...On Truth vs Lies...

I love my mom. She goes crazy worried at times, paranoid even, but I love her. Ever since the big reveal my dad did some couple of years back, my mom's become unpredictable. Being an emotional guy myself, I can feel her pain. And I hate feeling her pain. Not because I don't want to sympathize, but rather, because I know I can't do anything to heal her pain..

Almost all my uncles have/had their own affairs. I'm too clueless to know for sure, and too mindful not to ask those kinds of personal questions. It's almost like a norm that asking it seems absurd.

With my first hand experience of my mom, I know I don't want to make the same mistakes my dad did. I vowed never to lie to my partner, and stay true to her. I didn't want the same tears my mother cried to flow from my partner's face.

And then, the inevitable happened. We had to break up. I knew we needed it. That night we broke up, I told her we shouldn't think that we'd end up together in the end, because if that's the case, our breakup would've been useless. But I hung around. Because she is the one constant in my life.

And then came someone. I barely know her. But I liked her the first time I saw her. I tried to get to know her in the short amount of time that she'd be here. I thought it might have been too early on in the breakup period, but what the hell, I didn't have time, she's leaving. We had something. I know we did. And I felt that I was being unfair to Che. I told her about Kt. She was hurt so bad. She never saw it coming. She thought I would be different from other guys. She tried to accept it, what I had. But ultimately, she thought it's hurting her too much. And she didn't want to talk to me anymore.

It hurts, of course. She may not be my girlfriend anymore, but she's my best friend. She's my little sister. And her disowning me like that hurts like hell.

But by virtue of honesty, I told Kt about it. And naturally, she'd feel that she's being used as a tool to forget about the past. She too, wanted to stay away from me..

It sucks. I promised myself to be honest, but as it seems, if I just lied or kept things from both of them, they both should still be here. Now they're both gone. As they should. Because it is unfair.

There are things that I am sure of:

1. I am happy with Kt.
2. Che is the one constant in my life outside of family.
3. I want to be happy.
4. I wouldn't have tried to get to know Kt if Che and I were still together. (Though I would've stared at her all night, and I would've told Che about her anyway)
5. I'm glad to have taken the risk and know a girl like Kt the way I did.

I don't want to lose Che because she's my best friend. But I don't want to let go of Kt because I know I feel something for her. This is just too damn selfish of me. And much as I loathe what he did, I have become my dad. The good thing with this happening this early in my life is that at least they can both just walk away. And they did.

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Kt finally replied to my messages. Che finally broke her silence and sent a PM through YM and a message tonight. I feel that Kt's still afraid, but she doesn't want to let go as well. I feel that Che is hurt, and she still loves me, but she's trying to let me go and be happy. Che says she's happy for me being happy but sad because she's not the source of my happiness.

I want to get to know Kt more, but I guess the guilty feeling of leaving Che alone holds me back. But I want to jump in.

I realized all these are happening too fast. I need to catch up... I think I'll start on Thursday. Because Thursdays are generally good. I'll stop with this emo phase and be happy again on Friday.