Ok fine. Sabi ko ndi na ko mag-e-emo na blog. Sorry na. Public rant lang. Sa mga taong nagbabasa. At pati na rin sa mga taong ndi. Basta alam ko ang mga makakabasa nito ay either mga taong nagbabasa talaga ng mga blog ko, o di kaya'y sadyang isa kayong tao sa buhay ko na gusto kong i-share ang buhay ko. Kaya kung ayaw mo, pasensya. Pwede mo namang ndi basahin eh. Mahaba to. Ata.
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Frustrations, Che:
Nakakainis kasi pilit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na ndi ako naghanap ng iba. Sadyang nahulog loob ko sa bagong dumating na tao. Nagkaroon ng pagkakataong ayokong palampasin. Gusto ko yung dumating eh. Kaso ayun nga, nakasakit ako.
Ndi naman kami nangako sa isa't isa na kami pa rin sa huli. Sinabi ko nun nag-hiwalay kami na dapat tanggalin na sa isip namin na kami pa rin sa huli kasi kun ndi, balewala ang paghihiwalay namin. Pero oo, sige, siguro umasa pa rin ako. Alam ko umasa pa rin xa. Ayoko. Andami nang masyadong hang-ups para ibalik pa sa dati. Kelangan muna namin makilala sarili namin.
Tapos ayun na nga, dumating si Kt. Ndi ko pinalampas ang pagkakataon. Tapos, ayun, nasaktan si Che.
Sabi nya, inisip nya ndi naman ako tulad ng ibang lalaki, na baka maghihintay lang ako sa isang sulok habang hinahanap nya ang sarili nya.
Nakakainis. Kasi habang sinusubukan kong i-justify sa sarili ko ang nagawa kong pagkilala kei Kt, lalo ko lang naiisip na meron din xang dahilan na ndi ko iniintindi.
Iniisip ko, masakit noong nagdesisyon xang iwanan ako. Ayoko nang masaktan ulit sa pamamagitan ng pag-aantay, tapos baka eventually, makita nya ang sarili nya sa iba. Tama nang nasaktan ako sa paghihiwalay.
Ngayon, ndi ko alam kun paano makipag-usap kei Che. Alam kong "appear offline" na ang status nya sa YM ko. Siguro naka-hide na rin ako sa Facebook nya dahil sa ilang status ko ukol sa pag-iisip ng Canada. Ndi naman ako manhid. Kaya ayoko na rin lumapit.
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Frustrations, Kt:
Nakakainis, kasi ambilis ng mga pangyayari. Pati pag-hulog ko napabilis din ata. Sobrang over-protective ako sa kanya. At wala xa dito. Ang helpless ng feeling ko na nalasing xa dun at nakitulog sa ibang bahay, tapos ako nandito, nag-aantay, ni ndi xa matawagan dahil wala na yun linya nya sa cell, at wala naman xa sa bahay, so balewala rin naman kun tumawag ako sa kanila.
Parang, "don't call me, i'll call you" ang dating. Ang hirap. Kasi ndi ko alam kun anu ginagawa nya dun. At sobrang napaparanoid ako. Kaya ko xang antayin, as in seriously, antayin. Kaso ndi ko alam kun kaya nya makapaghintay rin sa pagkakataon naming dalawa.
Ngayon, wala ako ni isang tawag o message galing sa kanya. Iniisip ko dahil sa trabaho. Pero sa totoo lang, iniisip ko, mukhang mauudlot pag-uwi nya. Mukhang ndi xa matutuloy sa paghabol sa 2nd sem dito sa CEU. Kaya natatakot xang kumapit din sa kin, dahil baka ndi ko rin xa maantay.
=============================================================
Frustrations, on falling:
Mahal ko si Che. For the longest time, mahal ko si Che. Nahuhulog ako kei Kt. Sa bilis ng panahon, ndi ko xa matanggal sa isip ko. Basta.
So I know I have to decide. Ayokong matulad sa tatay ko. I decided to move on from Che, and risk falling again with Kt. Kaya nakakapag-status na ko sa Facebook. Kaya nakakapag-wall na ko kei Kt.
