Alas, this is my blog, and the purpose of which is to help you not act like jerks or idiots the next time you're in a restaurant.
I made a list of the various types of customers I have a beef with:
The Entitled
Who They Are:
These are those who would claim to come all the way from the other side of town who may have possibly gotten lost and maybe even paid more for the cab fare. Because of all these, they would like to get something more, or maybe even a discount in order to make up for what they spent on the cab.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: I'll have Meal A please.
Me: That will be x.xx dollars, thank you.
Customer: Can't I get a discount? I went all the way here to taste your food.
Me: Thank you, but I'm sorry, I can't offer a discount.
Customer: But I had to take a cab and I had to take a leave from work just so I could try your food.
Cab Driver: Why the hell are you dragging me into this?
Don't Be Like Them Because:
These are those who would claim to come all the way from the other side of town who may have possibly gotten lost and maybe even paid more for the cab fare. Because of all these, they would like to get something more, or maybe even a discount in order to make up for what they spent on the cab.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: I'll have Meal A please.
Me: That will be x.xx dollars, thank you.
Customer: Can't I get a discount? I went all the way here to taste your food.
Me: Thank you, but I'm sorry, I can't offer a discount.
Customer: But I had to take a cab and I had to take a leave from work just so I could try your food.
Cab Driver: Why the hell are you dragging me into this?
Don't Be Like Them Because:
Nobody asked you to put in the effort that you did. The payoff should be the food being good. It's not the restaurant's responsibility to make you feel better because of what you've been through in order to find the place. Don't get me wrong, it's heart-warming for the restaurant owners to know that people actually try to find their places that aren't easy to find, but come on. It's not like they begged you to take a cab or whatnot. Chances are, you made the effort to find it because you learned that the food is great. That means, they will survive with or without you.
The VIP
Who They Are:
There are people who actually buy food, but later ask for something more. They don't pay more than the regular customer, but they expect something more in terms of service and food. To these people, I say; who died and made you so special?
Sample Conversation:
Customer: Can I get value meal A?
Me: That will be $x.xx.
Customer: Can you give me more meat and more rice with that?
Me, deep inside: Why?
Don't Be Like Them Because:
Your money has the same value as the person before or after you. Unless you are a stockholder of the business, saved the world from extinction, or are responsible for achieving world peace, don't think for a second that you should be treated more than the average customer. If you owned a restaurant and had someone like you as a customer, do you think your business would benefit in fulfilling The VIP's every request?
The Menu Maker
Who They Are:
Customers who read the menu, but when they go to the counter, they ask for a combination of something that isn't on the menu. As a customer, I understand the need to get value for money, but standing on the other side, I can see how servers are limited by the machines in front of them, and the kitchen to the resources that they have.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: Can I get the Meal A, with Meal B on the side for the price of the ala carte meat?
Me: No, sorry.
Customer: Why?
In my head: If I tell you, I'd have to kill you.
Don't Be Like Them Because:
The restaurant is not your kitchen. If you want things done your way, no one will question you in your own kitchen. However, in a restaurant with a set menu, you just point to what you like and deal with how it is served to you. Not every restaurant has a secret menu, unlike what the internet would want you to believe.
The Genius
Who They Are:
Much like the Menu Makers, these are customers who think they have a brilliant idea about your menu that they seem to believe you have not thought of yet. While the Menu Makers read off their "brilliant" combinations from the menu, The Geniuses tell you what's missing from your menu.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: Do you have Sinigang?
What I actually say: No sir/ma'am.
What I really want to say: You do have eyes to read that it's not on the menu, right?
Customer: You know, you should. Because it's sinigang. People love sinigang.
Me: We have a roasting pit. It's a bit difficult to roast sinigang. But sure, we'll keep that in mind. Thank you! (Yes, I am an asshole.)
Don't Be Like Them Because:
When a restaurant is put up, the owners have painstakingly thought of what kind of food they want to serve. It may be driven by their passion, their beliefs, their family, or whatnot. As such, their menu is a reflection of all these. When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you can hope for sushi, but don't expect every Japanese restaurant has it. I think it borders on racism, reducing a cuisine to one or two dishes.
The Businessman
Who They Are:
They are the combination of the VIP and The Genius. They are customers who know better than the server or the owner. They will insist on what should be on the restaurant's menu or what the price should be. They don't want instant gratification the way VIPs want, but their egos want to believe that you will adjust your business according to their preference.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: I want the meal A please.
Me: That will be x.xx dollars please.
