...Houseband No More: Officially an OFW...

A couple of weeks back, I wrote a blog about being jobless in Singapore and how I'm dealing with it. The day after the said blog was posted, we looked for a place to hang out after a busy week for the working housemates. I looked for barbecue places (meat!) that wasn't too expensive and found Iskina Cebu, a restaurant that offers Cebu Lechon and other roasted meat. It's in Timbre+, a food park concept that isn't too far from our house.

We met the guys and learned that they were having a hard time looking for people with a Dependant's Pass who were willing to work as their cashier. I asked if I could be their guy, and a few discussions with the owner later during the night, I was kind of hired. Chris (the owner) asked me to come by the week after to start training, and I've been working ever since.

My new workplace :)

Pay's not so bad; something from zero is definitely a step up, isn't it?

If I knew writing a blog would lead me to a job, I should have done it earlier.

Life As a Cashier

Chris was asking for a long term commitment to his team, as he plans to expand to other places in Singapore. He said he's working on the structure of the company, and he'd need people to help out in sales eventually. Personally, I thought being a cashier would be a part time thing, but knowing that he has a vision for the company, I said I'd love to join his team especially with the opportunity for growth. Besides, it's a brand I can get behind, as it promotes the Filipino culture here in Singapore.

So far, it has been tiring, with work hours starting from 12 noon to 10 or 11 PM at night. However, it's been fun, especially since I get to meet a lot of people. Filipinos frequent our shop, but we don't fall short on having regular patrons of different races. For someone who enjoys meeting new people, this job has been rewarding in a sense. There are times when I need to spend time introducing our menu to new customers who have never heard of lechon before, and after they're done eating, they would take time to come back just to express how they enjoyed our food. It's the same rewarding experience I got with our food truck before. Even if I'm not cooking, I'm happy that the brand I represent is something I can proudly promote.

It's been a pleasant surprise to reconnect with old acquaintances through my job. Over the past two weeks, I've met a schoolmate from grade school and a junior in college from one of my favorite classes to visit when I was campaigning for the Student Council. I'm looking forward to meeting more friends randomly while I'm doing this.

Family and friends have all said the same thing to me when I told them about my new job; "mag-ingat ka sa cholesterol mo!"

Their concern is understandable, and I would like them all to know that I don't eat our food everyday. The guys told me to just feel free to grab my lunch from the kitchen, but I do try not to eat there everyday. Don't get me wrong, the food tastes great, but I don't want to get tired of eating roast pork. To do that, I need to practice self-control.

I also learned the struggles of the business that they have. I realized even more how business isn't just about having money. Chris, the businessman that he is, has kept his brand consistently good because he works in it himself. You probably wouldn't feel like he's the owner when you meet him, because you can easily relate to him and you'd see him either cooking, chopping, manning the cashier, or serving food from time to time. He has survived dealing with partners who would remit questionable sales returns, part-timers who would repeat receipts so that they can pocket some cash for their own, and a shortage of personnel. I think anyone who isn't as resilient as him could have just cashed out and sold his brand out. Instead, here he is, still working on his dream to grow his brand.

Trust is such an important factor in choosing the people who will work for you. I'm thankful that he has placed that trust in me, but I am sometimes left to wonder why do people have to cheat the hand that feeds them?

Surprise Documentary

Last Saturday, a film student came by to talk to Chris about shooting some clips for his documentary. Yesterday, they came by again, asking to interview the guys for the said project. I didn't want to get interviewed because I thought it was about the restaurant, but he said he thought focusing on the people would be more interesting. They asked some personal questions which I had no issues with, considering I wrote about it in my last blog. Let me share some of our discussions;

On Filipinos Being Happy

He cautiously gave his observation about Filipinos in Lucky Plaza on Sundays. He said that when he sees them happy and even dancing on their picnics, he can't help but wonder if it's all a facade; that six days in a week, they suffer the reality that they are away from their families.

Growing up with both my parents working, I was lucky enough to have had the privilege of living with house helpers to take care of us. Our house help usually came from provinces. While their provinces are a bus or a boat ride away, they were still away from their families. Back then, there were no social networks or cellphones to keep themselves updated with their families. They lived with us for years, and while I do think they miss their families, they weren't crying everyday because of it.

When my sister first had her baby, she looked for someone who would be able to help her take care of Khail. We met Ate Lorena, who was a distant relative of one of Ate's housemates. She was a nice lady who had kids of her own. She would often cry while sharing how she misses home, but she also smiles while doing so.

When natural tragedies like floods or whatnot hit the Philippines, it's not uncommon to see people full of smiles waving to cameras despite the carnage behind them.

I told him that I thought we are a generally happy people. I think the happiness that he sees in Lucky Plaza is not an act. I have no doubt that they miss their families, but technology has helped bridge distances between families and their providers who work overseas.

