It's safe to say I haven't done both
I made mistakes, I know, I know...
So many people close to me cut me down
This is supposed to be a bad luck town
I jumped, I fell, I hit the ground
But here I am alive"
- Here I Am Alive, Yellowcard
Back in 2016, I broke down.
From having a decent-paying job that had me dealing with
different types of people from business owners to security guards, and my close
family and friends within reach at any time I wanted, I was suddenly alone in our
room in Singapore.
It was my day off from my job as a cashier in a hawker-cum restaurant
serving Filipino dishes.
Everyone had gone to work, and I was sitting alone, chatting
with my cousin and my close friend who were miles away, talking about stuff we
might be talking about over drinks if it were a year before.
I didn’t realize that I was lonely.
It took 10 years of being together before I popped the
question to Che, because all that while, I thought it was only her who needed
to be ready to settle down.
When we got married, I readily packed my bags, and didn’t
look back as I started my new life.
I took the first job that gave me a chance, and I thought
everything would be ok.
I was talking to a lot of people again. I had the respect of
my co-workers, I was learning some cooking techniques and managing operations, and
I was able to earn something for myself.
However, on that day, as I was talking to two of the closest
people in my life who wished we were drinking while we were talking, I felt an
incredible sadness filling me up.
Later that night, I talked to Che about everything that was
going through my head.
Suddenly, tears just started falling.
Before I knew it, Che was
feeling my sadness as well.
Back then, I thought mental health and depression were just
excuses for unexplainable poor behavior or toxic mood – I wouldn’t take it
against them, I’d probably talk them through it, but I guess I didn’t really
understand it as a real thing.
I know that my episode of breaking down is not nearly close
to what people with depression or poor mental health have on their bad days,
but it helped me understand that it can happen to anyone, no matter what you
tell yourself to keep you going through the day.
Learning and understanding this state of mind isn’t done by
experiencing it once in your life. I think there’s so much more layers to it,
and I do want to understand it better because I don’t know who within my circle
would fall prey to it.
I wanted to share what helped me get past my experience, and
what I learned by talking to a couple of friends who had/have similar
experiences.
1. Find your happiness
It’s so easy to say but almost impossible to do.
However, I guess what I learned is that happiness is not
something you work towards, but rather something that you discover.
Goals like reaching the top position in your company, owning
a car, buying a house, or whatnot are things that you work for, and achieving
them will give you momentary bliss, but it’s not happiness.
I believe that happiness could be a passion, a person, or maybe
even a place.
In my case, it was Vino, my kid.
 |
| My happiness, at one year old. |
A little after my episode, we learned that we were pregnant.
I was happy because it was one of my goals, but at the same
time, there were uncertainties we had to face; were we ready, will we be able
to raise a little human, can we support our lifestyle?
More than three years after we welcomed him to the world,
the uncertainties have not completely diminished, but I know that my heart is
full with him.
I understood then that what made me feel empty was the fact that
I couldn’t let go of the life I had back then. However, once I held Vino in my
arms, I knew that I was finally ready to live in the present and just look
fondly back at the past.
2. Conquer Your FOMO
 |
| One of the rare times the boys were complete. |
The Fear Of Missing Out is something that was difficult for
me to admit and overcome. It seems juvenile for a 30-something to claim to
have, but I guess I had it.
See, I was the guy who you could call on literally any time
and I’d be there as fast as traffic would allow. My mom would call me a boarder
at home because I rarely stayed in.
I had my circle, and constantly kept that circle growing. It
didn’t matter if I met up with one person, two strangers, or a bunch of friends
of friends – if there was something happening, I was there.
And suddenly, I was in a different country.
Sure, I have friends here, strangers to meet, friends of
friends who would get together, but I needed to start my circles from scratch,
when I had my whole life building one back home.
Seeing everybody in my circle through social media go on
with the life I enjoyed with them back then made me feel alone, because I was
missing out on so much.
From time to time, I still feel envious of my friends who
can get together like I used to with them, but understanding my priorities in
life helped me get over my FOMO.
I could choose to go back to my comfort zone – activate my
circles, find a job back home, and be mobile again. However, my circumstances are
different now, and the responsibilities I carry as a husband and a father weigh
far greater than what I had then.
3. Live at Your Own Pace
Similar to FOMO, seeing milestones achieved by your peers
can force you into thinking that you’re not doing enough in your life.
We learned this early in our relationship.
Che and I have been together for close to 16 years now, and
are approaching our fifth year of marriage.
It wasn’t always smooth sailing, and about five or six years
into our relationship, our friends were starting their own families.
