be Like Them Because:
Your money has the same value as the person before or after you. Unless you are a stockholder of the business, saved the world from extinction, or are responsible for achieving world peace, don't think for a second that you should be treated more than the average customer. If you owned a restaurant and had someone like you as a customer, do you think your business would benefit in fulfilling The VIP's every request?

The Menu Maker

Who They Are:
Customers who read the menu, but when they go to the counter, they ask for a combination of something that isn't on the menu. As a customer, I understand the need to get value for money, but standing on the other side, I can see how servers are limited by the machines in front of them, and the kitchen to the resources that they have.

Sample Conversation:
Customer: Can I get the Meal A, with Meal B on the side for the price of the ala carte meat?
Me: No, sorry.
Customer: Why?
In my head:  If I tell you, I'd have to kill you.

Don't Be Like Them Because:
The restaurant is not your kitchen. If you want things done your way, no one will question you in your own kitchen. However, in a restaurant with a set menu, you just point to what you like and deal with how it is served to you. Not every restaurant has a secret menu, unlike what the internet would want you to believe.

The Genius

Who They Are:
Much like the Menu Makers, these are customers who think they have a brilliant idea about your menu that they seem to believe you have not thought of yet. While the Menu Makers read off their "brilliant" combinations from the menu, The Geniuses tell you what's missing from your menu.

Sample Conversation:
Customer: Do you have Sinigang?
What I actually say: No sir/ma'am.
What I really want to say: You do have eyes to read that it's not on the menu, right?
Customer: You know, you should. Because it's sinigang. People love sinigang.
Me: We have a roasting pit. It's a bit difficult to roast sinigang. But sure, we'll keep that in mind. Thank you! (Yes, I am an asshole.)

Don't Be Like Them Because:
When a restaurant is put up, the owners have painstakingly thought of what kind of food they want to serve. It may be driven by their passion, their beliefs, their family, or whatnot. As such, their menu is a reflection of all these. When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you can hope for sushi, but don't expect every Japanese restaurant has it. I think it borders on racism, reducing a cuisine to one or two dishes.


The Businessman

Who They Are:
They are the combination of the VIP and The Genius. They are customers who know better than the server or the owner. They will insist on what should be on the restaurant's menu or what the price should be. They don't want instant gratification the way VIPs want, but their egos want to believe that you will adjust your business according to their preference.

Sample Conversation:
Customer: I want the meal A please.
Me: That will be x.xx dollars please.
Customer: You know, this should only be y.yy dollars. It's too expensive!
The Sarcastic Side of my Brain: Wow you are absolutely right! We are robbing people! We should oust our boss and put you in charge instead!
Me: Sorry sir, I just punch your order, I don't make the prices.
Customer: Yes, I know. But you should tell your boss that. And you should also have sinigang on your menu!

Don't Be Like Them Because:

There are several factors running a business, and even if you know a thing or two about it, you probably don't know all the variables the particular business is working with. Because if you did, why are you ordering food and not putting up your own business in the same area? Permits, work force, supply cost and rent are just a few factors that need to be considered by the business owner in deciding what food they will serve and how much it should be sold. The menu is a product of months or probably years of tedious feasibility studies, savings, and passion, and you insisting your needs or wants on the menu is an insult to everything that they have worked for.

The Always-On-The-Go

Who They Are:
People who can't wait to get their turn, and either cuts the line or keep asking questions even if the server is entertaining another customer. Time moves the same way for everyone, but these people seem to believe that their time is more important than other people's.

