...songs, expectations, and my slowly shrinking world...

songs are great... they say things you want to say when you can't say them... one sees songs as an escape from their own reality... one almost always attributes a song to a particular event or person just because they think its' words are so fit for the day's events or that person they can't stop thinking of...

it may be a line or a whole song, but almost always, a song gets to you... whatever genre it may be, sometimes you'd wish you were the one who uttered those words... to be called a genius, to be known for being the author of a very effective line, to sweep a girl off her feet, to make a person feel what you genuinely feel...

wla lang. songs... galing lang... how a mere play of words and a little tune can take you somehow out of your misery to some extent...=P

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sabi ko sa tatay ko, mei pupunta classmate ko na mei problema sa babae. nun paalis na kami, sumabay si classmate, at kinausap ng tatay ko...

dad: papakasal ka na?
imon: di po, inaayos nga po un gustong pakasalan eh..
dad: ah.. dalawang bagay lang naman yan eh, pakasal ka ng maaga, para mura pa gatas... pakasal ka ng late, mahal na gatas... mas mabuti, pakasal ka na ng maaga para pag singkwenta ka na, mei tutulong na seio sa pag-aalaga ng mga maliliit mo pang bata... hahaha (tatay laugh. the loud type)

i want to live my life. if there's one thing i want to do in my life, its to choose what i want to do, when to do it, and how i want to do it... i have simple hopes (after my hopes of a political career was crashed by bad college politics experience, philosophical idealism, and personal life struggles with actual government, compliments of that little person they call president): have a family, have a place i can call my own, have kids who i can provide for, have my own car that my family won't take public transportation whenever we go out, and have a decent-paying, fulfilling job... it's hard to save up, what with my habits and all, but im thinking, hey, at least im saving up for myself.. then my dad comes up with this conversation...

crap. just what i was thinking... i knew it... that's why they kept pushing me to have my own business, that even after my dad retires, he still has a source of income for the two kids... that's why they're pushing me to find better paying jobs, so that i can provide not only for myself, but also for the 2 kids, in the future, after my dad retires... that's why they're pushing me to pursue Law or any further studies so that i can find these opportunities for higher-paying jobs...

damn... why can't i work my ass off to the top like any hardworking fellow would do? why can't i worry about my future and not of the future of 2 "mistakes" i didn't even commit? why can't i try to plan my own life?

i think i want to study. i think. but then again, i won't. as it is just another excuse for me to be "grateful" to him, and thus make me obligated to "provide" to those kids after he's retired...

and i thought che finally taking the 5-year pressure off me was a great sigh of relief... i realize 5 years is about the same time my dad's gonna be retiring... talk about numbers...

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blogging, i realize, that though i do know a lot of people, only few matter to me... thus, if i make blogs, its almost about the same people... and everytime i hear my phone beep, i know almost every single time who is responsible for that beep... i think it's a good thing, because at least i maintain an intimate relationship with these significant people, but i don't know.... it makes me feel as if my world is shrinking...

its a rant. i don't know if im complaining or if i actually don't care... i just wanted to  throw it out there...=P