...Meaningful Connections...

I’ve always been terrified of death.

The uncertainty of what happens after it shakes me to my core. Do we get reincarnated? Do we stay to haunt houses? Do we watch over our loved ones? Do we go to heaven? What happens in hell? Do we become cows or mosquitoes?

How much would this suck?

I never got over this fear, and I probably never would, but the thought of it always made me want to maximize every living day of my life.

When I was single, it meant being everywhere every time – I’d be the guy who would probably show up if you needed a drinking buddy at the shortest of notices. When I moved away, that turned into multiple chat groups on social media to stay in the loop of things happening in my friends’ lives.

I would stay up late and wake up at the earliest possible time my body would allow me to, because I felt that I’d have all the time in the world to sleep when I’m dead.

I could be playing games, staying up late to talk to people, or drinking until there’s no more alcohol left to consume – I probably wouldn’t sleep until my body tells me to.

I’ve lost so many people in my life, and in remembering their lives in their wakes, I always get reminded that material gains mean nothing when you’re gone.

All that people are left with are memories with you, the connections you made with them, and the conversations you left them with.

It made me value how I connected with people. It made it easier for me to filter out those who I didn’t need in my life.

Here’s how I made changes to make more meaningful connections in my life:

1. Accepting What I'm Not

There was a trend that came up recently where people post their achievements with captions like "22 and bought my first car, how about you?"

As a houseband, there are a lot of things that I can't achieve that my peers are working towards. I've  beaten myself up thinking "I should be doing this, I should be earning this much, I should already have that, etc."

Some people around me feel like I could be capable of greater things, or that I am wasting my life away by not living up to the conventional standards of success.

Upon reflection, I realized that I have no reason to live by anyone's standards. 

If I get a high-paying job or run a successful business, will they be satisfied with my achievements? Will it make their lives better knowing that I'm living up to what they think my potential is? Will my life be full knowing that I fulfilled their expectations of me?

And then I realized there was only one question that mattered: does their happiness have to matter more than mine?

We should find our own happiness.

Life shouldn't be a competition. 

We chase different goals, so who should define what a successful life is? If a capable engineering student decides to become a priest, does he fail in life because he can't utilize his talents properly?

We live on different paces, so who's to say that we're lagging behind in terms of milestones? Susan Boyle was 40 when she introduced herself to the world and started her career as a singer. 

I'm happy when my friends achieve their goals, and congratulate them with sincerity instead of jealousy. I've learned to not ask for favors, treats, or freebies for every success of my peers, because they don't owe me anything, and they worked hard to get to where they did. 

Meanwhile, I learned to live with those who are disappointed with how I am living my life - I stopped giving a fuck. 

By accepting my reality, I no longer felt the need to justify my situation to anyone and just swept away any judgmental opinion that came my way. 

It helped me spend less time with people who won't contribute positively in my life, and more time with people who matter to me. 

2. Filtering the Negative

My social media feed is my source of news about the world as well as my connection with my friends from past to present.

I can’t do anything about depressing or disappointing events happening, but friends who are constantly sharing negativity have no place in my feed or my life.

I don’t expect to be surrounded exclusively by people who share the same views that I do - I actually appreciate people who have a different perspective than mine, as they educate me.

However, if after a while, this friend continues to share nothing but his or her anger for the world, I either mute or unfriend them.

On top of my head, I can’t think of particular posts that they did, but I know that I’ve disconnected from people who I think are unreasonable when they argue, take fake news sites as bible truth, post 20 different versions of the same selfie, constantly flex things they clearly can’t afford, and are literal keyboard warriors, among others.

Your selfies aren't the problem - it's the effect on me that's negative.

I’d probably still talk to them when we bump into each other, but I most definitely won’t be spending too much time on that conversation.

In the finite time that I have in this world, I don’t want to spend a bulk of it stressing about negativity either by their posts or the effect their posts have on me.

3. Reaching Out

I usually comment on a friend’s post when it’s funny or relatable, but when it’s about something serious, I tend to reach out through a direct message.

Once, a college acquaintance posted about losing her unborn child.

