...NBA Finals Preview: The Uncrowned Kings Against the Spoilers...

The Miami Heat are back in the NBA Finals for the first time since the Big Three era of Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James.

I've followed the team since Wade's rookie playoff run (didn't really watch much regular season games then), but I'm not going to say I saw this coming or that I am an "OG fan" of the Heat. 

Still, I do believe I have followed them enough to make a case for them to actually have a chance against the mighty Los Angeles Lakers, who are incidentally being led by the same guy who carried Miami in its last trip here. 

Let me offer my thoughts on the upcoming Finals: 

The Lakers Looked Destined to a Crown

Every Laker fan would tell people that they are defying odds by being in the Finals because people "counted them out" in favor of the Clippers.

Truth be told, the Lakers were a title favorite at the start of the season, especially after the Anthony Davis acquisition. I'm not buying that "underdog" mentality.  

They are top-heavy with LeBron and AD, but their supporting cast is so underrated that some analysts believed that they were inferior to the Clippers in terms of talent. 

Danny Green's shot has been on and off, no one can still figure out what Kentavious Caldwell-Pope really is, Kyle Kuzma's a suspect third option scorer, JaVale McGee is, well, JaVale McGee, and for all his brilliance, Alex Caruso does still flash some immaturity in his game. 

However, the bubble experience and their run to the Finals have reminded us of two key players that happen to be in their roster: Rajon Rondo and Dwight Howard.

Who would have thought these two would be key players today?

Both were instrumental in dispatching a resilient Denver Nuggets squad and exposed the youth and inexperience of the young team. 

People always had the idea that Playoff Rondo is a thing, but man, did anyone see Playoff Dwight coming?  

After winning the West through only 15 games, it seems that the Kobe tribute title is well on its way. 

The Heat Don't Care About Narratives

Before the start of the playoffs, Rachel Nichols asked Jimmy Butler just how far does he think Miami can go. 

(Jump to 1:32 mark for the clip)

Jimmy: We can win this.
Rachel: You know you're not favored to, right?
Jimmy: I don't give a... I don't care. Speaking for myself, I don't care what anybody says. 

The Heat knocked off the top seeded Milwaukee Bucks in five games, snapping what could have been a historic season for MVP and DPoY Giannis Antetokounmpo.

In the Conference Finals, they upset a healthy Boston Celtics in six games despite trailing in five of those games heading into the fourth quarter.

They looked like a team that was good enough to make the playoffs, but certainly not in the same breath as the Celtics, the Bucks, the Sixers, or even the Raptors. 

And yet, here they are.

If there's any team that has the balls to go off-script and change the expected outcome of anything, it's got to be this Jimmy Butler-led Miami Heat team. 

The Coaching Edge

The true coaching matchup of the series

Many believed that Erik Spoelstra was merely a placeholder for the superteam of Miami until Pat Riley ultimately decided to take the reins again, much like what he did to Stan Van Gundy back in their maiden championship run. 

However, Spo has since become one of the longest-tenured coaches in the NBA - next only to Gregg Popovich and a month longer than Rick Carlisle - because he has proven that he's not just a superstar coach.

The Heat's current run is another testament to Spo's abilities. 

With no superstars at the level of his former Big Three, the Heat conquered the East with innovative defensive schemes against two title favorites in Milwaukee and Boston - both of which arguably had better talent across the board. 

Meanwhile, the Lakers are being carried by the brilliance of LeBron and AD, and Jason Kidd clearly being a huge influence on Rajon Rondo's shooting mechanics.

Their coach is relegated to leading the "Mamba on three" pre-game hype and the "that's Mamba right there" on winning plays. 

I don't think Frank Vogel is a bad coach, but I don't think he's at the level of Spo in terms of skill and leadership. 

While the East Finals looked like a battle of adjustments between coaches, this Finals matchup will look more like a battle of Spo's coaching brilliance and LeBron's on-court mastery.

Small Ball and AD

Lakers' unfair advantage

As effective as Howard and McGee were in limited minutes against Denver, they were rendered unplayable in the Houston series. 

Not Anthony Davis. 

At nearly seven feet tall, Davis can run with guards, has impeccable timing on the defensive end, and has a decent jumper that can stretch the floor. 

He's a unicorn that thrives against tall trees of the past and the small ball era of today.