What sucks is that John Lloyd may have been on to something. Falling too early for someone is too risky for both people:
1. For Ex: You've been together for quite a while, then all of a sudden, there's this new person. So was the whole time you were together just a big lie?
2. For New Person: Great, you've got a thing going. But since it was too soon for you to leave someone you were with for quite some time, how can person be sure that you won't do the same thing this time?
Right now, ganyan nangyayari. Indecisiveness hurt them both, but making a decision pushed them both away.
Now, I'm alone. I think I like this. I want to feel lonely. Kasi malungkot na wala na si Che. Malungkot na nasa malayo si Kt. Malungkot na nasaktan ko si Che. Malungkot na mas nagiging masiketo si Kt at parang lumalayo xa dahil sa takot na "ma-aattach". Ndi ko maramdaman masyado ang lungkot pag nagkikita pa kami ni Che na parang ok lang lahat. Ndi ko maramdaman un lungkot pag tumatawag si Kt araw-araw.
Ngayong ayaw na makipag-usap ni Che, at ndi na rin tumatawag si Kt, ngayon ko nararamdaman na break na nga kami ni Che.
At ayoko na talaga. Kung ndi man babalik si Kt, ayoko na talaga. Sakit sa ulo. Babae. Tss. haha.. Joke lang. Point is, ayokong bumalik kei Che dahil parang pinili ko ang pinaka-convenient na solusyon. At ayoko dahil alam ko na ndi naman wala lang si Kt. Ayoko na rin, kung mei dumating man na chance ulit, ayoko na mag-dive agad.
As it seems, I can't deal with the ripples it may cause.
What happens now is that I'll wait for Kt. I'll try to support Che by not trying to push myself to her even as a friend. I may be waiting for nothing, pero gusto kong umasa. Basta ayoko na maghanap. Matagal pa siguro. Ang sakit sa puso eh. Sakit sa ulo. Puro isip. Puro sakit. Nyeta.
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Yun lang, random rant.=) I'll be good. At least things have finally slowed down. Sobrang bilis ng lahat eh. Kala ko kaya ko humabol nun Friday, kulang pa rin pala. At least ngayon eto na. Nararamdaman ko na un lungkot. At nagkakaron ako ng pagkakataong malungkot.=P
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
...Pangingialam ng Pakialamero: Kamustahan...
Di ko naisip na madadagdagan ko yung blog ko nung una ukol sa grammar. Pero tila mei sumayad nanaman sa isip ko na marahil pwede ko nang ilatha dito.
Madaldal ako. Bago o lumang kaibigan o kahit kakilala lang, kakausapin ko. Makwento ako. At kung nagkatugma ang interes natin, antagal nating mag-uusap kahit bago lang tayo magkakilala. Marunong din naman akong makinig. At nakikinig ako talaga sa mga bagay na interesado ako, at medyo umiiwas na sa mga bagay na ndi ko naman nais pakinggan. Kaya ko makipagplastikan, pero ndi ako makakatagal.Honest eh.
Dahil sa pagiging madaldal ko, nakahanap nanaman ako ng bagay na pwedeng pakialaman.
Kamustahan
Meron kasabihan, "first impressions last." Oo, nakilala ko ang kasabihang yan sa sikat na commercial ng Axe noong 90's. Kaya feeling ko cool ang Axe. Kaya gumamit ako. Para feeling cool din ako.
Pero wala na sa usapan yan.
Importante ang unang pagkakakilala seio ng tao. Tila ito na kasi ang habambuhay na pagkakakilala nya sa iyo. Lalo na kung minsan lang kayo magkita. May mga halimbawa ako ng mga nagaganap sa akin, pero maihahalintulad din naman ito sa iyong personal na karanasan.
===================================================================
1. Kamusta na si Tito mo?
Sisimulan ko sa pinakasikat. Dahil naging parte ng balita at mga pahayagan si Uncle Jun, eto ang pinaka-madalas na itanong sa kin. Mei mga taong ang pagkakakilala lang sa kin ay "pamangkin ni Jun Lozada". Kung di man, yung mga taong minsan ko lang makausap at alam na tito ko si Jun Lozada eh dito na lang parati sinisimulan ang usapan.
