...Meaningful Connections...

I’ve always been terrified of death.

The uncertainty of what happens after it shakes me to my core. Do we get reincarnated? Do we stay to haunt houses? Do we watch over our loved ones? Do we go to heaven? What happens in hell? Do we become cows or mosquitoes?

How much would this suck?

I never got over this fear, and I probably never would, but the thought of it always made me want to maximize every living day of my life.

When I was single, it meant being everywhere every time – I’d be the guy who would probably show up if you needed a drinking buddy at the shortest of notices. When I moved away, that turned into multiple chat groups on social media to stay in the loop of things happening in my friends’ lives.

I would stay up late and wake up at the earliest possible time my body would allow me to, because I felt that I’d have all the time in the world to sleep when I’m dead.

I could be playing games, staying up late to talk to people, or drinking until there’s no more alcohol left to consume – I probably wouldn’t sleep until my body tells me to.

I’ve lost so many people in my life, and in remembering their lives in their wakes, I always get reminded that material gains mean nothing when you’re gone.

All that people are left with are memories with you, the connections you made with them, and the conversations you left them with.

It made me value how I connected with people. It made it easier for me to filter out those who I didn’t need in my life.

Here’s how I made changes to make more meaningful connections in my life:

1. Accepting What I'm Not

There was a trend that came up recently where people post their achievements with captions like "22 and bought my first car, how about you?"

As a houseband, there are a lot of things that I can't achieve that my peers are working towards. I've  beaten myself up thinking "I should be doing this, I should be earning this much, I should already have that, etc."

Some people around me feel like I could be capable of greater things, or that I am wasting my life away by not living up to the conventional standards of success.

Upon reflection, I realized that I have no reason to live by anyone's standards. 

If I get a high-paying job or run a successful business, will they be satisfied with my achievements? Will it make their lives better knowing that I'm living up to what they think my potential is? Will my life be full knowing that I fulfilled their expectations of me?

And then I realized there was only one question that mattered: does their happiness have to matter more than mine?

We should find our own happiness.

Life shouldn't be a competition. 

We chase different goals, so who should define what a successful life is? If a capable engineering student decides to become a priest, does he fail in life because he can't utilize his talents properly?

We live on different paces, so who's to say that we're lagging behind in terms of milestones? Susan Boyle was 40 when she introduced herself to the world and started her career as a singer. 

I'm happy when my friends achieve their goals, and congratulate them with sincerity instead of jealousy. I've learned to not ask for favors, treats, or freebies for every success of my peers, because they don't owe me anything, and they worked hard to get to where they did. 

Meanwhile, I learned to live with those who are disappointed with how I am living my life - I stopped giving a fuck. 

By accepting my reality, I no longer felt the need to justify my situation to anyone and just swept away any judgmental opinion that came my way. 

It helped me spend less time with people who won't contribute positively in my life, and more time with people who matter to me. 

2. Filtering the Negative

My social media feed is my source of news about the world as well as my connection with my friends from past to present.

I can’t do anything about depressing or disappointing events happening, but friends who are constantly sharing negativity have no place in my feed or my life.

I don’t expect to be surrounded exclusively by people who share the same views that I do - I actually appreciate people who have a different perspective than mine, as they educate me.

However, if after a while, this friend continues to share nothing but his or her anger for the world, I either mute or unfriend them.

On top of my head, I can’t think of particular posts that they did, but I know that I’ve disconnected from people who I think are unreasonable when they argue, take fake news sites as bible truth, post 20 different versions of the same selfie, constantly flex things they clearly can’t afford, and are literal keyboard warriors, among others.

Your selfies aren't the problem - it's the effect on me that's negative.

I’d probably still talk to them when we bump into each other, but I most definitely won’t be spending too much time on that conversation.

In the finite time that I have in this world, I don’t want to spend a bulk of it stressing about negativity either by their posts or the effect their posts have on me.

3. Reaching Out

I usually comment on a friend’s post when it’s funny or relatable, but when it’s about something serious, I tend to reach out through a direct message.

Once, a college acquaintance posted about losing her unborn child.

I don’t remember us talking back in college, but as part of the student council back then, I made myself known to a lot of people so I probably added her on Facebook as she was one of the more recognizable faces of her major.

She left her heart out in her post, and I felt her sadness.

I sent her a message, admitting how I understood that we’re not really close or anything, but I just wanted to tell her how I admired her courage for sharing her tragedy, and how I hoped and will pray that she would stay strong despite it.

She appreciated my message, and even dismissed my claim that she may not know me and even referred to me as “Kuya Voltaire.”

It didn’t make us best buddies who comment or react on each other’s posts, but that was never the intention.

I just really wanted to reach out to let her know that she’s an inspiration instead of just posting “condolence” on her comment section with a sad face emoji. I wouldn’t even be offended if she didn’t reply, but the subsequent conversation we had was a welcome bonus.

