...Houseband Chronicles vol. 2: Realizations From Real Conversations...

At this day and age, I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or an extrovert.

I enjoy the company of people. I like to meet new friends, I like to stay connected with old ones, and you can easily leave me alone in a room full of strangers and I'd leave with a crew at the end of the day. 

However, I also love to keep to myself. I can spend an entire day walking around the city with my earphones plugged in, listening to music or podcasts and not care about anyone else. I hate calling on the phone to set up appointments or place orders.

Given these facts, life as a houseband has been pretty neutral for me. I don't have to deal with a lot of people, which is a plus for my introvert side, but the extrovert me is bored to his wits. 

My phone, then, has become an essential tool for me to stay connected with others. Unfortunately, it is also a main source of distraction.

Cellphones have become such a norm now that not having one seems like a foreign concept.
(image source: https://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/m/modern_society.asp)

I've been to gatherings with friends where five people are staring at their phones on the same table. I've been to dinners where the hungry couldn't eat because the perfect photo hasn't been snapped. The most physical interaction people have sometimes is when they share the phone watching a single video. 

I'm guilty of it too. The introvert in me enjoys the extrovert things because the phone becomes my avatar to interact with others.

That said, when I get a chance to meet with people, I try to make it a point to detach myself from my phone in order to have amazing conversations. 

Here are some of the things that I realized from my recent interactions with friends and family:

The Social Media Connection

Didn't see each other at all through college and years after that, and I still became a client.

In July, I had a high school friend do our baby's birthday cake.

I met Rachelle when our class met theirs in an official school event where an all-boys school has some kind of soiree with an all-girls school. We didn't really hang out, but our class was pretty tight, so my friends' friends are also somehow my friends.

Naturally, we didn't catch up on a regular, but because of social media, I was able to at least know that she makes cakes. 

When I picked up the cake, I realized it was the first time I actually called her on the phone. 

Our brief interaction made me look back at my adolescent life. Back then, life seemed complicated when I was living it. There were too many rules, not enough money to spend, and there was a constant fear of taking examinations in school. I couldn't wait to get older.

After a bit of catching up with her, I realized that there wasn't much to talk about because the issues that bothered us back then were so trivial that we didn't even need to ask about any of it. We could only be amazed that we were still able to reconnect after so many years.

It's one of the wonders that social media does for people - the slightest connection you have with one can lead to a different relationship over time.

The Dad Life

Drink when it's cheap, eat where it's cheap later.

Moshe and I have been friends by association since college. We were dating our significant others then, and they were in the same class.

Years later, we're both married to them, we've been housemates, and we're practically family. While we don't usually drink out, there was a promo where we could drink out and not feel too guilty about it since it's not "Crazy Rich Asian" expensive - a norm here when you drink at bars compared to how much you spend in a bar back in the Philippines.

We live completely different lives. I'm a houseband, while he's the classic father-provider in their family. We don't have much in common, but we do have a passion for basketball and our families, which apparently was enough to last us an entire afternoon of conversations.

We face different challenges, but the beauty of an actual conversation is that you get to understand the other person better. Sharing challenges to each other isn't about who has it worse or better, but rather an opportunity to be with someone who can offer a fresh perspective or empathize with you.

Sharing and alcohol won't solve these problems, but having company while drinking means you get to talk about so much more than just the bad stuff.

Dads Are Still Bros

Mandatory "reporting" pic to send to the wife, a staple in every bro hangout.

In mid September, Nino visited Singapore alone after something came up that didn't allow Tring and baby Oona to join him.

Tring is a good friend of mine that I met in my early college days, while I met Nino a couple of years after we graduated when Tring introduced him as her boyfriend. Being the chummy guy that I am, I didn't want him to feel left out in the new group of people he met, so I talked to him a lot that night.

We eventually ended up being really good friends, to the point where I was hanging out with him more than I would with Tring.

Like Moshe, he's also working to provide for the family.

Instead of a beer session though, we spent the whole afternoon in a semi-tour; walked under the rain in Orchard, ate Chicken Curry, walked in IKEA and popped a bottle of whisky while playing NBA2K til midnight.

In a typical night/day out back then, we'd probably be playing basketball in the afternoon and having drinks later on, or maybe playing NBA2K while drinking, or simply just drinking.

Things dramatically change when we're older and have adult responsibilities.

While it was unfortunate that his family couldn't join him, it was a good reminder that underneath all our dadbod fats, we're still the bros we were back then.

Bridging the Gap

Beers on fancy cups, but there was nothing fancy with the stuff we talked about.

My dad has 12 other siblings in their family.

It shouldn't be a surprise that there are more than 40 of us who are cousins in just this side of the family.

We naturally grouped ourselves through our ages, and it has stuck for the most part.

When Moses, one of the younger ones, visited Singapore on official business, he spared some time to meet with me to catch up.