Eksena:
<enter Voltaire>
Person: Ui, kamusta, san ka galing?
Me: Opis.
Person: Ah. Kamusta na pala tito mo?
Me: Ah, ayun, nasa La Salle pa rin..
Person: Ang tagal na pala nun no?
Me: Oo nga eh..
<awkward silence: tinatansya ko kung interesado ba talaga xa, samantalang xa naman ay nag-iisip ng pwede pang itanong ukol kei Uncle Jun>
Person: Ui, si ___! Hoy ____! Lika nga dito!
Ang akin lang: minsan na lang kami talaga magkita ni Uncle Jun. At di porke't lumabas xa sa balita eh un at un lang ang pag-uusapan namin. Tito ko xa bago xa naging balita. Tinatanong ko ba pinag-usapan ninyo ng tito mo?
At kung interesado ka talaga magtanong, saka ka magtanong. Di un magtatanong ka para lang may maitanong. Ilang beses na rin na nagkaroon kami ng makabuluhang diskusyon ni Uncle Jun ukol sa ilang isyu, at nang gusto ko nang magkwento, eh nangyayari ang eksenang naging halimbawa ko.
Pero, anu ba ine-expect mong sagot sa tanong mo na "kamusta na tito mo?" I mean, seriously?
===================================================================
2. Oi, tumataya ka pa? / Ano pare, inom?
Eto marahil ang pinaka-karaniwang pangingialam ng tao sa buhay mo. Nakilala mo siya dahil sa isang pangyayari, sa pagkakataong nabanggit ko, sa pag-inom at sa pag-taya sa odds. Ang nakakaburat lang sa mga taong ganito eh parang wala ka nang ibang inatupag sa buhay mo kundi eto.
Eksena1:
<magkakasalubong sa hall>
Person: Oi Volt!
Me: O, musta?
Person: <insert verb here. suggestions are: inom, DoTA, counter, etc> na?
Me: Aga pa.
Person: haha
<exit>
Eksena2:
<magkakasalubong sa hall>
Person: Oi Volt!
Me: O, musta?
Person: <insert verb here. suggestions are: inom, DoTA, counter, etc> na?
Me: Tara!!!
Person: haha
<exit>
Nagkasalubong kayo, alam naman nyang ndi siya pwede sa aya nya, pero aayain ka pa rin. May buhay din ako. Ok lang un "musta?-ok lang." na batian. Kung mag-aaya ka, ituloy mo. At huwag kang ta-timing na ndi pwede ang isa sa tin.
===================================================================
3. Prof pa ba si sa AB si Doctor Co?
Sa office, ako na pinakabata sa eded na 23 anyos. Ang susunod sa kin marahil nasa malapit na sa 40. Mahirap makahanap ng pwedeng makausap. Seryoso.
Minsan, si Sir Gilbert, na taga-UST pala, eh kinausap ako.
Eksena:
Sir Gilbert: San ka gumraduate?
Me: UST po.
Sir Gilbert: Ah. Anung course mo na nga?
Me: Philosophy po.
Sir Gilbert: Ah talaga? Nag-AB din ako dati eh, Behevioral Science. Tapos pagkakuha ng AB General, lumipat na ko sa Science.
Me: Ah talaga po?
Sir Gilbert: Anjan pa ba si Dr. Co?
Me: Opo, nagtuturo pa po.
Sir Gilbert: Ah talaga? Ang tagal na nya dun ah! Eh si <insert name of AB Prof during the early 90's>?
Me: <insert truthful answer about what you know about professor>
<repeat process hanggang matapos yung pinapagawa nya>
Nangyari ang eksenang yan mga Feb 2008. At mula noon, sa tuwing nagkakausap kami, nagsisimula ang usapan sa "Anjan pa ba si Dr. Co?"..
Minsan, ok lang naman na nakakita ka ng isang bagay kun saan makakarelate kayo pareho eh. Pero ndi naman na kasi magbabago mga sagot ko eh, bakit kelangan pa ulitin ang mga bwakananginang tanong? Naitanong mo na dati, nasagot ka na dati. Iba naman. Be creative naman sa usapan mehn.