Maybe she needed my message, maybe she didn’t. However, I sympathized with her as a parent, and would probably welcome any words of encouragement if I were in her situation.  

People are often hesitant to read messages from obscure people from their past because they might be selling something or are asking to borrow money.

I dream of a world where my son and those who will come after him could care for each other genuinely, where they could help those who really need it without the fear of being taken advantage of.

I remember a prayer I learned while my uncle was housed in La Salle that said “let me be the change I want to see,” and so I act with the hope that this could be the norm of at least the people around me.

I'm not a La Sallian, but my uncle was housed in their community for quite a while,
and this was one of the prayers that stuck with me

4. Disconnecting

Whenever I have visitors or I go out, I make it a point to put my phone face-down.

It’s led to a lot of arguments with my wife, because she gets worried when I don’t answer for long stretches, since she knows that I’m constantly on my phone when I’m at home.

However, I understand that it diminishes the presence of people around me if I’m more interested looking at my phone than talking to them.

I know, because I feel so small when I can’t even pry my friend’s attention away from his or her phone when we’re together.

How many times have you sat on a table with friends, but no one is talking because everyone’s looking for the perfect filter for their post?

How many dishes went cold because you had to take a hundred shots of your spread before you dug in?

A lot of us live different lives online as opposed to reality.

What social gatherings looks like most of the time these days.

It’s easy to shape a personality online – angles make you look thinner or taller, you can choose from multiple shots so that you can post your perfect pose, and you can always share your smiles and happiness so that people will see that you’re doing ok.

But reality can’t always be fixed by a filter or an angle.

I’m not saying you should post as much “aww, I’m miserable” posts on your page as much as you post “wow look at how much fun I’m having today.”

Rather, I want to encourage making connections by disconnecting.

Engage in real conversations – those with emotions, with unfiltered smiles, and unedited words, and not just sentences that end with emojis.

People actually once lived without social media, so it’s really not a mortal sin if you don’t post every little thing happening in your life.

Some of the best moments and conversations I had with friends are those that end with us going our separate ways and later realizing that we weren’t able to capture the moment with a photo. 

These small changes I made in my life have not eliminated my fear of death completely.

However, with these changes, I feel more fulfilled in how I am leading my life, and somehow lessens my worries about what comes after for the people I will leave behind.  

I'm sharing this for anyone who needs it, but I'm more than willing to learn how you deal with the same fear, if you have it as well. 

...Houseband Chronicles vol. 2: Realizations From Real Conversations...

At this day and age, I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or an extrovert.

I enjoy the company of people. I like to meet new friends, I like to stay connected with old ones, and you can easily leave me alone in a room full of strangers and I'd leave with a crew at the end of the day. 

However, I also love to keep to myself. I can spend an entire day walking around the city with my earphones plugged in, listening to music or podcasts and not care about anyone else. I hate calling on the phone to set up appointments or place orders.

Given these facts, life as a houseband has been pretty neutral for me. I don't have to deal with a lot of people, which is a plus for my introvert side, but the extrovert me is bored to his wits. 

My phone, then, has become an essential tool for me to stay connected with others. Unfortunately, it is also a main source of distraction.

Cellphones have become such a norm now that not having one seems like a foreign concept.
(image source: https://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/m/modern_society.asp)

I've been to gatherings with friends where five people are staring at their phones on the same table. I've been to dinners where the hungry couldn't eat because the perfect photo hasn't been snapped. The most physical interaction people have sometimes is when they share the phone watching a single video. 

I'm guilty of it too. The introvert in me enjoys the extrovert things because the phone becomes my avatar to interact with others.

That said, when I get a chance to meet with people, I try to make it a point to detach myself from my phone in order to have amazing conversations. 

Here are some of the things that I realized from my recent interactions with friends and family:

The Social Media Connection

Didn't see each other at all through college and years after that, and I still became a client.

In July, I had a high school friend do our baby's birthday cake.

I met Rachelle when our class met theirs in an official school event where an all-boys school has some kind of soiree with an all-girls school. We didn't really hang out, but our class was pretty tight, so my friends' friends are also somehow my friends.

Naturally, we didn't catch up on a regular, but because of social media, I was able to at least know that she makes cakes. 

When I picked up the cake, I realized it was the first time I actually called her on the phone. 

Our brief interaction made me look back at my adolescent life. Back then, life seemed complicated when I was living it. There were too many rules, not enough money to spend, and there was a constant fear of taking examinations in school. I couldn't wait to get older.

After a bit of catching up with her, I realized that there wasn't much to talk about because the issues that bothered us back then were so trivial that we didn't even need to ask about any of it. We could only be amazed that we were still able to reconnect after so many years.

It's one of the wonders that social media does for people - the slightest connection you have with one can lead to a different relationship over time.

The Dad Life

Drink when it's cheap, eat where it's cheap later.

Moshe and I have been friends by association since college. We were dating our significant others then, and they were in the same class.

Years later, we're both married to them, we've been housemates, and we're practically family. While we don't usually drink out, there was a promo where we could drink out and not feel too guilty about it since it's not "Crazy Rich Asian" expensive - a norm here when you drink at bars compared to how much you spend in a bar back in the Philippines.

We live completely different lives. I'm a houseband, while he's the classic father-provider in their family. We don't have much in common, but we do have a passion for basketball and our families, which apparently was enough to last us an entire afternoon of conversations.

We face different challenges, but the beauty of an actual conversation is that you get to understand the other person better. Sharing challenges to each other isn't about who has it worse or better, but rather an opportunity to be with someone who can offer a fresh perspective or empathize with you.

Sharing and alcohol won't solve these problems, but having company while drinking means you get to talk about so much more than just the bad stuff.

Dads Are Still Bros

Mandatory "reporting" pic to send to the wife, a staple in every bro hangout.

In mid September, Nino visited Singapore alone after something came up that didn't allow Tring and baby Oona to join him.

Tring is a good friend of mine that I met in my early college days, while I met Nino a couple of years after we graduated when Tring introduced him as her boyfriend. Being the chummy guy that I am, I didn't want him to feel left out in the new group of people he met, so I talked to him a lot that night.

We eventually ended up being really good friends, to the point where I was hanging out with him more than I would with Tring.

Like Moshe, he's also working to provide for the family.

Instead of a beer session though, we spent the whole afternoon in a semi-tour; walked under the rain in Orchard, ate Chicken Curry, walked in IKEA and popped a bottle of whisky while playing NBA2K til midnight.

In a typical night/day out back then, we'd probably be playing basketball in the afternoon and having drinks later on, or maybe playing NBA2K while drinking, or simply just drinking.

Things dramatically change when we're older and have adult responsibilities.

While it was unfortunate that his family couldn't join him, it was a good reminder that underneath all our dadbod fats, we're still the bros we were back then.

Bridging the Gap

Beers on fancy cups, but there was nothing fancy with the stuff we talked about.

My dad has 12 other siblings in their family.

It shouldn't be a surprise that there are more than 40 of us who are cousins in just this side of the family.

We naturally grouped ourselves through our ages, and it has stuck for the most part.

When Moses, one of the younger ones, visited Singapore on official business, he spared some time to meet with me to catch up.

For years, we've had a hunch of his gender identity, but we never actually confronted him about it. Over the past couple of years, he has been more open to the family about it, and is now one of my most fabulous cousins.

He cooks, he bakes, and he manages his dad's schedule, among other important things in their company.

10 years ago, I never would have imagined myself sitting across a table from him, sharing a beer and stories I wouldn't have asked him.

Growing up, there's a certain generation gap even if it's just a difference of four or five years. However, at some point, we all become adults, and would have to deal with the same adult issues. Age really does become just a number.

Live In The Now

This guy is the shining example of why I can't see alcohol as something to drown out problems,
because it's always fun drinking with him

My cousin Richard has been in Singapore for the longest time, and was instrumental in helping my sister stay in the country while she was still finding a job.

However, since they're living on the other side of the island, we rarely get a chance to meet in my three years of staying here.

One night after we came back to Singapore after Vino's birthday, I asked to meet Richard some time soon so that I could share some Bicol Express I brought from home. Over the course of our conversation, we ended up deciding to meet later that day.

Two bottles became three towers of beer, but we barely noticed it because we were so busy catching up with so many things that we ended up staying way past our curfews.

We talked so much about life, the future, and opportunities, and I learned a lot. And to think that meeting wouldn't have happened if we planned it ahead of time.

Too many times, "something came up" and other random events keep happening that we miss out on catching up with people we want to meet. As we both learned that night, there was no better time than "now" to make things happen.

Keeping It Together

A night out is usually never complete without this litter bugger.

Inspired by the great conversations I had, I took out my wife one Sunday night.

Without much interactions or anything significant happening in my life at home, I don't have much to share to her on a regular basis. On her side, work has kept her busy that even at home, there may be times that she's still working. At times, instead of sharing her frustrations, she would rather get some rest.

I never held it against her, because I did grow up with both my parents working. While they weren't as readily available as other parents, it didn't make me love them less, because I knew that they were away so that they could provide food on the table. Similarly, my wife works to provide for the family, so I give her all the space she needs and just stayed ready when she needs me.

After meaningful moments with friends and family, I thought it was time to do the same with her on a stress-free night.

With our baby tired for the day, we had him tucked to sleep while we slipped out for a quick dinner for two. It was a random date, but it seemed one we needed to have.

We're going into year three of our marriage, but it will actually be 14 years of being together. Being comfortable with each other for this long makes it easy to forget how important these dates and conversations are in making our relationship last.

Never take these simple things for granted, because you'll never know if there are small issues that are piling up.