For years, we've had a hunch of his gender identity, but we never actually confronted him about it. Over the past couple of years, he has been more open to the family about it, and is now one of my most fabulous cousins.

He cooks, he bakes, and he manages his dad's schedule, among other important things in their company.

10 years ago, I never would have imagined myself sitting across a table from him, sharing a beer and stories I wouldn't have asked him.

Growing up, there's a certain generation gap even if it's just a difference of four or five years. However, at some point, we all become adults, and would have to deal with the same adult issues. Age really does become just a number.

Live In The Now

This guy is the shining example of why I can't see alcohol as something to drown out problems,
because it's always fun drinking with him

My cousin Richard has been in Singapore for the longest time, and was instrumental in helping my sister stay in the country while she was still finding a job.

However, since they're living on the other side of the island, we rarely get a chance to meet in my three years of staying here.

One night after we came back to Singapore after Vino's birthday, I asked to meet Richard some time soon so that I could share some Bicol Express I brought from home. Over the course of our conversation, we ended up deciding to meet later that day.

Two bottles became three towers of beer, but we barely noticed it because we were so busy catching up with so many things that we ended up staying way past our curfews.

We talked so much about life, the future, and opportunities, and I learned a lot. And to think that meeting wouldn't have happened if we planned it ahead of time.

Too many times, "something came up" and other random events keep happening that we miss out on catching up with people we want to meet. As we both learned that night, there was no better time than "now" to make things happen.

Keeping It Together

A night out is usually never complete without this litter bugger.

Inspired by the great conversations I had, I took out my wife one Sunday night.

Without much interactions or anything significant happening in my life at home, I don't have much to share to her on a regular basis. On her side, work has kept her busy that even at home, there may be times that she's still working. At times, instead of sharing her frustrations, she would rather get some rest.

I never held it against her, because I did grow up with both my parents working. While they weren't as readily available as other parents, it didn't make me love them less, because I knew that they were away so that they could provide food on the table. Similarly, my wife works to provide for the family, so I give her all the space she needs and just stayed ready when she needs me.

After meaningful moments with friends and family, I thought it was time to do the same with her on a stress-free night.

With our baby tired for the day, we had him tucked to sleep while we slipped out for a quick dinner for two. It was a random date, but it seemed one we needed to have.

We're going into year three of our marriage, but it will actually be 14 years of being together. Being comfortable with each other for this long makes it easy to forget how important these dates and conversations are in making our relationship last.

Never take these simple things for granted, because you'll never know if there are small issues that are piling up.  

...Housebanding in Singapore: Eight Months In...

If you asked me when I was in high school where I saw myself by age 30, I probably wouldn't have a concrete answer. However, I definitely wouldn't have said "married, and unemployed in a different country."

"Retired" would probably be a better goal by the time you reach 30, but that could only happen when you have enough savings to make you not work anymore. If you lived most of your life in a third world country with a corrupt government, chances are you never got the opportunity to earn enough to do that by age 30 unless you're either a tech whiz who invented some revolutionary new app or something, a lottery winner, or a kid of a corrupt politician. Since I am neither of those, and I lived most of my 30 years in the Philippines, I can definitely say that I am unemployed, and not retired.

Since graduating in 2007, I had about four jobs, and none of which look appealing enough to build around here in Singapore. I would explore entry level jobs, but there aren't a lot of open doors for 30-year-old rookies. It gets frustrating. My wife and I are not going hungry, as my waistline and neck fats would tell you. However, as a man, I do want to be the provider for our family, not the other way around.

One of our wedding godmothers tried to catch up with me recently, and she said she's happy to see that we're still enjoying Singapore despite my situation. I said I always enjoy what I have and don't stress out on what I don't. I think being happy is always a choice. How else can you explain Filipinos keeping smiles on their faces when the news feature their towns devastated by floods?

So, eight months in to this marriage, unemployed in a foreign country and away from my family and friends, I have to say that I'm no expert in this kind of life. Still, that never stopped me from writing before, it won't stop me from writing now. I'll probably update this in the future, or look back at this whenever things get hard. For now, here are three things that could help a houseband like me keep a happy marriage:

Have Pride as a Houseband

Men are supposed to be the provider, the head of the family. Once a man does not fulfill that, he feels less of a man. And what is a man without his pride?

I think that in this day and age, we should recognize the possibility of the house husband - the houseband. For years, women have fought for equal rights so that they could have jobs and positions that were once thought to be exclusive for men. Now that women are in positions of power, why can't there be men who are in occupations once thought of as exclusive to women?

Instead of bumming out because of not having a job, why not be the keeper of the house? Make sure that the wife, who is working to provide for the family, does not have to worry about keeping the house in order. Women have done it for years, there's no reason for men not to be able to handle it, especially if they think it's easy

Instead of sulking about not having a job, be the best houseband your wife could ever have. It's still a full time job.