=================================================================
Yun lang. Gusto ko lang mang-bangas ng mga taong ndi marunong makipag-usap. Ang usapan ay parating mei interes. Kun ndi ka interesado kausapin yung tao, wag mo pilitin sarili mo.
Madaldal ako. Bago o lumang kaibigan o kahit kakilala lang, kakausapin ko. Makwento ako. At kung nagkatugma ang interes natin, antagal nating mag-uusap kahit bago lang tayo magkakilala. Marunong din naman akong makinig. At nakikinig ako talaga sa mga bagay na interesado ako, at medyo umiiwas na sa mga bagay na ndi ko naman nais pakinggan. Kaya ko makipagplastikan, pero ndi ako makakatagal.Honest eh.
Dahil sa pagiging madaldal ko, nakahanap nanaman ako ng bagay na pwedeng pakialaman.
Kamustahan
Meron kasabihan, "first impressions last." Oo, nakilala ko ang kasabihang yan sa sikat na commercial ng Axe noong 90's. Kaya feeling ko cool ang Axe. Kaya gumamit ako. Para feeling cool din ako.
Pero wala na sa usapan yan. Importante ang unang pagkakakilala seio ng tao. Tila ito na kasi ang habambuhay na pagkakakilala nya sa iyo. Lalo na kung minsan lang kayo magkita. May mga halimbawa ako ng mga nagaganap sa akin, pero maihahalintulad din naman ito sa iyong personal na karanasan.
===================================================================
1. Kamusta na si Tito mo?
Sisimulan ko sa pinakasikat. Dahil naging parte ng balita at mga pahayagan si Uncle Jun, eto ang pinaka-madalas na itanong sa kin. Mei mga taong ang pagkakakilala lang sa kin ay "pamangkin ni Jun Lozada". Kung di man, yung mga taong minsan ko lang makausap at alam na tito ko si Jun Lozada eh dito na lang parati sinisimulan ang usapan.
Eksena:
<enter Voltaire>
Person: Ui, kamusta, san ka galing?
Me: Opis.
Person: Ah. Kamusta na pala tito mo?
Me: Ah, ayun, nasa La Salle pa rin..
Person: Ang tagal na pala nun no?
Me: Oo nga eh..
<awkward silence: tinatansya ko kung interesado ba talaga xa, samantalang xa naman ay nag-iisip ng pwede pang itanong ukol kei Uncle Jun>
Person: Ui, si ___! Hoy ____! Lika nga dito!
Ang akin lang: minsan na lang kami talaga magkita ni Uncle Jun. At di porke't lumabas xa sa balita eh un at un lang ang pag-uusapan namin. Tito ko xa bago xa naging balita. Tinatanong ko ba pinag-usapan ninyo ng tito mo?
At kung interesado ka talaga magtanong, saka ka magtanong. Di un magtatanong ka para lang may maitanong. Ilang beses na rin na nagkaroon kami ng makabuluhang diskusyon ni Uncle Jun ukol sa ilang isyu, at nang gusto ko nang magkwento, eh nangyayari ang eksenang naging halimbawa ko.
Pero, anu ba ine-expect mong sagot sa tanong mo na "kamusta na tito mo?" I mean, seriously?
===================================================================
2. Oi, tumataya ka pa? / Ano pare, inom?
Eto marahil ang pinaka-karaniwang pangingialam ng tao sa buhay mo. Nakilala mo siya dahil sa isang pangyayari, sa pagkakataong nabanggit ko, sa pag-inom at sa pag-taya sa odds. Ang nakakaburat lang sa mga taong ganito eh parang wala ka nang ibang inatupag sa buhay mo kundi eto.
Eksena1:
<magkakasalubong sa hall>
Person: Oi Volt!
Me: O, musta?
Person: <insert verb here. suggestions are: inom, DoTA, counter, etc> na?
Me: Aga pa.
Person: haha
<exit>
Eksena2:
<magkakasalubong sa hall>
Person: Oi Volt!
Me: O, musta?