Against the Heat, the Lakers are going to go against a team that has some of the good components of the teams that they have already faced.

Bam Adebayo may not have the size and range of Nikola Jokic, but his playmaking abilities could be at par with the Joker, and he's definitely an athletic freak that poses a defensive presence that you get if Robert Covington and PJ Tucker were combined. 

Jimmy Butler may not have the range of Damian Lillard or James Harden, but he has a clutch gene that rivals Dame Time and can create shots for himself and for others.

Tyler Herro has elevated his game throughout this Bubble, and has proven that he could wax hot from inside and outside with a very imaginative arsenal reminiscent of Jamaal Murray. 

The Heat can play small to relegate Howard and McGee back to the bench, but they have the personnel to make Lakers bigs work if the situation calls for it. 

X-Factors 

The Heat use danced their version of the zone extensively against the Celtics because Boston stubbornly stuck to their game instead of breaking the zone. 

The most success that the Celtics had were when Jason Tatum and Jaylen Brown were attacking the basket and Marcus Smart was hitting timely shots on the kickout. 

Apart from the expected production of LeBron and AD, the Lakers could make Miami change up the zone if Kuzma and Caruso can create their own shots either by driving the ball or finding the open spots in the corner much like the Boston duo did, and if Rondo can consistently bury his outside shots. 

KCP and Danny Green will always be threats, but they've been too erratic in these playoffs to trust in big moments. However, they can make an impact on the defensive end especially against Herro and Duncan Robinson.

More than anyone though, Kuzma is the guy that needs to elevate his game if the Lakers want to assert their dominance in this series.

The guy the Lakers need, not the blonde dude who showed up at the start of the season

Meanwhile, the most success teams had in defending LeBron and AD in the paint were through secondary defenders. 

The Heat can replicate this by re-introducing of one of the key players in the Miami rotation throughout the season - Meyers Leonard. 

The forgotten one

Leonard was the starting center of the Heat before being re-assigned as the top cheerleader on the bench through these playoffs. 

The seven-footer can take a few minutes away from Jae Crowder or Andre Iguodala to become the primary defender against Davis so that Adebayo can be the designated secondary defender where he can be at his most dangerous, and can stay away from foul trouble. 

The Matchups

Bottom Line

The easy answer is for the Lakers to take this in five games. 

They have the talent, the experience, the confidence, and even the feel-good story to make this a special run at a championship.

In any normal circumstance, the Lakers are going to win this. 

However, we're in the bubble - nothing is normal.

Which is why I'm going to go with the Heat in seven.

The great equalizer - The Bubble

There's no homecourt advantage for the top team, which makes this a level playing field in terms of crowd energy - something that worked to the advantage of the Denver Nuggets in coming back from two 3-1 deficits. 

The added pressure of the crowd could rattle the young guns of the Heat, but in the bubble, they can focus on basketball. 

In a battle of attrition, the Heat have a better chance of outlasting the aging, veteran crew of the Lakers in a game or a long series.

...Strangers and Parenting...

When I was a kid, some random guy passed by our house and for some reason, he convinced me to take him for a ride on our pedicab.

We legit had a pedicab like this, minus the cover, but same design.

Even as he was directing where we were supposed to go, I knew my way around our village since I constantly went around it on my bike.

We reached a small shanty, similar to a makeshift barracks for construction workers, in one of the more secluded parts of our village at the time.

Dude went inside, I got bored outside, and decided to just leave. From a distance, I think I heard him screaming for me to go back, but I decided I didn't want to.

I didn't think much of it, but looking back, I guess I was almost kidnapped.

It's exactly why we are told as kids to never talk to strangers.

However, as I grew older, strangers have been essential parts of my life.

When I was in sales, most of my clients were strangers who I introduced myself to. When I first came to Singapore, I didn't have anyone to play basketball with until I played with strangers.

I understand the dangers of talking to strangers, and as a dad, I dread the idea of losing my kid to some shady person we don't even know.

However, I don't really know how to show him the dangers of talking to strangers just yet.

Living in Singapore, Vino looks a lot like locals, only with bigger, almond eyes that the locals are so amazed with.

Even as a baby, he would get a lot of attention from strangers, mostly older folks. He was given treats, small toys, and even fruit freebies when he went with me to the market.