Sample Conversation: 
Customer: I'd like to order...
The AOTG: Hi, do you have Meal A?
Me: (to AOTG) Yes. (To cutomer) Sorry about that, can I get your order?
The AOTG: Hi, hi, so can I also get that to go?
Me: (To AOTG) Sorry, let me just finish their order.
The AOTG: Ok, ok.
*AOTG's turn*
The AOTG: Hi, so I'd like to have Meal A to go please.
Me: Alright. That will be x.xx dollars. Here's your number, and I'll buzz you once it's ready.
The AOTG: Here you go. How long do I have to wait?
Me: There's a queue, so I can't say for certain.
The AOTG: Yeah, but how long?
Me: ...
Buzzer: ....
Meal A: ....
*When Meal is ready*
The AOTG: Can I also get a drink with that?
Me: Sure, that will be SGD2.00.
The AOTG: *hands over SGD100* Where's the ice?
Me: Let me get your drink first.
The AOTG: Do you have straws?
My hands, probably: There's only two of us, you know.

Don't Be Like Them Because:
People care about their time as well. What you need is a vending machine with no queues, not a restaurant open to the public. Also, understand that your server doesn't have eight hands to attend to your every need as soon as you say it.

The Insta-Fresh

Who They Are:
Customers who order from a fast food, want their food ready as soon as they finish talking, but require it to be "freshly" cooked. Very similar to The Always-On-The-Go people, but more whiny because they complain about the "freshness" of their food.

Sample Conversation:
Customer, at 3PM: I'd like lechon with rice.
Me: That will be x.xx dollars. Thank you!
Customer: *doesn't leave the counter* Is it ready yet?
Me: It should be fast, they will just chop it for you.
*Food comes out under 2 minutes*
Customer: Is it freshly cooked?
Me: No, it was cooked for the lunch crowd at 12 noon.
Customer: But I want mine freshly cooked. Can't you cook one for me?
The devil inside me: Then you came to the wrong place.
Me: Sorry, but the next batch of freshly cooked ones will be at 6pm.

Don't Be Like Them Because:
Food needs to be cooked. Cooking food takes time. How the hell are you expecting freshly cooked food in two minutes? You can't go to a fast food chain and ask for "freshly cooked" food and expect it to actually be cooked in two minutes. It's called "fast" food, but they don't make miracles happen. On that note, understand the type of food you want to eat. Burgers and sandwiches could be freshly prepared and cooked for you easily. If you want to eat meat from a whole roast pig, understand that it won't be cooked at your convenience.

The Thinker

Who They Are:
People who take forever going through the whole menu, then either call the server or stand in front of the queue and still take another lifetime to place their order. These are the mortal enemies of the Instant Fresh Food and the Always-On-The-Go.

Sample Conversation:
*After 5 minutes staring at a menu consisting of literally 4 types of meat*
Customer: Hi. *Intensely looking at the menu* Uhm... can I get... wait.
My eyes: Sure, take your time. I'm sure the six people behind you aren't hungry.
Customer: Ok, can I get the Meal A? Wait. Wait. Uhm.. Does the sampler have rice?
Me: No.
Customer: I see. How much is rice?
Me: It's x.xx dollars.
Customer: Ah ok. How about meal B?
Me: It comes with rice.
Customer: Alright. I think I'll have Meal A.

Don't Be Like Them Because:
The world doesn't stop for you. Fast food menus are posted so that one can decide before they order. Sure you can chat up the servers if it doesn't look busy, but during rush hours, you need to know that there are a lot of hungry people waiting in line.

The Cheapskate

Who They Are:
People who will buy food, but will keep on complaining about how expensive the food is. Some also ask for the "best" thing on the menu, but won't order it because it's "too expensive" for them.

Sample Conversation: 
Customer: What's your best seller?
Me: Try our Meal A, it's our specialty.
Customer: Oh, I see. What's that? *Pointing to the cheapest thing on the menu*
What he really wants to say: Yikes. I did not expect that.
Me: That would be the Meal B.
Customer: Can I get that instead?
What he really wants to say: Lifesaver!

Don't Be Like Them Because:

If you want to eat good food, you have to put out. Don't ask for "the best" if you only have money for an appetizer. Going back to the point about The Businessman, the food offered is priced that way because of several factors you are not privy to. If a business is thriving despite what you think is expensive, then you're probably cheap. If it closes in a few months, then you're probably right in saying it's too expensive. 