Customer: You know, this should only be y.yy dollars. It's too expensive!
The Sarcastic Side of my Brain: Wow you are absolutely right! We are robbing people! We should oust our boss and put you in charge instead!
Me: Sorry sir, I just punch your order, I don't make the prices.
Customer: Yes, I know. But you should tell your boss that. And you should also have sinigang on your menu!
Don't Be Like Them Because:
There are several factors running a business, and even if you know a thing or two about it, you probably don't know all the variables the particular business is working with. Because if you did, why are you ordering food and not putting up your own business in the same area? Permits, work force, supply cost and rent are just a few factors that need to be considered by the business owner in deciding what food they will serve and how much it should be sold. The menu is a product of months or probably years of tedious feasibility studies, savings, and passion, and you insisting your needs or wants on the menu is an insult to everything that they have worked for.
The Always-On-The-GoWho They Are:
People who can't wait to get their turn, and either cuts the line or keep asking questions even if the server is entertaining another customer. Time moves the same way for everyone, but these people seem to believe that their time is more important than other people's.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: I'd like to order...
The AOTG: Hi, do you have Meal A?
Me: (to AOTG) Yes. (To cutomer) Sorry about that, can I get your order?
The AOTG: Hi, hi, so can I also get that to go?
Me: (To AOTG) Sorry, let me just finish their order.
The AOTG: Ok, ok.
*AOTG's turn*
The AOTG: Hi, so I'd like to have Meal A to go please.
Me: Alright. That will be x.xx dollars. Here's your number, and I'll buzz you once it's ready.
The AOTG: Here you go. How long do I have to wait?
Me: There's a queue, so I can't say for certain.
The AOTG: Yeah, but how long?
Me: ...
Buzzer: ....
Meal A: ....
*When Meal is ready*
The AOTG: Can I also get a drink with that?
Me: Sure, that will be SGD2.00.
The AOTG: *hands over SGD100* Where's the ice?
Me: Let me get your drink first.
The AOTG: Do you have straws?
My hands, probably: There's only two of us, you know.
Don't Be Like Them Because:
People care about their time as well. What you need is a vending machine with no queues, not a restaurant open to the public. Also, understand that your server doesn't have eight hands to attend to your every need as soon as you say it.
The Insta-Fresh
Who They Are:
Customers who order from a fast food, want their food ready as soon as they finish talking, but require it to be "freshly" cooked. Very similar to The Always-On-The-Go people, but more whiny because they complain about the "freshness" of their food.
Sample Conversation:
Customer, at 3PM: I'd like lechon with rice.
Me: That will be x.xx dollars. Thank you!
Customer: *doesn't leave the counter* Is it ready yet?
Me: It should be fast, they will just chop it for you.
*Food comes out under 2 minutes*
Customer: Is it freshly cooked?
Me: No, it was cooked for the lunch crowd at 12 noon.
Customer: But I want mine freshly cooked. Can't you cook one for me?
The devil inside me: Then you came to the wrong place.
Me: Sorry, but the next batch of freshly cooked ones will be at 6pm.
Don't Be Like Them Because:
Food needs to be cooked. Cooking food takes time. How the hell are you expecting freshly cooked food in two minutes? You can't go to a fast food chain and ask for "freshly cooked" food and expect it to actually be cooked in two minutes. It's called "fast" food, but they don't make miracles happen. On that note, understand the type of food you want to eat. Burgers and sandwiches could be freshly prepared and cooked for you easily. If you want to eat meat from a whole roast pig, understand that it won't be cooked at your convenience.
The Thinker
Who They Are:
People who take forever going through the whole menu, then either call the server or stand in front of the queue and still take another lifetime to place their order. These are the mortal enemies of the Instant Fresh Food and the Always-On-The-Go.
Sample Conversation:
*After 5 minutes staring at a menu consisting of literally 4 types of meat*
Customer: Hi. *Intensely looking at the menu* Uhm... can I get... wait.
My eyes: Sure, take your time. I'm sure the six people behind you aren't hungry.
Customer: Ok, can I get the Meal A? Wait. Wait. Uhm.. Does the sampler have rice?
Me: No.
Customer: I see. How much is rice?
Me: It's x.xx dollars.
Customer: Ah ok. How about meal B?
Me: It comes with rice.
Customer: Alright. I think I'll have Meal A.