For every wedding we came to, or every time the topic of
marriage came about, she would ask me why we weren’t seriously discussing it
yet.
 |
| One of Che's closest friend's wedding, which sparked one of the many discussions we had about the topic |
Back then, both of us had white collar jobs, but we had
pretty crappy spending habits as we fully enjoyed the fruits of our labor. Che
also wanted to accomplish a lot of things – three of them were to get a Master’s
Degree, teach in the University, and work overseas.
I told her that she would not be able to accomplish any of
her goals if we got married “just because” everyone else was tying the knot. I
even dared her to find someone who wanted to settle down with if she thinks I’m
waiting too long.
It was a risky dare, but it paid off.
She went to Singapore, found a nice job, and improved her
financial management skills to a point where she is able to balance responsibilities and
indulgence.
She wasn’t able to accomplish all her goals, but she doing damn
well with the one she set off doing.
By the time we got married, we did it in our own terms – we got
the date we wanted, the place we chose, and spent it with the people we wanted
to share it with.
Don’t measure your success by what your peers have
accomplished.
Comparing your status with your peers will not get you
anywhere if you sulk in envy, make assumptions on how they got there, or just
talk about them with other people.
Take inspiration from them, and act on what you can control.
You may not get what you want immediately, but at least you started working towards
it.
4. Be Confident in Your Own Skin
I’m not the best looking guy.
Heck, Che had a crush on two of my classmates who didn’t
even know her but never really admired me for my looks.
However, as a famous Filipino line goes, “daig ng madiskarte
ang gwapo.” (A resourceful person beats a handsome face)
I didn’t try to sweep her off her feet by acting like Lee
Min Ho or anything, I just genuinely cared for her more than I could care for
myself.
Since we got married, I have been either jobless, a cashier
for a food stall, or a freelance writer.
According to the social norms we have grown accustomed to, I
am not a person that commands respect because I don't have a high enough position in a company or something.
I have had close friends and even relatives who would tell
me that they “expected more” from me or that I “wasted” my “potential” by
ending up where I am right now.
If I allowed myself to crumble to these expectations and
social norms, then I will probably don’t even deserve self-respect.
Instead, I choose to take pride in who I am.
 |
| Thankful to be able to meet new people who appreciate me for being who I am |
If I can’t be proud of being an average-looking,
dark-skinned houseband (house husband) whose only job experience in Singapore
is a cashier at a food stall, then who will give me an ounce of respect?
Even if I don’t bring in the big bucks, I carry myself with
the confidence of someone who owns a business.
It baffles people who are so used to living in a predictable
reality, and somehow gets them to treat me as an equal.
I always believed that at the end of the day, absent all the
titles, the fancy clothes, and our looks, we’re all just people, and no one has
the right to look down on others under any circumstance.
It’s not outside the realm of possibility that people still
look down on me behind my back, but those are things that are outside my circle
of influence.
The most important thing to have is belief and respect for
yourself – if it resonates to others, then it’s just a bonus, but it should never be the
goal.
5. Verbalize Your Feelings
As the title of a hit Korean drama goes, “It’s OK to not be
OK.”
 |
| As of this writing, we haven't finished watching this yet, but so far, it's been great |
We live in constant fear of being judged, which leads us to
always pick up a mask to show we’re doing just fine even if we’re scarred
beneath it.
During my episode, I realized that I kept so many things
inside so that Che and our housemates wouldn’t be worried about me.
Back then, I felt like my issues were so miniscule compared
to the stress and problems that they had to face on a daily basis at work. I didn’t
want anyone to be burdened by listening to me because I didn’t even know if
they could help me.
I felt like a waste of time.
It took a while for me to admit to myself that it was
weighing heavily on me, and before I fell hard on my worries, I learned why
they called your partner a “significant other.”
There was no other person in the world I would have poured
my heart out at that time but to Che, because no matter how insignificant my
issues were to the world, we made a promise to God that we would be together for
good times or bad, and I had a duty to share my “bad times” with her.
It was only when I was telling her everything that all those
uncontrollable tears fell down from both our eyes.
After that, it was easier for me to admit my moment of
weakness to other close friends.
While not everyone has a significant other who they can
share all their worries to, I believe that everyone has at least that one
person who they can trust with certain things.
Even if they take it negatively, verbalizing your feelings
for the first time will make it so much easier for you to share it with others,
which would help you learn who among your friends genuinely care for you, and
who are exclusively for fun and games.
However, everything must start within yourself – never think
that you are insignificant, because you matter.
If you don’t think that anybody has time for your worries, you will never have the courage to share your feelings which will eventually eat you up inside.
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