It's become a habit of mine to be playful around kids I don't know, so when someone does the same for Vino, I ask him to say "hi" at least.

Does it make me a bad parent if I can't practice what I preach?

Good and Bad

I learned back in college that there's a Chinese school of thought that believed that man, by nature, is evil, and that goodness is learned.

George Orwell's novel, Animal Farm, also shows that when society breaks down, even the most innocent will be driven to commit what we know to be evil acts. 

First or second year of high school forced me to read this,
and years after I read it, I guess I realized it's a really good book.

In both cases, they don't discount man's ability to be good, it's just that it must be aided, as it is not natural.

Teaching what's good or bad/evil is one of the most fascinating things I'm learning as a parent, as it makes me question my own moral compass. 

Whenever I say "that's bad" to my kid, I catch myself thinking "is it really bad, or is it only bad because it is contrary to what society dictates?" 

Talking to strangers is bad, but we are in constant communication with strangers: the waiter at the restaurant, the cashier at the grocery, our cab driver, the policeman - these are all strangers who aren't necessarily bad.

If talking to strangers is not bad, then it must be good, so why is it dangerous?

Should I tell my kid to stop trusting people because they might be dangerous? 

Is trusting people bad?

These are questions I always have to be prepared for, especially with the growing curiosity of my kid.

I don't know the right answers to it, or if there are absolute right answers to it. 

I do believe that absolute selfishness leads to evil. It's probably what motivates perverts to rape, for scammers to steal, and for bullies to get what they want.

I can't control the type of people my kid will encounter in the future, but I aim to to shape him to be a stranger that's not dangerous, and hope that he attracts the same kind of people in his circle when he grows up.

Discerning and Judgement  

Back in high school, I had a schoolmate would ask for Php 5.00 during lunch time. Didn't know him, but he's a student, and he did look like he hasn't eaten yet. 

I gave him the money, since it's small change. Next day, I found him doing the same thing to at least two other people. 

A friend told me that it's a scam that a bunch of them are doing to buy stuff without spending their own money.

The night before Vino was born, Che and I were sitting inside a restaurant next to a table with two older ladies. 

They talked to us for a bit, asking when Che's baby was due and some random small talk about our  pregnancy. 

Chatty me humored them, but there was a point when both Che and I felt like they were already disrupting our dinner.

When they stood up, they stopped by our table and gave us a colorful rosary, telling us that everything will be alright. 

This multi-colored rosary was a pleasant surprise for both of us.

We are told to never judge a book by its cover, and these two occasions showed that there can be positives and negatives when you do that.

I was scammed with small change, but if the dude was really hungry, I doubt if he would be able to eat with the Php 5.00 I gave him.

The old ladies shared words of encouragement that we so badly needed that night, which we may never would have gotten if we chose to ignore them. 

You take the good and learn from the bad, but I was brought up to believe that what defines you as a person is how you choose to act, and not what others do to you.  

Trusting Experience

I take pride in being an easy person to connect with.

I have diverse interests and a natural curiosity about things I don't know, which helps me find a topic of conversation with someone I just met. 

With this attitude, my circle grew bigger, and by learning from and about them, I was able to make different circles for people I wanted to keep, and push away those that I didn't need.

I believe I became a better judge of character because of all those interactions, which allowed me to know who to approach or stay away from - something I want Vino to discern by himself when he grows older. 

Like any other kid, Vino is growing up to be very curious as well, and he loves telling stories. They're a bit incoherent right now, but he's trying to piece together some words to try and communicate it to us. 

He has a genuine fascination for discovering things, which I don't want him to lose. 

Vino loves to teach what he knows as well. 

Right now, he's not as confident when meeting new people, but as time goes by, he gets more comfortable with them.

I want him to live in a safe environment, a world where strangers are supposed to be able to help you, not harm you. 

However, I understand that this utopian dream is easier to imagine than make a reality, and what made me the person I am now was forged stronger by learning from the mistakes I had along the way.

I want help Vino to grow up to be one of the good people one would encounter, but I know that there's no better teacher than experience. 

I guess I should learn to trust that these strangers in the world will help shape a good man out of this small boy. 

...Meaningful Connections...

I’ve always been terrified of death.