Person: <insert verb here. suggestions are: inom, DoTA, counter, etc> na?
Me: Tara!!!
Person: haha
<exit>
Nagkasalubong kayo, alam naman nyang ndi siya pwede sa aya nya, pero aayain ka pa rin. May buhay din ako. Ok lang un "musta?-ok lang." na batian. Kung mag-aaya ka, ituloy mo. At huwag kang ta-timing na ndi pwede ang isa sa tin.
===================================================================
3. Prof pa ba si sa AB si Doctor Co?
Sa office, ako na pinakabata sa eded na 23 anyos. Ang susunod sa kin marahil nasa malapit na sa 40. Mahirap makahanap ng pwedeng makausap. Seryoso.
Minsan, si Sir Gilbert, na taga-UST pala, eh kinausap ako.
Eksena:
Sir Gilbert: San ka gumraduate?
Me: UST po.
Sir Gilbert: Ah. Anung course mo na nga?
Me: Philosophy po.
Sir Gilbert: Ah talaga? Nag-AB din ako dati eh, Behevioral Science. Tapos pagkakuha ng AB General, lumipat na ko sa Science.
Me: Ah talaga po?
Sir Gilbert: Anjan pa ba si Dr. Co?
Me: Opo, nagtuturo pa po.
Sir Gilbert: Ah talaga? Ang tagal na nya dun ah! Eh si <insert name of AB Prof during the early 90's>?
Me: <insert truthful answer about what you know about professor>
<repeat process hanggang matapos yung pinapagawa nya>
Nangyari ang eksenang yan mga Feb 2008. At mula noon, sa tuwing nagkakausap kami, nagsisimula ang usapan sa "Anjan pa ba si Dr. Co?"..
Minsan, ok lang naman na nakakita ka ng isang bagay kun saan makakarelate kayo pareho eh. Pero ndi naman na kasi magbabago mga sagot ko eh, bakit kelangan pa ulitin ang mga bwakananginang tanong? Naitanong mo na dati, nasagot ka na dati. Iba naman. Be creative naman sa usapan mehn.
=================================================================
Yun lang. Gusto ko lang mang-bangas ng mga taong ndi marunong makipag-usap. Ang usapan ay parating mei interes. Kun ndi ka interesado kausapin yung tao, wag mo pilitin sarili mo.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
...On Truth vs Lies...
I love my mom. She goes crazy worried at times, paranoid even, but I love her. Ever since the big reveal my dad did some couple of years back, my mom's become unpredictable. Being an emotional guy myself, I can feel her pain. And I hate feeling her pain. Not because I don't want to sympathize, but rather, because I know I can't do anything to heal her pain..
Almost all my uncles have/had their own affairs. I'm too clueless to know for sure, and too mindful not to ask those kinds of personal questions. It's almost like a norm that asking it seems absurd.
With my first hand experience of my mom, I know I don't want to make the same mistakes my dad did. I vowed never to lie to my partner, and stay true to her. I didn't want the same tears my mother cried to flow from my partner's face.
And then, the inevitable happened. We had to break up. I knew we needed it. That night we broke up, I told her we shouldn't think that we'd end up together in the end, because if that's the case, our breakup would've been useless. But I hung around. Because she is the one constant in my life.
And then came someone. I barely know her. But I liked her the first time I saw her. I tried to get to know her in the short amount of time that she'd be here. I thought it might have been too early on in the breakup period, but what the hell, I didn't have time, she's leaving. We had something. I know we did. And I felt that I was being unfair to Che. I told her about Kt. She was hurt so bad. She never saw it coming. She thought I would be different from other guys. She tried to accept it, what I had. But ultimately, she thought it's hurting her too much. And she didn't want to talk to me anymore.
It hurts, of course. She may not be my girlfriend anymore, but she's my best friend. She's my little sister. And her disowning me like that hurts like hell.
But by virtue of honesty, I told Kt about it. And naturally, she'd feel that she's being used as a tool to forget about the past. She too, wanted to stay away from me..
It sucks. I promised myself to be honest, but as it seems, if I just lied or kept things from both of them, they both should still be here. Now they're both gone. As they should. Because it is unfair.