I don’t remember us talking back in college, but as part of the student council back then, I made myself known to a lot of people so I probably added her on Facebook as she was one of the more recognizable faces of her major.

She left her heart out in her post, and I felt her sadness.

I sent her a message, admitting how I understood that we’re not really close or anything, but I just wanted to tell her how I admired her courage for sharing her tragedy, and how I hoped and will pray that she would stay strong despite it.

She appreciated my message, and even dismissed my claim that she may not know me and even referred to me as “Kuya Voltaire.”

It didn’t make us best buddies who comment or react on each other’s posts, but that was never the intention.

I just really wanted to reach out to let her know that she’s an inspiration instead of just posting “condolence” on her comment section with a sad face emoji. I wouldn’t even be offended if she didn’t reply, but the subsequent conversation we had was a welcome bonus.

Maybe she needed my message, maybe she didn’t. However, I sympathized with her as a parent, and would probably welcome any words of encouragement if I were in her situation.  

People are often hesitant to read messages from obscure people from their past because they might be selling something or are asking to borrow money.

I dream of a world where my son and those who will come after him could care for each other genuinely, where they could help those who really need it without the fear of being taken advantage of.

I remember a prayer I learned while my uncle was housed in La Salle that said “let me be the change I want to see,” and so I act with the hope that this could be the norm of at least the people around me.

I'm not a La Sallian, but my uncle was housed in their community for quite a while,
and this was one of the prayers that stuck with me

4. Disconnecting

Whenever I have visitors or I go out, I make it a point to put my phone face-down.

It’s led to a lot of arguments with my wife, because she gets worried when I don’t answer for long stretches, since she knows that I’m constantly on my phone when I’m at home.

However, I understand that it diminishes the presence of people around me if I’m more interested looking at my phone than talking to them.

I know, because I feel so small when I can’t even pry my friend’s attention away from his or her phone when we’re together.

How many times have you sat on a table with friends, but no one is talking because everyone’s looking for the perfect filter for their post?

How many dishes went cold because you had to take a hundred shots of your spread before you dug in?

A lot of us live different lives online as opposed to reality.

What social gatherings looks like most of the time these days.

It’s easy to shape a personality online – angles make you look thinner or taller, you can choose from multiple shots so that you can post your perfect pose, and you can always share your smiles and happiness so that people will see that you’re doing ok.

But reality can’t always be fixed by a filter or an angle.

I’m not saying you should post as much “aww, I’m miserable” posts on your page as much as you post “wow look at how much fun I’m having today.”

Rather, I want to encourage making connections by disconnecting.

Engage in real conversations – those with emotions, with unfiltered smiles, and unedited words, and not just sentences that end with emojis.

People actually once lived without social media, so it’s really not a mortal sin if you don’t post every little thing happening in your life.

Some of the best moments and conversations I had with friends are those that end with us going our separate ways and later realizing that we weren’t able to capture the moment with a photo. 

These small changes I made in my life have not eliminated my fear of death completely.

However, with these changes, I feel more fulfilled in how I am leading my life, and somehow lessens my worries about what comes after for the people I will leave behind.  

I'm sharing this for anyone who needs it, but I'm more than willing to learn how you deal with the same fear, if you have it as well. 

...TER's Day Thursday: The Day This Houseband Broke Down...

"They say you don't grow up you just grow old
It's safe to say I haven't done both
I made mistakes, I know, I know...
So many people close to me cut me down
This is supposed to be a bad luck town
I jumped, I fell, I hit the ground
But here I am alive"

- Here I Am Alive, Yellowcard



Back in 2016, I broke down.

From having a decent-paying job that had me dealing with different types of people from business owners to security guards, and my close family and friends within reach at any time I wanted, I was suddenly alone in our room in Singapore.

It was my day off from my job as a cashier in a hawker-cum restaurant serving Filipino dishes.  

Everyone had gone to work, and I was sitting alone, chatting with my cousin and my close friend who were miles away, talking about stuff we might be talking about over drinks if it were a year before.

I didn’t realize that I was lonely.

