...Dungeon Seige and belongingness...

playing a new game on my PSP (probably an old one, but hey, its a newly installed game, so, i say its new), Dungeon Seige... just like any other game similar to this, i'm filthy rich again... i pick up interesting stuff and then sell it if i don't need it... i don't buy stuff since i know i can pick up better stuff along the adventure... even while playing Diablo before, i ended up with so much gold i had to throw some out... even in Crisis Core, it didn't matter if i used Gil toss to win a battle... that was how rich i was during adventure games..

then i realized why i spend so much... while in games, i have always saved up because there's really nothing much to spend on, in real life, there are a lot of things you get to want to buy... in games, i don't really care much about how much i spend, because i know that i could get it back anyway... but in real life, money's not that easy as killing a monster and getting gold or a premium item out of it... while in games, i buy stuff i like without giving much thought and then kill some monsters to get it back, in real life, if i buy stuff i like without giving it much thought, it means a couple of days without food, and an endless wait for the next payday...

it's stupid though, that right now, i have what, 600k in gold in Dungeon Seige, and i might finish that game without knowing if i could actually spend it, while in real life, i have around 2k in savings and i need much much more if im planning on settling down in the future... as they say, its better to start early...


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i now realize why i hate my job. first, let's see how you can hate it: you go to the office doing practically nothing, either playing PSP, sleeping, using meebo the whole day, and occassionally browsing through some sites for research... you get to go to the supermarket, look for stuff, and eat out while even chilling around the mall... you get to take the day off telling the guard that you're going out to look for market samples, and still get paid for slacking that day off... and since you're almost insignificant to the office, it's easy to say you're not coming to work because of a lame reason, and they won't even complain...sure, you won't get paid for a day, but hey, at least there's no pressure that you weren't able to do an important task that was needed to be done... there's always food in the pantry, and you get to eat as much rice as you can, as rice is free (and in this country where rice is such an issue, this has to be important)... you get paid a little over the minimum doing all these... fine, a couple of thousands above the minimum (wouldn't say exact figure) which makes it significantly better paying than even che's job...

cool, huh?

probably to someone who's not working or who's too stressed out with his/her job... but for me, i realized that i hate it not because of any other reason but: i don't belong.

 i've lived my life filled with people. i've had groups even in the family... in school, i always belonged to some group... nerdy as they may be or even assholes, i felt that i belonged somewhere... i'm a guy you throw in a pool of strangers and i come out with group of friends... with this job, i don't know... i talk to everyone, sure, because i can make a conversation out of anything... but as for friends, i don't know... i'm a freakin marketing assistant for a multinational company whose office based here in the country doesn't even have a marketing department... simply put, i'm an assistant, but i don't have any head... account managers don't know who i am directly under, so they find it odd giving me tasks... plus, knowing im a contractual worker, they don't really give me that much sensitive info... the guards and the front desk officer i do get to talk to, but they call me "sir" for reasons i don't know myself (gratifying, yes, for a 22-year old guy to be called "sir", but hey... with what i'm doing, i don't think i deserve it just yet)... some of the messengers, i get to talk to, but they can't look me in the eyes because im a "sir" to them for some reason... the other contractual employees don't talk to me that much, because we don't have much to talk about... the IT group could probably be my kind of people, but since they are they're own department, and having their own office to boot, they close themselves too much to themselves...

i can't even eat in the pantry during lunch... i don't know who to sit with and where... i feel pathetic staring at my monitor the whole day doing nothing, sleeping if i get too bored, playing PSP to stay awake...

im stressed that i can't get stressed at work... i know i'd go off bitching about stress if i do get stressed out at work, but at least i'm getting paid for actually doing something... at least i get to think.. at least i get to use skills i've accumulated over the years...

i need to leave this job. i can't wait till october 31...

i don't know what i want to do.. i know i can do a lot of things, i just don't know the right job for my skills... but whatever that job requires, i want to be the best in it...


...i just wish my brain's not too drained by that time...