The uncertainty of what happens after it shakes me to my core. Do we get reincarnated? Do we stay to haunt houses? Do we watch over our loved ones? Do we go to heaven? What happens in hell? Do we become cows or mosquitoes?

How much would this suck?

I never got over this fear, and I probably never would, but the thought of it always made me want to maximize every living day of my life.

When I was single, it meant being everywhere every time – I’d be the guy who would probably show up if you needed a drinking buddy at the shortest of notices. When I moved away, that turned into multiple chat groups on social media to stay in the loop of things happening in my friends’ lives.

I would stay up late and wake up at the earliest possible time my body would allow me to, because I felt that I’d have all the time in the world to sleep when I’m dead.

I could be playing games, staying up late to talk to people, or drinking until there’s no more alcohol left to consume – I probably wouldn’t sleep until my body tells me to.

I’ve lost so many people in my life, and in remembering their lives in their wakes, I always get reminded that material gains mean nothing when you’re gone.

All that people are left with are memories with you, the connections you made with them, and the conversations you left them with.

It made me value how I connected with people. It made it easier for me to filter out those who I didn’t need in my life.

Here’s how I made changes to make more meaningful connections in my life:

1. Accepting What I'm Not

There was a trend that came up recently where people post their achievements with captions like "22 and bought my first car, how about you?"

As a houseband, there are a lot of things that I can't achieve that my peers are working towards. I've  beaten myself up thinking "I should be doing this, I should be earning this much, I should already have that, etc."

Some people around me feel like I could be capable of greater things, or that I am wasting my life away by not living up to the conventional standards of success.

Upon reflection, I realized that I have no reason to live by anyone's standards. 

If I get a high-paying job or run a successful business, will they be satisfied with my achievements? Will it make their lives better knowing that I'm living up to what they think my potential is? Will my life be full knowing that I fulfilled their expectations of me?

And then I realized there was only one question that mattered: does their happiness have to matter more than mine?

We should find our own happiness.

Life shouldn't be a competition. 

We chase different goals, so who should define what a successful life is? If a capable engineering student decides to become a priest, does he fail in life because he can't utilize his talents properly?

We live on different paces, so who's to say that we're lagging behind in terms of milestones? Susan Boyle was 40 when she introduced herself to the world and started her career as a singer. 

I'm happy when my friends achieve their goals, and congratulate them with sincerity instead of jealousy. I've learned to not ask for favors, treats, or freebies for every success of my peers, because they don't owe me anything, and they worked hard to get to where they did. 

Meanwhile, I learned to live with those who are disappointed with how I am living my life - I stopped giving a fuck. 

By accepting my reality, I no longer felt the need to justify my situation to anyone and just swept away any judgmental opinion that came my way. 

It helped me spend less time with people who won't contribute positively in my life, and more time with people who matter to me. 

2. Filtering the Negative

My social media feed is my source of news about the world as well as my connection with my friends from past to present.

I can’t do anything about depressing or disappointing events happening, but friends who are constantly sharing negativity have no place in my feed or my life.

I don’t expect to be surrounded exclusively by people who share the same views that I do - I actually appreciate people who have a different perspective than mine, as they educate me.

However, if after a while, this friend continues to share nothing but his or her anger for the world, I either mute or unfriend them.

On top of my head, I can’t think of particular posts that they did, but I know that I’ve disconnected from people who I think are unreasonable when they argue, take fake news sites as bible truth, post 20 different versions of the same selfie, constantly flex things they clearly can’t afford, and are literal keyboard warriors, among others.

Your selfies aren't the problem - it's the effect on me that's negative.

I’d probably still talk to them when we bump into each other, but I most definitely won’t be spending too much time on that conversation.

In the finite time that I have in this world, I don’t want to spend a bulk of it stressing about negativity either by their posts or the effect their posts have on me.

3. Reaching Out

I usually comment on a friend’s post when it’s funny or relatable, but when it’s about something serious, I tend to reach out through a direct message.

Once, a college acquaintance posted about losing her unborn child.

I don’t remember us talking back in college, but as part of the student council back then, I made myself known to a lot of people so I probably added her on Facebook as she was one of the more recognizable faces of her major.

She left her heart out in her post, and I felt her sadness.

I sent her a message, admitting how I understood that we’re not really close or anything, but I just wanted to tell her how I admired her courage for sharing her tragedy, and how I hoped and will pray that she would stay strong despite it.