The Non-Reader

Who They Are:
People who read the menu with the prices and details, but still ask what your shop has to offer and how much. Also relates to people who insist on having a "dinner" menu in the afternoons and "lunch" sets during the evenings. These people are different from those who actually have visual impairments. They have perfectly working eyes, but they choose not to use them.

Sample Conversation:
Customer: What do you have?
Me: *Directs customer's eyes to the menu* We have Meal A, Meal B, Meal C, and Meal D.
Customer: *Looks at menu with the details* What's Meal A?
Me: *Redirects customer to the menu* Meal A is a roasted pork belly roll.
What I didn't say: ...as stated in the menu.
Customer: *Reads details on the menu* I see. And how much is that?
Anger, in my brain: Serious-fucking-ly?
Me: That will be xx.xx dollars.
Customer: What about Meal B?
*Goes on until we go through the whole menu*


Don't Be Like Them Because:
Blind people would give anything for just a day to see again, and yet you who have perfectly working eyes refuse to use it. I'm not writing this so that the server will have less to do. I am pointing this out because there is a chance that you will be responsible for creating a queue of hungry people.

The Explainee

Who They Are:
Those who need the obvious stated to them. No matter how straightforward a shop's menu is, The Explainee is bound to ask something they already know the answer to.

Sample Conversation:
Customer: What's Meal B?
Me: It's roast pork belly.
Customer: Is it fat?
Me: We've had trouble sourcing pigs that work out, so yes.
Customer: How about Meal C?
Me: It's spicy pork belly.
Customer: Is it spicy?
My common sense to me: Are you really going to glorify that with an answer?

Don't Be Like Them Because:
We have a finite time in this world, why waste it with such unnecessary questions? The circumstances won't change just because you asked the question; pork belly will still be fat, spicy will still be spicy, and lunch sets still won't be available at night.

The Whisperer

Who They Are:
Similar to The Non-Reader, these are people who have voices, but don't use them. They order with the slightest effort for their vocal cords, as if they're ashamed of what they're ordering.

Sample Conversation:

*Kidding! You can't write a script for something you can't hear*

Don't Be Like Them Because:
Talking to someone requires you to actually speak. You may be too hungry to speak, but you won't be fed if you can't say what you want to eat.

The Hungry Hopeful

Who They Are:
These are not limited to customers in teenage years. These are customers who talk to servers as if they're teenagers talking to their nagging wives. They will look like they are listening, but they're really not.

Sample Conversation:
Me: So, right now I only have Meal A and Meal C available. All the rest are sold out already.
Customer: Ok. Do you have Meal B?
Me: No sir, I only have Meal A and Meal C available.
Customer: Ah, ok, ok. How about Meal D?
Me: It's sold out already sir. I only have Meal A and Meal C available.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Do you have sinigang?

Don't Be Like Them Because: 
Asking questions and not even bothering to hear the answers will not help your hungry belly, especially when it's near closing time. 

...Success and Happiness...

A few years back, I found a Facebook message from a stranger. I didn't receive any notifications when I got it. I actually got to read it more than a year later, when I dug through my filtered messages; something I, nor any other person I know, do not do on a regular basis. It was apparently from a junior in college who I absolutely have no idea of but knew me. It wasn't surprising to have someone from college know me; I shoved my face in UST's Faculty of Arts and Letters since the end of my first year of college. What was surprising was the hate I got for being me.

His message went something like "so you ended up as a sales executive? What a joke! You acted like you'd be someone big back in college, but that's what you end up as?"

For the record, I didn't piss much people off in college. I may be tactless, but I know when to be. Besides, I had to have an extra layer of nice in me back in college because of politics. When I'm with friends, I can freely act like an ass. Given this, and knowing this kid was a stranger from college, it was a huge surprise he had these strong feelings.

