...An Admission of Weakness...

I have always thought that once I put my mind on to something, I can be great at it. I have always believed that I had a potential to be anyone I want to be. After a week of ups and downs, I must punctuate it with this emo-blog to try to push all the negativity in this week, so that tomorrow will truly be a new day. 

I normally edit parts of my blog to emphasize points I'd want to stress, but this is not one of my proudest blogs, so I leave it to the reader who wants to read, to the reader who is actually interested, to the reader who wants to sympathize, and to the reader who has nothing better to do than read an emo-post. =P 

=====================================================================

On Being a Student

My sister is a licensed architect. My brother is a registered nurse. And I'm a Philosophy graduate. Everyone thought I'd pursue law, but I didn't. In all honesty, I believe I'm so afraid of failure, that I wouldn't even dare try. I barely passed my undergraduate degree. I've always made my focus on extracurricular activities as the main reason why I had sub-par grades during college. But even that didn't work out too well for me. 

As a student, I don't think I could last listening to a lecture for more than 20 minutes. I don't think I could read beyond 14 pages of a textbook without falling asleep on it. I know these because that's who I was when I was a student. I am a Philosophy major who wouldn't be able to help you out in your Philosophy assignments. I know some of them philosophers and what their fields are, but I probably don't know any more than you do. I probably have knack for reasoning, but I don't have the will power to read up on sources to back up my stand. I'm too unequipped in Philosophy to try to pursue a Master's degree in it and teach, and I don't have the will power to study as law students do. 

As for my "alibi" on getting sub-par grades, I took a risk. Knowing full well that I'm not academically equipped to excel as a normal student, I devoted my attention to public service in my level; student politics. In my first year, I proclaimed that I'd want to be considered as a possible candidate for the presidency or the public relations officer, because I had the notion that those are the two positions that had most impact. They got me as the auditor. I lost in my first year, worked in the council as tirelessly as I have over the past year, and eventually won in my second try as the auditor. Everyone had an expectation of me, that even my opponents didn't take their defeats heavily. And even then I failed those expectations. I even had one of the nicest chairpersons of the party in Ate Jean Castillo, on my case back then. As a result, I didn't have the full confidence of the whole student community when I ran for the presidency.

And now, I hold a degree which doesn't get me anywhere, burned myself by not getting above-average grades academically, and I don't even have a "president" tag in my resume. It sucks to find a job with what I am equipped with, but thankfully, I have one.

====================================================================

On Being a Partner

Che and I are going on our seventh year. Seven. Some marriages don't even last this long. And yet, we're not planning on getting married soon. We haven't been on too many trips. The most expensive gift that I gave her was probably the cellphone I gave her way before, and almost half of which my mom paid for. And she gave me a PS3 last December.

Now, that may not mean much. But it's frustrating that I can't even come up with a nice Valentine's day surprise for her. As mushy as I am, I haven't made her feel as special as I want her to. No surprise trips somewhere, no romantic reservations to any dinner. Nothing. We've seen couples travel, we've seen them give outrageous gifts to each other, and I can't even do any of those.

I feel more like her big brother than her boyfriend at times. Well, that's what we've always been, but, as in romantically, I'm just frustrated that I can't make her feel as special as any of those women in those couples we see. 

==================================================================== 

On Work

Well, basically, work is all this is about. By June of this year, I'll officially be working for 4 full years now. Total savings: nada. Career path: headed nowhere. 

One day, after meeting a customer, I went out of that meeting and realized; can I really do this shit?

I'm frustrated because I don't know how to get things done. I'm familiar with the business, but this sales thing is so new to me. It's like, I'm still learning to type on the typewriter while everyone's tapping on their iPads. I don't know how most stuff works, but I'm treated as if I should. The longer I've been here, the more detached I have become to my boss, when at first, I thought that it would draw us closer. Almost six months going, and I'm still learning to talk to customers, still learning how to sort out those seriously wanting to consider doing business and those who are just hearing out ideas. We're in the business of flavors and fragrances, and on my side (fragrance), I haven't sold anything. What the fuck is the use of being a salesperson when you can't sell anything?

I feel like an overpaid slacker. No, it's not that I'm not trying. I'm being what I hate now, bugging people to ask questions that I know the answer to. I'm working my ass off to try and sell something, but I haven't. I feel like an overpaid slacker because I haven't sold anything as a salesperson, and I'm being paid as a salesperson.

And though I think I'm overpaid, I still haven't saved anything. No matter how materialistic this sounds, I do believe that money affects my life greatly. The lack of it affects my whole life; not being able to surprise my girlfriend, not being able to even plan on settling down, not being able to plan for trips, not being able to try to consider studying something else, etc.. 

====================================================================

This past week, I failed to wow my girlfriend on Valentine's day. I met a customer I don't even know if I can actually do business with. I haven't sold anything still. I felt like I'm being pressured to give in to the demands of a customer just because I need the sale. I felt like I'm ruining the fragrance part of my boss's business. I felt like I'm not being as much help as I was expected to be when I came in to our company. And my car just had to have fucked up electrical wirings. 

At some point of this bad weak, I came to a realization: I'm weak. I'm not good at anything. The things I think I'm good at are things that won't earn me any money. For a guy whose wardrobe selection includes his dad and brother's cabinets, I seriously don't know how someone could spend so much. I can't even buy the things I want. I want to cry while admitting that I can't do what I'm doing, and actually believe that it'd make everything better. 

But this admission of weakness is in no way an acceptance of defeat. Like I said, this is just putting all the bad vibes in one ball and throwing it out there so that I'd be prepared to face the next week as a new week, a new beginning. If there are winners and losers in this world, and I apparently happen to belong to the latter, I'd still continue to strive as if I'd reach something. Heck, I graduated Philosophy when I thought I wouldn't. I landed a job when I thought I couldn't. I lived when I should've died a few years back in an accident. Losers don't have to just lie down and wait to get trampled upon, because sometimes, luck just smiles their way. 

Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I wasn't meant for this. But hey, that shouldn't keep me from trying. Being a basketball player on the soccer field doesn't mean the basketball player can't contribute anything on the field.

The admission of weakness shouldn't mean a declaration of defeat, but rather, a blueprint on what to overcome. 

And with this, I seriously hope luck decides to smile at me again. =|