She appreciated my message, and even dismissed my claim that she may not know me and even referred to me as “Kuya Voltaire.”

It didn’t make us best buddies who comment or react on each other’s posts, but that was never the intention.

I just really wanted to reach out to let her know that she’s an inspiration instead of just posting “condolence” on her comment section with a sad face emoji. I wouldn’t even be offended if she didn’t reply, but the subsequent conversation we had was a welcome bonus.

Maybe she needed my message, maybe she didn’t. However, I sympathized with her as a parent, and would probably welcome any words of encouragement if I were in her situation.  

People are often hesitant to read messages from obscure people from their past because they might be selling something or are asking to borrow money.

I dream of a world where my son and those who will come after him could care for each other genuinely, where they could help those who really need it without the fear of being taken advantage of.

I remember a prayer I learned while my uncle was housed in La Salle that said “let me be the change I want to see,” and so I act with the hope that this could be the norm of at least the people around me.

I'm not a La Sallian, but my uncle was housed in their community for quite a while,
and this was one of the prayers that stuck with me

4. Disconnecting

Whenever I have visitors or I go out, I make it a point to put my phone face-down.

It’s led to a lot of arguments with my wife, because she gets worried when I don’t answer for long stretches, since she knows that I’m constantly on my phone when I’m at home.

However, I understand that it diminishes the presence of people around me if I’m more interested looking at my phone than talking to them.

I know, because I feel so small when I can’t even pry my friend’s attention away from his or her phone when we’re together.

How many times have you sat on a table with friends, but no one is talking because everyone’s looking for the perfect filter for their post?

How many dishes went cold because you had to take a hundred shots of your spread before you dug in?

A lot of us live different lives online as opposed to reality.

What social gatherings looks like most of the time these days.

It’s easy to shape a personality online – angles make you look thinner or taller, you can choose from multiple shots so that you can post your perfect pose, and you can always share your smiles and happiness so that people will see that you’re doing ok.

But reality can’t always be fixed by a filter or an angle.

I’m not saying you should post as much “aww, I’m miserable” posts on your page as much as you post “wow look at how much fun I’m having today.”

Rather, I want to encourage making connections by disconnecting.

Engage in real conversations – those with emotions, with unfiltered smiles, and unedited words, and not just sentences that end with emojis.

People actually once lived without social media, so it’s really not a mortal sin if you don’t post every little thing happening in your life.

Some of the best moments and conversations I had with friends are those that end with us going our separate ways and later realizing that we weren’t able to capture the moment with a photo. 

These small changes I made in my life have not eliminated my fear of death completely.

However, with these changes, I feel more fulfilled in how I am leading my life, and somehow lessens my worries about what comes after for the people I will leave behind.  

I'm sharing this for anyone who needs it, but I'm more than willing to learn how you deal with the same fear, if you have it as well. 

...TER's Day Thursday: The Day This Houseband Broke Down...

"They say you don't grow up you just grow old
It's safe to say I haven't done both
I made mistakes, I know, I know...
So many people close to me cut me down
This is supposed to be a bad luck town
I jumped, I fell, I hit the ground
But here I am alive"

- Here I Am Alive, Yellowcard



Back in 2016, I broke down.

From having a decent-paying job that had me dealing with different types of people from business owners to security guards, and my close family and friends within reach at any time I wanted, I was suddenly alone in our room in Singapore.

It was my day off from my job as a cashier in a hawker-cum restaurant serving Filipino dishes.  

Everyone had gone to work, and I was sitting alone, chatting with my cousin and my close friend who were miles away, talking about stuff we might be talking about over drinks if it were a year before.

I didn’t realize that I was lonely.

It took 10 years of being together before I popped the question to Che, because all that while, I thought it was only her who needed to be ready to settle down.  

When we got married, I readily packed my bags, and didn’t look back as I started my new life.

I took the first job that gave me a chance, and I thought everything would be ok.

I was talking to a lot of people again. I had the respect of my co-workers, I was learning some cooking techniques and managing operations, and I was able to earn something for myself.

However, on that day, as I was talking to two of the closest people in my life who wished we were drinking while we were talking, I felt an incredible sadness filling me up.

Later that night, I talked to Che about everything that was going through my head.