Spend According to Your Earnings

When you have zero earnings, don't be a burden. My wife didn't let me manage her expenses early on in our careers because she thought it was her hard earned money, and it was her right to spend it any way that she liked. Looking back, I think I should have held back on my spending when she wasn't, but I live with no regrets. My money was spent on good food, and my belly is now my pride.

Money does not come easy, and I know that mounting expenses can spark a fight between couples. Despite having been together for a good ten years prior to getting married, we never had to pay for utilities. We shared food expenses, nothing more. Now we have rent and utilities to think about. Since I don't have income to share, the best that I could do is make life as comfortable for her as possible, because that's all that I can do to pull my weight.

I'm thankful to have had parents who disciplined me enough to grow up not having expensive hobbies. I love electronic gadgets, but I don't feel compelled to own every interesting one. I love playing basketball, and it's great to be in a country where courts are managed well despite not many locals keen on playing the game. I love food, and having housemates who enjoy trying out restaurants as much as trying to cook on our own helps satisfy my taste buds.

Money can't buy everything, and it's not that difficult to find the free things that could make us happy.

Find Ways to Surprise Her

When friends ask me what they should do to impress a girl, I always tell them to keep it simple. Grand gestures of love are always great for movies, but in real life, it could cause problems down the line. See, movies could end with the couple kissing and the camera panning out. Real life doesn't. And when you get tired of thinking about grand gestures, your partner would grow disappointed and think that you're not putting much effort into your relationship.

I'd be a hypocrite if I said I never did grand gestures to impress my wife before. Of course I did. But it didn't happen often. The best surprises are those that you do when she least expects it. I had friends help me set up a song number for her debut; I had friends help me set up flowers at different spots in UST; and I had help putting together my proposal video. Those were happy moments, but the priceless ones were the ones that I didn't spend much money on; the nerds in a Coke can, the note on a cassette, and the actual proposal.

A surprise doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. It just needs to be well thought of and something your partner can appreciate. I didn't have money for her birthday, but I scoured all possible outlets of Mizuno in Singapore to find the best volleyball kneepads for her. I didn't find the model I was looking for, but after comparing it with other brands, I thought that the ones I got best fit her game. I know, because I see her play. I also arranged her closet, because I know she doesn't have much time to do such things. For her birthday dinner, I woke up early to buy all the ingredients from the market and had her sleep in.

She didn't cry, she wasn't overwhelmed, but I know she appreciated the effort. A married life doesn't have to be boring. There was never a "The End" after you sealed your marriage with a kiss; you don't get to stop trying to woo her.

Enjoy the Little Things

My wife and I spent a couple of years maintaining a long distance relationship prior to getting married. During this time, all we could do was have video dates and update each other through social messaging apps. We couldn't nurse each other back to health or hold each other's hand.

After getting married, we stayed together in  Singapore and have a better appreciation for the things we missed out on. While "adulting" could lead to worrying about more things than romance, couples shouldn't neglect it.

Old couples probably don't notice, but some romantics get teary-eyed when they see them walking hand in hand even if they could barely walk. We romantics could only dream of having that at that age. And I believe that that doesn't happen if they didn't do it constantly over the years.

Regret Nothing and Blame No One

I had a pretty good job back at home. I had a car, I had family and friends nearby. I was earning enough to maintain a lifestyle that let me enjoy life. And now I'm sitting alone at home, jobless, with no one to talk to during work hours.

It's easy to blame my wife for choosing to move away from home. It's logical to regret not choosing to pursue a course about computers since most openings in the country we moved to are tech-related. It shouldn't be surprising to find me hating life.

But here I am, writing a blog about how to stay happy. Because right now, I am happily married.

I don't blame my wife for the life I am living now. She chose to move away because of a better opportunity. While I had a decent income back at home, she didn't. If I held her back so that we could both stay, we probably wouldn't be in a better situation financially.

While my phone's not ringing because of employers, I don't regret taking up Philosophy in college. I met a lot of great people there, and it shaped me into the man that I am today. I also wouldn't have met my wife.

Albert Camus was quoted as saying that "life is a sum of all your choices" (I googled for proper citation on the quote, I'm not about to pretend I'm a bookworm). I think I'm pretty ok as a person. I'm sarcastic, at times obnoxious, definitely noisy, but most of the time, fun to be with. I think my family and friends enjoy my company in good times and in bad, so I at least know that I ended up as a pretty good person.

This is my life so far; this is the sum of my choices. It is a sum that I will happily live with because of how I turned out to be as a person, be it as a husband, a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew or a friend.

Living should always be going forward. We can stop to learn from where we stumbled, but we can't regret our choices or blame others for where we ended up. We did what we did because it was what we thought was right at the time that we did it. Regret and blame won't make our lives better when we wake up.

Sulking alone or with your partner could lead to a pretty miserable partnership. When you got married, you shared your life with someone. That means your success is their success, and your failures are theirs as well. Don't drag happiness down with problems that wouldn't be solved by talking about it.