There are things that I am sure of:
1. I am happy with Kt.
2. Che is the one constant in my life outside of family.
3. I want to be happy.
4. I wouldn't have tried to get to know Kt if Che and I were still together. (Though I would've stared at her all night, and I would've told Che about her anyway)
5. I'm glad to have taken the risk and know a girl like Kt the way I did.
I don't want to lose Che because she's my best friend. But I don't want to let go of Kt because I know I feel something for her. This is just too damn selfish of me. And much as I loathe what he did, I have become my dad. The good thing with this happening this early in my life is that at least they can both just walk away. And they did.
==================================================================
Kt finally replied to my messages. Che finally broke her silence and sent a PM through YM and a message tonight. I feel that Kt's still afraid, but she doesn't want to let go as well. I feel that Che is hurt, and she still loves me, but she's trying to let me go and be happy. Che says she's happy for me being happy but sad because she's not the source of my happiness.
I want to get to know Kt more, but I guess the guilty feeling of leaving Che alone holds me back. But I want to jump in.
I realized all these are happening too fast. I need to catch up... I think I'll start on Thursday. Because Thursdays are generally good. I'll stop with this emo phase and be happy again on Friday.
Almost all my uncles have/had their own affairs. I'm too clueless to know for sure, and too mindful not to ask those kinds of personal questions. It's almost like a norm that asking it seems absurd.
With my first hand experience of my mom, I know I don't want to make the same mistakes my dad did. I vowed never to lie to my partner, and stay true to her. I didn't want the same tears my mother cried to flow from my partner's face.
And then, the inevitable happened. We had to break up. I knew we needed it. That night we broke up, I told her we shouldn't think that we'd end up together in the end, because if that's the case, our breakup would've been useless. But I hung around. Because she is the one constant in my life.
And then came someone. I barely know her. But I liked her the first time I saw her. I tried to get to know her in the short amount of time that she'd be here. I thought it might have been too early on in the breakup period, but what the hell, I didn't have time, she's leaving. We had something. I know we did. And I felt that I was being unfair to Che. I told her about Kt. She was hurt so bad. She never saw it coming. She thought I would be different from other guys. She tried to accept it, what I had. But ultimately, she thought it's hurting her too much. And she didn't want to talk to me anymore.
It hurts, of course. She may not be my girlfriend anymore, but she's my best friend. She's my little sister. And her disowning me like that hurts like hell.
But by virtue of honesty, I told Kt about it. And naturally, she'd feel that she's being used as a tool to forget about the past. She too, wanted to stay away from me..
It sucks. I promised myself to be honest, but as it seems, if I just lied or kept things from both of them, they both should still be here. Now they're both gone. As they should. Because it is unfair.
There are things that I am sure of:
1. I am happy with Kt.
2. Che is the one constant in my life outside of family.
3. I want to be happy.
4. I wouldn't have tried to get to know Kt if Che and I were still together. (Though I would've stared at her all night, and I would've told Che about her anyway)
5. I'm glad to have taken the risk and know a girl like Kt the way I did.
I don't want to lose Che because she's my best friend. But I don't want to let go of Kt because I know I feel something for her. This is just too damn selfish of me. And much as I loathe what he did, I have become my dad. The good thing with this happening this early in my life is that at least they can both just walk away. And they did.
==================================================================
Kt finally replied to my messages. Che finally broke her silence and sent a PM through YM and a message tonight. I feel that Kt's still afraid, but she doesn't want to let go as well. I feel that Che is hurt, and she still loves me, but she's trying to let me go and be happy. Che says she's happy for me being happy but sad because she's not the source of my happiness.
I want to get to know Kt more, but I guess the guilty feeling of leaving Che alone holds me back. But I want to jump in.
I realized all these are happening too fast. I need to catch up... I think I'll start on Thursday. Because Thursdays are generally good. I'll stop with this emo phase and be happy again on Friday.
Monday, July 6, 2009
...Of Collective Choices...
"if you could change the choices that you made, would you do it, today?"