Don't Be Like Them Because:
The world doesn't stop for you. Fast food menus are posted so that one can decide before they order. Sure you can chat up the servers if it doesn't look busy, but during rush hours, you need to know that there are a lot of hungry people waiting in line.
The Cheapskate
Who They Are:
People who will buy food, but will keep on complaining about how expensive the food is. Some also ask for the "best" thing on the menu, but won't order it because it's "too expensive" for them.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: What's your best seller?
Me: Try our Meal A, it's our specialty.
Customer: Oh, I see. What's that? *Pointing to the cheapest thing on the menu*
What he really wants to say: Yikes. I did not expect that.
Me: That would be the Meal B.
Customer: Can I get that instead?
What he really wants to say: Lifesaver!
Don't Be Like Them Because:
If you want to eat good food, you have to put out. Don't ask for "the best" if you only have money for an appetizer. Going back to the point about The Businessman, the food offered is priced that way because of several factors you are not privy to. If a business is thriving despite what you think is expensive, then you're probably cheap. If it closes in a few months, then you're probably right in saying it's too expensive.
The Non-Reader
Who They Are:
People who read the menu with the prices and details, but still ask what your shop has to offer and how much. Also relates to people who insist on having a "dinner" menu in the afternoons and "lunch" sets during the evenings. These people are different from those who actually have visual impairments. They have perfectly working eyes, but they choose not to use them.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: What do you have?
Me: *Directs customer's eyes to the menu* We have Meal A, Meal B, Meal C, and Meal D.
Customer: *Looks at menu with the details* What's Meal A?
Me: *Redirects customer to the menu* Meal A is a roasted pork belly roll.
What I didn't say: ...as stated in the menu.
Customer: *Reads details on the menu* I see. And how much is that?
Anger, in my brain: Serious-fucking-ly?
Me: That will be xx.xx dollars.
Customer: What about Meal B?
*Goes on until we go through the whole menu*
Don't Be Like Them Because:
Blind people would give anything for just a day to see again, and yet you who have perfectly working eyes refuse to use it. I'm not writing this so that the server will have less to do. I am pointing this out because there is a chance that you will be responsible for creating a queue of hungry people.
Who They Are:
Those who need the obvious stated to them. No matter how straightforward a shop's menu is, The Explainee is bound to ask something they already know the answer to.
Sample Conversation:
Customer: What's Meal B?
Me: It's roast pork belly.
Customer: Is it fat?
Me: We've had trouble sourcing pigs that work out, so yes.
Customer: How about Meal C?
Me: It's spicy pork belly.
Customer: Is it spicy?
My common sense to me: Are you really going to glorify that with an answer?
Don't Be Like Them Because:
We have a finite time in this world, why waste it with such unnecessary questions? The circumstances won't change just because you asked the question; pork belly will still be fat, spicy will still be spicy, and lunch sets still won't be available at night.
Who They Are:
Similar to The Non-Reader, these are people who have voices, but don't use them. They order with the slightest effort for their vocal cords, as if they're ashamed of what they're ordering.
Sample Conversation:
*Kidding! You can't write a script for something you can't hear*
Don't Be Like Them Because:
Talking to someone requires you to actually speak. You may be too hungry to speak, but you won't be fed if you can't say what you want to eat.
The Hungry Hopeful
Who They Are:
These are not limited to customers in teenage years. These are customers who talk to servers as if they're teenagers talking to their nagging wives. They will look like they are listening, but they're really not.
Sample Conversation:
Me: So, right now I only have Meal A and Meal C available. All the rest are sold out already.
Customer: Ok. Do you have Meal B?
Me: No sir, I only have Meal A and Meal C available.
Customer: Ah, ok, ok. How about Meal D?
Me: It's sold out already sir. I only have Meal A and Meal C available.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Do you have sinigang?
Don't Be Like Them Because:
Asking questions and not even bothering to hear the answers will not help your hungry belly, especially when it's near closing time.
Who They Are:
These are not limited to customers in teenage years. These are customers who talk to servers as if they're teenagers talking to their nagging wives. They will look like they are listening, but they're really not.
Sample Conversation:
Me: So, right now I only have Meal A and Meal C available. All the rest are sold out already.
Customer: Ok. Do you have Meal B?
Me: No sir, I only have Meal A and Meal C available.
Customer: Ah, ok, ok. How about Meal D?
Me: It's sold out already sir. I only have Meal A and Meal C available.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Do you have sinigang?
Don't Be Like Them Because:
Asking questions and not even bothering to hear the answers will not help your hungry belly, especially when it's near closing time.