I think that despite the distance, they stay happy and motivated because they are able to contribute to their goal of providing for their families back home. While they are away from their own families taking care of another in a foreign country, they are giving their children a chance to build their own dreams. They do their jobs well, as I do mine, so that we can contribute to our respective goals. Focusing on the sadness of being away from home (or in my case, where I am professionally) will only affect our performance, and might hurt our capacity to help reach our goals.

On Career

He shared that his motivation in making this documentary about people is his realization that he will soon graduate and he doesn't know what will happen. He's pursuing his passion of making film, but he also understands the challenges of his industry. He also knows that he may need to find jobs that may not pay as much as soon as he graduates, but he doesn't know how he would be able to do it.

They asked me if I thought that being a cashier here is a step down from being an account manager back in the Philippines. I said I think career-wise, it is undoubtedly a step down. However, financially, I thought it wasn't as bad. At least I didn't have to spend my salary on airfare to visit my wife.

It's not lost to me that being a cashier isn't exactly a dream job for a "provider". It certainly wasn't in my mind when I was getting my degree or creating a network personally or professionally. I may be settling, but I'm not sulking. I focus on the positives of my job rather that dwell on what looks like an unpromising professional career.

I told the guy that it's important to work on a goal to keep oneself motivated to be happy or to go on. When I decided to get married, I knew the sacrifices I had to make, and I knew that my career was going to be one of them. While some may look down on the job I landed, I write about it with pride because I know that I am working towards a goal of starting a family, and what I earn will help me contribute in reaching that goal.

On Missing Home

As a student who's lived most his life in Singapore, he couldn't understand how we could leave home in favor of living in a foreign country. He asked if I missed home.

I definitely miss home. I miss family, friends, getting to drive, the familiarity, and much more. It's never easy to leave home, but growing up means making difficult decisions. By deciding to get married, I was ready to live my life with the person I wanted to grow old with. She didn't need to make me choose between home and her; I had as much power to make her choose the same. I made this decision by myself and for us.

He may be too young to understand, but I'm not saying I'm old enough to be an expert on this matter. From my perspective, though, I think that the idea of having to choose just one scares the shit out of people. Our culture has implanted in us a deep connection with our family. As we grow older, we extend that connection to our friends. When we meet the person we think we want to be with for the rest of our lives, it's important for us that he/she is accepted by the people around us. We don't need to totally let go of our family and friends, but once you make a decision to get married, the hierarchy of importance should change. The "family" in "family comes first" becomes your own family; your husband/wife and kids, instead of your parents and siblings.

I think those who are on the fence about getting married is scared of this inevitable decision. Personally, I didn't know I was ready to make such a decision. When I decided to do it, I just jumped to the unknown, with the only thing I'm certain of was that I trusted that the hand I held was the only hand I wanted to hold, no matter where we fell.

...Housebanding in Singapore: Eight Months In...

If you asked me when I was in high school where I saw myself by age 30, I probably wouldn't have a concrete answer. However, I definitely wouldn't have said "married, and unemployed in a different country."

"Retired" would probably be a better goal by the time you reach 30, but that could only happen when you have enough savings to make you not work anymore. If you lived most of your life in a third world country with a corrupt government, chances are you never got the opportunity to earn enough to do that by age 30 unless you're either a tech whiz who invented some revolutionary new app or something, a lottery winner, or a kid of a corrupt politician. Since I am neither of those, and I lived most of my 30 years in the Philippines, I can definitely say that I am unemployed, and not retired.

Since graduating in 2007, I had about four jobs, and none of which look appealing enough to build around here in Singapore. I would explore entry level jobs, but there aren't a lot of open doors for 30-year-old rookies. It gets frustrating. My wife and I are not going hungry, as my waistline and neck fats would tell you. However, as a man, I do want to be the provider for our family, not the other way around.

One of our wedding godmothers tried to catch up with me recently, and she said she's happy to see that we're still enjoying Singapore despite my situation. I said I always enjoy what I have and don't stress out on what I don't. I think being happy is always a choice. How else can you explain Filipinos keeping smiles on their faces when the news feature their towns devastated by floods?

So, eight months in to this marriage, unemployed in a foreign country and away from my family and friends, I have to say that I'm no expert in this kind of life. Still, that never stopped me from writing before, it won't stop me from writing now. I'll probably update this in the future, or look back at this whenever things get hard. For now, here are three things that could help a houseband like me keep a happy marriage:

Have Pride as a Houseband

Men are supposed to be the provider, the head of the family. Once a man does not fulfill that, he feels less of a man. And what is a man without his pride?

I think that in this day and age, we should recognize the possibility of the house husband - the houseband. For years, women have fought for equal rights so that they could have jobs and positions that were once thought to be exclusive for men. Now that women are in positions of power, why can't there be men who are in occupations once thought of as exclusive to women?

Instead of bumming out because of not having a job, why not be the keeper of the house? Make sure that the wife, who is working to provide for the family, does not have to worry about keeping the house in order. Women have done it for years, there's no reason for men not to be able to handle it, especially if they think it's easy

Instead of sulking about not having a job, be the best houseband your wife could ever have. It's still a full time job.