His message was laden with profanity and it was so old I couldn't even pull it up from my archives. I decided not to dignify it with a reply, and I really just buried it from my memory, knowing it would be an insignificant part of my life. However, today, I decided to write about it. Not because it scarred me all these years, but rather because I wanted to focus on his perception.

Today, I turn 31 years old. I work part-time as a cashier at a Filipino restaurant here in Singapore. Prior to that, I was unemployed for 8 months, after leaving what seemed to be a "useless" sales job (for my stranger, at least) back in the Philippines. On paper, my career seems like it has gone to shit. I am almost inclined to believe that it has, considering I haven't had many interview requests despite my constant applications. Having a Philosophy degree isn't exactly an express pass to the corporate world, especially in a first world country that relies heavily on their filters to meet candidates they think fit their needs.

I should feel like a failure, like that stranger wanted so bad for me to feel. Yet, here I am, happy. Sure, I could be happier, but I'm happy enough to not feel like a failure.

Success is Subjective

Success is a word I've found difficult to define. When I describe it, I can only name a handful of people, but somehow, others may find something lacking in their lives.

Success, as defined by dictionary.com reads:

noun
1. the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals.
2. the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

The first definition is subjective. In the second, the aforementioned handful may have attained, and I clearly have not. And yet, some people act like my stranger and shit on their accomplishments.

I think, then, that success is subjective. There is no way to absolutely achieve it because it will always be subjected to another's personal goals; apparently for both you and them. You may be the best athlete on the planet on the best team in all of sports, but for a scientist who devoted his or her life to finding the cure for cancer, you have wasted your life.

Conventional wisdom equates success to having money. However, to earn money, one needs to have an above average occupation. Having the said occupation requires one to spend time working, depriving that person of time to travel (something those working their asses off want to achieve) or to spend time with their families (with family being a reason these same people are working their asses off in the first place).

A Failure for Anyone Else

I understand, then and even now, that I couldn't possibly measure up to the expectations of my stranger. He clearly had no idea how much I was earning in my "useless" sales job, nor did he have any idea what I wanted to do with my life.

Back in college, I tried to convince my fellow students that I was the best man to serve them. I didn't realize that it set a bar for at least one of them that I wouldn't achieve. It even went to the extent of him letting me know about it years later.

However, even back then, I have come to the realization that no matter how successful I think I have become, I will be a failure for anyone else. My goals will always be different from everyone else's. Even if I had a "better" life than what I have now, there will still be those who think that I should be better than what I ended up being.

Well, looking at where I am right now, I didn't give these people a high standard.

Happiness

Looking back, I never had a particular dream that I built my whole life to be. I didn't grow up wanting to be something. Career-wise, I wanted to end up what I thought I needed to end up as. As a kid it was to be an engineer because my dad was one; before high school, I thought I needed to be a programmer because people were taking notice of computers and I thought I was pretty good at it; before college, I thought the country needed a change so I wanted to work my way up to presidency.

While I am way too far off from being any of those, I was brought up in such a way that led me to aim for personal goals.

I wanted a relationship where I could tell my kids how awkward their mom was when we first met. I wanted to be a dad. I wanted to be a significant part of my kid's life as he or she grew up. I wanted to grow old with someone who I'd be happy to be with even after our kids left us.

At 31, I am happily married to a girl I got together with more than 12 years ago. From listening to her petty school problems and irrational fears, I have enjoyed being her outlet for work frustrations and random pet peeves. And in a couple of months' time, I am going to be a father. That's three ticks on my personal goals.

People can have their opinion on how I failed in life, but no one can dictate how happy I am with it right now. While some people spend their lives working towards an idea of success planted in them by others, I think I have reached a certain degree of it based on how I define it.

I know that there will be more challenges as the years go by, and that this is by no means near the finish line. But hey, I just turned 31.

And right now, this is what matters; this makes me happy: