...Of Collective Choices...

"if you could change the choices that you made, would you do it, today?"
                                                                 -Just One Day, Better Than Ezra

I'm not too big with regret. I stand by the notion that whatever I did at the moment I was able to choose, it was the best choice I could possibly make at that moment. If it ripples into a multitude of problems, I just got to deal with them. Who knows if the other choice I could've made wouldn't make as much ripple.

Now a collection of choices hinder me from working. And I have to let this out before I start my day in the office. If it's long and you didn't want to read it because it is, I don't really care. I just have to let it out.

Back Story, Che..

Che and I broke up last May 21, 2009. It was, to some extent, a good breakup. We felt we both needed a break from each other because for the longest time, we were together. I felt she needed a break from me. Her work opened her to a new world of possibilites, and I felt like nail keeping her baloon from rising to the skies. I felt at some points that I wasn't helping her with her work stress, I'm becoming a different kind of stress.

Our breakup may have been too abrupt. It may have been work related. It may have just been done to address an immediate problem. It may have been wrong. But the bottom line is, we broke up.

While we talked, I told her not to think that we're going to end up with each other in the end, because by doing that, we're tying ourselves to each other, and our breakup wouldn't make sense.

I was hurt. Badly. I thought I did everything to keep her, but in the end, she needed to grow without me. So I licked my wounds and moved on. But I do care for her a lot. She's been my everything for so long, that I don't see a life without her. I have since learned to care for her only to some degree, and not care for her as much as before that I love her. I care for her as much as she is my closest friend, because she is. No amount of pain could change that.

I wanted "us" to work. Really. But I didn't want to jump back in to our relationship because I know that while I'd be happy with her being with me again, it would feel as if I'm lying to myself, knowing that she may not love me the same light as I do. I was compared to a gay guy, for crying out loud. Sorry, EJ, no disrespect to you, but I was Che's boyfriend, and when she says we're no different in her eyes, that says a lot about how we're supposed to be.

I felt that she wouldn't find her answers alone. And as much as it would hurt, I knew she needed to know somebody else, love somebody else, hold another person's hand, and feel for another person for her to know the answers to her questions.

We remained friends after, still hung out, still talked.. People still speculate us being together, but like I said, I made my choice, she needed to grow, and I had to let go. And I did. Romantically. But as a friend, I was still here for her. Her friends are my friends and my friends are her friends. At this age, we still like to go out on Fridays, or on random days of the week. Our lives have become so intertwined that it's impossible to see life without her.

Back Story, KT...

Rey celebrated his birthday at Tony's last June 20. Imon's girlfriend, Ella, brought her best friend with her, KT. Imon said that girl was pretty, and I wasn't really sold on the idea. But when I did see her, I thought Imon was right. I liked looking at her every chance that I got. I didn't want to talk to her. I was too shy. But at the end of the night, Rey managed to make a believeable alibi for me to get her number. And I did.

I'm not the kind of guy who'd try to go out with someone I just met. I never took risks like that. But I kinda made an exception for this girl, knowing she's leaving anyway, and if she'd hate me for the rest of her life, it doesn't matter since she is a migrant of Canada.

My risk resulted in a date. And another. And another. With every date, I felt happy being with her. It was an exhilirating experience, blissful even, because I enjoy moments I have with her, even simple text messages make me smile. It was a new feeling. I kept thinking about her. And I wanted to find ways for us to keep in touch when she's back in Canada.

She knows about Che. She, like most others, also thinks that we might end up back together. But she said she liked me as well, though she knows that it can't happen, because of her notion that Che and I may end up back together.

But I chose to enjoy the "now" that we had. And I felt that what we had was not just something that can be forgotten. And I felt that I was being unfair to both of them: Che not knowing keeps her in the dark of things that she shouldn't be, while KT's being kept hidden from Che like some kind of secret no one should know about.

On Revelation

Against my better judgement, I met up with Che. I say that it is against my better judgement because I know it would hurt her badly. But I chose to tell her about KT because I was being unfair. I ranted irrationally when I saw a picture of her and some guy they insist was gay. Then THIS happens to me.

I hurt her. She thought I was not the kind of guy who'd look for someone to forget about her. She was always worried at what I was doing to myself ever since we broke up.

To make it perfectly clear, I don't meet people to forget about the past. The past is the past. Now is now. I wasn't looking to forget. I just saw a chance to be happy. And I took that chance. And now I am.

I think.

Aftermath

Before I went to Che, KT's ex invited me to be his contact in Facebook. His profile pic was him with a friend and KT, with KT leaning on him. Dated 3/31/09. I guess I got jealous. So I told KT I was going to Che to tell her about her, without me knowing if she's still with her ex, really, and who's rebounding who.

But I still went to Che to tell her about KT. I risked losing Che, with the thought that KT might not be there.

I talk a lot. Maybe a little more than I should. I blog a lot. Maybe a little more than is acceptable. But this is me. And I choose to say what's on my mind whenever it wants to blow up in my face.

So now, I'm floating in this:

1. I'm happy with KT despite the distance.
2. I can't feel that I'm happy right now, because I know I hurt Che badly.
3. There's finally reason for Che to believe that I'm ok.
4. KT's still probably thinking "we" are wrong.
5. Everyone's probably thinking I'm no different than any other guy, jumping from one girl to the next at any time he wishes.
6. I'm a hypocrite who wants to justify his actions.

Facts are these:

1. I have moved on from the fact that Che is no longer my my girlfriend, but I haven't, and never will, move on from the idea that she is a dear friend.
2. I like KT because I want to know her for her, and not to forget, because I don't want to forget a part of my life.
3. I may be falling for KT, and Che must know this early because it hurts more if she knew after I'm way too deep in this.
4. I can't apologize enough for hurting Che this way.
5. I know I am happy now, and am no longer carrying the burden of keeping something from someone.

Insensitive. Selfish. Hypocrite. Asshole. --> these may be choice adjectives for me if you actually decided to read through the whole thing. But I think ultimately, this whole episode is a learning experience, and will make all the parties involved to be better people.

I don't know where this would lead me, but it's a choice that I've made. And I've gotta live with the ripples it may cause.