Spend According to Your Earnings

When you have zero earnings, don't be a burden. My wife didn't let me manage her expenses early on in our careers because she thought it was her hard earned money, and it was her right to spend it any way that she liked. Looking back, I think I should have held back on my spending when she wasn't, but I live with no regrets. My money was spent on good food, and my belly is now my pride.

Money does not come easy, and I know that mounting expenses can spark a fight between couples. Despite having been together for a good ten years prior to getting married, we never had to pay for utilities. We shared food expenses, nothing more. Now we have rent and utilities to think about. Since I don't have income to share, the best that I could do is make life as comfortable for her as possible, because that's all that I can do to pull my weight.

I'm thankful to have had parents who disciplined me enough to grow up not having expensive hobbies. I love electronic gadgets, but I don't feel compelled to own every interesting one. I love playing basketball, and it's great to be in a country where courts are managed well despite not many locals keen on playing the game. I love food, and having housemates who enjoy trying out restaurants as much as trying to cook on our own helps satisfy my taste buds.

Money can't buy everything, and it's not that difficult to find the free things that could make us happy.

Find Ways to Surprise Her

When friends ask me what they should do to impress a girl, I always tell them to keep it simple. Grand gestures of love are always great for movies, but in real life, it could cause problems down the line. See, movies could end with the couple kissing and the camera panning out. Real life doesn't. And when you get tired of thinking about grand gestures, your partner would grow disappointed and think that you're not putting much effort into your relationship.

I'd be a hypocrite if I said I never did grand gestures to impress my wife before. Of course I did. But it didn't happen often. The best surprises are those that you do when she least expects it. I had friends help me set up a song number for her debut; I had friends help me set up flowers at different spots in UST; and I had help putting together my proposal video. Those were happy moments, but the priceless ones were the ones that I didn't spend much money on; the nerds in a Coke can, the note on a cassette, and the actual proposal.

A surprise doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. It just needs to be well thought of and something your partner can appreciate. I didn't have money for her birthday, but I scoured all possible outlets of Mizuno in Singapore to find the best volleyball kneepads for her. I didn't find the model I was looking for, but after comparing it with other brands, I thought that the ones I got best fit her game. I know, because I see her play. I also arranged her closet, because I know she doesn't have much time to do such things. For her birthday dinner, I woke up early to buy all the ingredients from the market and had her sleep in.

She didn't cry, she wasn't overwhelmed, but I know she appreciated the effort. A married life doesn't have to be boring. There was never a "The End" after you sealed your marriage with a kiss; you don't get to stop trying to woo her.

Enjoy the Little Things

My wife and I spent a couple of years maintaining a long distance relationship prior to getting married. During this time, all we could do was have video dates and update each other through social messaging apps. We couldn't nurse each other back to health or hold each other's hand.

After getting married, we stayed together in  Singapore and have a better appreciation for the things we missed out on. While "adulting" could lead to worrying about more things than romance, couples shouldn't neglect it.

Old couples probably don't notice, but some romantics get teary-eyed when they see them walking hand in hand even if they could barely walk. We romantics could only dream of having that at that age. And I believe that that doesn't happen if they didn't do it constantly over the years.

Regret Nothing and Blame No One

I had a pretty good job back at home. I had a car, I had family and friends nearby. I was earning enough to maintain a lifestyle that let me enjoy life. And now I'm sitting alone at home, jobless, with no one to talk to during work hours.

It's easy to blame my wife for choosing to move away from home. It's logical to regret not choosing to pursue a course about computers since most openings in the country we moved to are tech-related. It shouldn't be surprising to find me hating life.

But here I am, writing a blog about how to stay happy. Because right now, I am happily married.

I don't blame my wife for the life I am living now. She chose to move away because of a better opportunity. While I had a decent income back at home, she didn't. If I held her back so that we could both stay, we probably wouldn't be in a better situation financially.

While my phone's not ringing because of employers, I don't regret taking up Philosophy in college. I met a lot of great people there, and it shaped me into the man that I am today. I also wouldn't have met my wife.

Albert Camus was quoted as saying that "life is a sum of all your choices" (I googled for proper citation on the quote, I'm not about to pretend I'm a bookworm). I think I'm pretty ok as a person. I'm sarcastic, at times obnoxious, definitely noisy, but most of the time, fun to be with. I think my family and friends enjoy my company in good times and in bad, so I at least know that I ended up as a pretty good person.

This is my life so far; this is the sum of my choices. It is a sum that I will happily live with because of how I turned out to be as a person, be it as a husband, a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew or a friend.

Living should always be going forward. We can stop to learn from where we stumbled, but we can't regret our choices or blame others for where we ended up. We did what we did because it was what we thought was right at the time that we did it. Regret and blame won't make our lives better when we wake up.

Sulking alone or with your partner could lead to a pretty miserable partnership. When you got married, you shared your life with someone. That means your success is their success, and your failures are theirs as well. Don't drag happiness down with problems that wouldn't be solved by talking about it.