It took 10 years of being together before I popped the question to Che, because all that while, I thought it was only her who needed to be ready to settle down.  

When we got married, I readily packed my bags, and didn’t look back as I started my new life.

I took the first job that gave me a chance, and I thought everything would be ok.

I was talking to a lot of people again. I had the respect of my co-workers, I was learning some cooking techniques and managing operations, and I was able to earn something for myself.

However, on that day, as I was talking to two of the closest people in my life who wished we were drinking while we were talking, I felt an incredible sadness filling me up.

Later that night, I talked to Che about everything that was going through my head.

Suddenly, tears just started falling.

Before I knew it, Che was feeling my sadness as well.

Back then, I thought mental health and depression were just excuses for unexplainable poor behavior or toxic mood – I wouldn’t take it against them, I’d probably talk them through it, but I guess I didn’t really understand it as a real thing.

I know that my episode of breaking down is not nearly close to what people with depression or poor mental health have on their bad days, but it helped me understand that it can happen to anyone, no matter what you tell yourself to keep you going through the day.

Learning and understanding this state of mind isn’t done by experiencing it once in your life. I think there’s so much more layers to it, and I do want to understand it better because I don’t know who within my circle would fall prey to it.

I wanted to share what helped me get past my experience, and what I learned by talking to a couple of friends who had/have similar experiences.

1. Find your happiness

It’s so easy to say but almost impossible to do.

However, I guess what I learned is that happiness is not something you work towards, but rather something that you discover.

Goals like reaching the top position in your company, owning a car, buying a house, or whatnot are things that you work for, and achieving them will give you momentary bliss, but it’s not happiness.

I believe that happiness could be a passion, a person, or maybe even a place.

In my case, it was Vino, my kid.

My happiness, at one year old.

A little after my episode, we learned that we were pregnant.

I was happy because it was one of my goals, but at the same time, there were uncertainties we had to face; were we ready, will we be able to raise a little human, can we support our lifestyle?

More than three years after we welcomed him to the world, the uncertainties have not completely diminished, but I know that my heart is full with him.

I understood then that what made me feel empty was the fact that I couldn’t let go of the life I had back then. However, once I held Vino in my arms, I knew that I was finally ready to live in the present and just look fondly back at the past.

2. Conquer Your FOMO

One of the rare times the boys were complete.

The Fear Of Missing Out is something that was difficult for me to admit and overcome. It seems juvenile for a 30-something to claim to have, but I guess I had it.

See, I was the guy who you could call on literally any time and I’d be there as fast as traffic would allow. My mom would call me a boarder at home because I rarely stayed in.

I had my circle, and constantly kept that circle growing. It didn’t matter if I met up with one person, two strangers, or a bunch of friends of friends – if there was something happening, I was there.

And suddenly, I was in a different country.

Sure, I have friends here, strangers to meet, friends of friends who would get together, but I needed to start my circles from scratch, when I had my whole life building one back home.

Seeing everybody in my circle through social media go on with the life I enjoyed with them back then made me feel alone, because I was missing out on so much.

From time to time, I still feel envious of my friends who can get together like I used to with them, but understanding my priorities in life helped me get over my FOMO.

I could choose to go back to my comfort zone – activate my circles, find a job back home, and be mobile again. However, my circumstances are different now, and the responsibilities I carry as a husband and a father weigh far greater than what I had then.

3. Live at Your Own Pace

Similar to FOMO, seeing milestones achieved by your peers can force you into thinking that you’re not doing enough in your life.

We learned this early in our relationship.

Che and I have been together for close to 16 years now, and are approaching our fifth year of marriage.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing, and about five or six years into our relationship, our friends were starting their own families.

For every wedding we came to, or every time the topic of marriage came about, she would ask me why we weren’t seriously discussing it yet.

One of Che's closest friend's wedding, which sparked one of the many discussions we had about the topic

Back then, both of us had white collar jobs, but we had pretty crappy spending habits as we fully enjoyed the fruits of our labor. Che also wanted to accomplish a lot of things – three of them were to get a Master’s Degree, teach in the University, and work overseas.