-Just One Day, Better Than Ezra
I'm not too big with regret. I stand by the notion that whatever I did at the moment I was able to choose, it was the best choice I could possibly make at that moment. If it ripples into a multitude of problems, I just got to deal with them. Who knows if the other choice I could've made wouldn't make as much ripple.
Now a collection of choices hinder me from working. And I have to let this out before I start my day in the office. If it's long and you didn't want to read it because it is, I don't really care. I just have to let it out.
Back Story, Che..
Che and I broke up last May 21, 2009. It was, to some extent, a good breakup. We felt we both needed a break from each other because for the longest time, we were together. I felt she needed a break from me. Her work opened her to a new world of possibilites, and I felt like nail keeping her baloon from rising to the skies. I felt at some points that I wasn't helping her with her work stress, I'm becoming a different kind of stress.
Our breakup may have been too abrupt. It may have been work related. It may have just been done to address an immediate problem. It may have been wrong. But the bottom line is, we broke up.
While we talked, I told her not to think that we're going to end up with each other in the end, because by doing that, we're tying ourselves to each other, and our breakup wouldn't make sense.
I was hurt. Badly. I thought I did everything to keep her, but in the end, she needed to grow without me. So I licked my wounds and moved on. But I do care for her a lot. She's been my everything for so long, that I don't see a life without her. I have since learned to care for her only to some degree, and not care for her as much as before that I love her. I care for her as much as she is my closest friend, because she is. No amount of pain could change that.
I wanted "us" to work. Really. But I didn't want to jump back in to our relationship because I know that while I'd be happy with her being with me again, it would feel as if I'm lying to myself, knowing that she may not love me the same light as I do. I was compared to a gay guy, for crying out loud. Sorry, EJ, no disrespect to you, but I was Che's boyfriend, and when she says we're no different in her eyes, that says a lot about how we're supposed to be.
I felt that she wouldn't find her answers alone. And as much as it would hurt, I knew she needed to know somebody else, love somebody else, hold another person's hand, and feel for another person for her to know the answers to her questions.
We remained friends after, still hung out, still talked.. People still speculate us being together, but like I said, I made my choice, she needed to grow, and I had to let go. And I did. Romantically. But as a friend, I was still here for her. Her friends are my friends and my friends are her friends. At this age, we still like to go out on Fridays, or on random days of the week. Our lives have become so intertwined that it's impossible to see life without her.
Back Story, KT...
Rey celebrated his birthday at Tony's last June 20. Imon's girlfriend, Ella, brought her best friend with her, KT. Imon said that girl was pretty, and I wasn't really sold on the idea. But when I did see her, I thought Imon was right. I liked looking at her every chance that I got. I didn't want to talk to her. I was too shy. But at the end of the night, Rey managed to make a believeable alibi for me to get her number. And I did.
I'm not the kind of guy who'd try to go out with someone I just met. I never took risks like that. But I kinda made an exception for this girl, knowing she's leaving anyway, and if she'd hate me for the rest of her life, it doesn't matter since she is a migrant of Canada.
My risk resulted in a date. And another. And another. With every date, I felt happy being with her. It was an exhilirating experience, blissful even, because I enjoy moments I have with her, even simple text messages make me smile. It was a new feeling. I kept thinking about her. And I wanted to find ways for us to keep in touch when she's back in Canada.
She knows about Che. She, like most others, also thinks that we might end up back together. But she said she liked me as well, though she knows that it can't happen, because of her notion that Che and I may end up back together.
But I chose to enjoy the "now" that we had. And I felt that what we had was not just something that can be forgotten. And I felt that I was being unfair to both of them: Che not knowing keeps her in the dark of things that she shouldn't be, while KT's being kept hidden from Che like some kind of secret no one should know about.
On Revelation
Against my better judgement, I met up with Che. I say that it is against my better judgement because I know it would hurt her badly. But I chose to tell her about KT because I was being unfair. I ranted irrationally when I saw a picture of her and some guy they insist was gay. Then THIS happens to me.
I hurt her. She thought I was not the kind of guy who'd look for someone to forget about her. She was always worried at what I was doing to myself ever since we broke up.