I told her that she would not be able to accomplish any of her goals if we got married “just because” everyone else was tying the knot. I even dared her to find someone who wanted to settle down with if she thinks I’m waiting too long.

It was a risky dare, but it paid off.

She went to Singapore, found a nice job, and improved her financial management skills to a point where she is able to balance responsibilities and indulgence.

She wasn’t able to accomplish all her goals, but she doing damn well with the one she set off doing.

By the time we got married, we did it in our own terms – we got the date we wanted, the place we chose, and spent it with the people we wanted to share it with.

Don’t measure your success by what your peers have accomplished.

Comparing your status with your peers will not get you anywhere if you sulk in envy, make assumptions on how they got there, or just talk about them with other people.

Take inspiration from them, and act on what you can control. You may not get what you want immediately, but at least you started working towards it.

4. Be Confident in Your Own Skin

I’m not the best looking guy.

Heck, Che had a crush on two of my classmates who didn’t even know her but never really admired me for my looks.

However, as a famous Filipino line goes, “daig ng madiskarte ang gwapo.” (A resourceful person beats a handsome face)

I didn’t try to sweep her off her feet by acting like Lee Min Ho or anything, I just genuinely cared for her more than I could care for myself.

Since we got married, I have been either jobless, a cashier for a food stall, or a freelance writer.

According to the social norms we have grown accustomed to, I am not a person that commands respect because I don't have a high enough position in a company or something.

I have had close friends and even relatives who would tell me that they “expected more” from me or that I “wasted” my “potential” by ending up where I am right now.

If I allowed myself to crumble to these expectations and social norms, then I will probably don’t even deserve self-respect.

Instead, I choose to take pride in who I am.

Thankful to be able to meet new people who appreciate me for being who I am

If I can’t be proud of being an average-looking, dark-skinned houseband (house husband) whose only job experience in Singapore is a cashier at a food stall, then who will give me an ounce of respect?

Even if I don’t bring in the big bucks, I carry myself with the confidence of someone who owns a business.

It baffles people who are so used to living in a predictable reality, and somehow gets them to treat me as an equal.

I always believed that at the end of the day, absent all the titles, the fancy clothes, and our looks, we’re all just people, and no one has the right to look down on others under any circumstance.

It’s not outside the realm of possibility that people still look down on me behind my back, but those are things that are outside my circle of influence.

The most important thing to have is belief and respect for yourself – if it resonates to others, then it’s just a bonus, but it should never be the goal.

5. Verbalize Your Feelings

As the title of a hit Korean drama goes, “It’s OK to not be OK.”

As of this writing, we haven't finished watching this yet, but so far, it's been great

We live in constant fear of being judged, which leads us to always pick up a mask to show we’re doing just fine even if we’re scarred beneath it.

During my episode, I realized that I kept so many things inside so that Che and our housemates wouldn’t be worried about me.

Back then, I felt like my issues were so miniscule compared to the stress and problems that they had to face on a daily basis at work. I didn’t want anyone to be burdened by listening to me because I didn’t even know if they could help me.

I felt like a waste of time.

It took a while for me to admit to myself that it was weighing heavily on me, and before I fell hard on my worries, I learned why they called your partner a “significant other.”

There was no other person in the world I would have poured my heart out at that time but to Che, because no matter how insignificant my issues were to the world, we made a promise to God that we would be together for good times or bad, and I had a duty to share my “bad times” with her.

It was only when I was telling her everything that all those uncontrollable tears fell down from both our eyes.

After that, it was easier for me to admit my moment of weakness to other close friends.

While not everyone has a significant other who they can share all their worries to, I believe that everyone has at least that one person who they can trust with certain things.

Even if they take it negatively, verbalizing your feelings for the first time will make it so much easier for you to share it with others, which would help you learn who among your friends genuinely care for you, and who are exclusively for fun and games.

However, everything must start within yourself – never think that you are insignificant, because you matter.

If you don’t think that anybody has time for your worries, you will never have the courage to share your feelings which will eventually eat you up inside.