To make it perfectly clear, I don't meet people to forget about the past. The past is the past. Now is now. I wasn't looking to forget. I just saw a chance to be happy. And I took that chance. And now I am.
I think.
Aftermath
Before I went to Che, KT's ex invited me to be his contact in Facebook. His profile pic was him with a friend and KT, with KT leaning on him. Dated 3/31/09. I guess I got jealous. So I told KT I was going to Che to tell her about her, without me knowing if she's still with her ex, really, and who's rebounding who.
But I still went to Che to tell her about KT. I risked losing Che, with the thought that KT might not be there.
I talk a lot. Maybe a little more than I should. I blog a lot. Maybe a little more than is acceptable. But this is me. And I choose to say what's on my mind whenever it wants to blow up in my face.
So now, I'm floating in this:
1. I'm happy with KT despite the distance.
2. I can't feel that I'm happy right now, because I know I hurt Che badly.
3. There's finally reason for Che to believe that I'm ok.
4. KT's still probably thinking "we" are wrong.
5. Everyone's probably thinking I'm no different than any other guy, jumping from one girl to the next at any time he wishes.
6. I'm a hypocrite who wants to justify his actions.
Facts are these:
1. I have moved on from the fact that Che is no longer my my girlfriend, but I haven't, and never will, move on from the idea that she is a dear friend.
2. I like KT because I want to know her for her, and not to forget, because I don't want to forget a part of my life.
3. I may be falling for KT, and Che must know this early because it hurts more if she knew after I'm way too deep in this.
4. I can't apologize enough for hurting Che this way.
5. I know I am happy now, and am no longer carrying the burden of keeping something from someone.
Insensitive. Selfish. Hypocrite. Asshole. --> these may be choice adjectives for me if you actually decided to read through the whole thing. But I think ultimately, this whole episode is a learning experience, and will make all the parties involved to be better people.
I don't know where this would lead me, but it's a choice that I've made. And I've gotta live with the ripples it may cause.
Friday, July 3, 2009
...Random Rant: Gay Songs...
Coming from Don Bosco back in high school, and being exposed to the gay kind (taking Computer as your specialty will give you 3/4 of the whole gay population in your batch) many a time, I know for a fact that Mariah Carey is somewhat of an icon for them. If they could choose to put a person on a pedestal of a god, Mariah Carey would top their list.
Having said that, I daresay that you cannot call yourself a legit gay guy if you don't know her songs by heart. Or at least three songs.
Anyway, "Always be My Baby" was one of the gayest songs ever, in my opinion. And then that David Cook guy decided to sing his version of it. Knowing what song he chose, I think most of the people who watched his performance were all too curious at how miserably he was going to fail. But alas, he made it into a hit. And not long after, you hear it in the radio. Than after a bit, you get tired of it, because once it is played in the "kailangan pa bang imemorize yan" stations, ibig sabihin gasgas na ang kanta. At jologs ka kung meron ka pa sa playlist mo ng kantang yun.
So, I thought nothing, as in nothing would top that gay-song-turned-cult-theme thing that David Cook did for that song. And then came Daughtry, and then I remembered, before David Cook, Daughtry was the guy who brought "rock" in AI.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t90dFkM9acg
Ah yes. Daughtry.
Having said that, I daresay that you cannot call yourself a legit gay guy if you don't know her songs by heart. Or at least three songs.
Anyway, "Always be My Baby" was one of the gayest songs ever, in my opinion. And then that David Cook guy decided to sing his version of it. Knowing what song he chose, I think most of the people who watched his performance were all too curious at how miserably he was going to fail. But alas, he made it into a hit. And not long after, you hear it in the radio. Than after a bit, you get tired of it, because once it is played in the "kailangan pa bang imemorize yan" stations, ibig sabihin gasgas na ang kanta. At jologs ka kung meron ka pa sa playlist mo ng kantang yun.
So, I thought nothing, as in nothing would top that gay-song-turned-cult-theme thing that David Cook did for that song. And then came Daughtry, and then I remembered, before David Cook, Daughtry was the guy who brought "rock" in AI.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t90dFkM9acg
Ah yes. Daughtry.
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