Suddenly, tears just started falling.

Before I knew it, Che was feeling my sadness as well.

Back then, I thought mental health and depression were just excuses for unexplainable poor behavior or toxic mood – I wouldn’t take it against them, I’d probably talk them through it, but I guess I didn’t really understand it as a real thing.

I know that my episode of breaking down is not nearly close to what people with depression or poor mental health have on their bad days, but it helped me understand that it can happen to anyone, no matter what you tell yourself to keep you going through the day.

Learning and understanding this state of mind isn’t done by experiencing it once in your life. I think there’s so much more layers to it, and I do want to understand it better because I don’t know who within my circle would fall prey to it.

I wanted to share what helped me get past my experience, and what I learned by talking to a couple of friends who had/have similar experiences.

1. Find your happiness

It’s so easy to say but almost impossible to do.

However, I guess what I learned is that happiness is not something you work towards, but rather something that you discover.

Goals like reaching the top position in your company, owning a car, buying a house, or whatnot are things that you work for, and achieving them will give you momentary bliss, but it’s not happiness.

I believe that happiness could be a passion, a person, or maybe even a place.

In my case, it was Vino, my kid.

My happiness, at one year old.

A little after my episode, we learned that we were pregnant.

I was happy because it was one of my goals, but at the same time, there were uncertainties we had to face; were we ready, will we be able to raise a little human, can we support our lifestyle?

More than three years after we welcomed him to the world, the uncertainties have not completely diminished, but I know that my heart is full with him.

I understood then that what made me feel empty was the fact that I couldn’t let go of the life I had back then. However, once I held Vino in my arms, I knew that I was finally ready to live in the present and just look fondly back at the past.

2. Conquer Your FOMO

One of the rare times the boys were complete.

The Fear Of Missing Out is something that was difficult for me to admit and overcome. It seems juvenile for a 30-something to claim to have, but I guess I had it.

See, I was the guy who you could call on literally any time and I’d be there as fast as traffic would allow. My mom would call me a boarder at home because I rarely stayed in.

I had my circle, and constantly kept that circle growing. It didn’t matter if I met up with one person, two strangers, or a bunch of friends of friends – if there was something happening, I was there.

And suddenly, I was in a different country.

Sure, I have friends here, strangers to meet, friends of friends who would get together, but I needed to start my circles from scratch, when I had my whole life building one back home.

Seeing everybody in my circle through social media go on with the life I enjoyed with them back then made me feel alone, because I was missing out on so much.

From time to time, I still feel envious of my friends who can get together like I used to with them, but understanding my priorities in life helped me get over my FOMO.

I could choose to go back to my comfort zone – activate my circles, find a job back home, and be mobile again. However, my circumstances are different now, and the responsibilities I carry as a husband and a father weigh far greater than what I had then.

3. Live at Your Own Pace

Similar to FOMO, seeing milestones achieved by your peers can force you into thinking that you’re not doing enough in your life.

We learned this early in our relationship.

Che and I have been together for close to 16 years now, and are approaching our fifth year of marriage.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing, and about five or six years into our relationship, our friends were starting their own families.

For every wedding we came to, or every time the topic of marriage came about, she would ask me why we weren’t seriously discussing it yet.

One of Che's closest friend's wedding, which sparked one of the many discussions we had about the topic

Back then, both of us had white collar jobs, but we had pretty crappy spending habits as we fully enjoyed the fruits of our labor. Che also wanted to accomplish a lot of things – three of them were to get a Master’s Degree, teach in the University, and work overseas.

I told her that she would not be able to accomplish any of her goals if we got married “just because” everyone else was tying the knot. I even dared her to find someone who wanted to settle down with if she thinks I’m waiting too long.

It was a risky dare, but it paid off.

She went to Singapore, found a nice job, and improved her financial management skills to a point where she is able to balance responsibilities and indulgence.

She wasn’t able to accomplish all her goals, but she doing damn well with the one she set off doing.

By the time we got married, we did it in our own terms – we got the date we wanted, the place we chose, and spent it with the people we wanted to share it with.

Don’t measure your success by what your peers have accomplished.

Comparing your status with your peers will not get you anywhere if you sulk in envy, make assumptions on how they got there, or just talk about them with other people.

Take inspiration from them, and act on what you can control. You may not get what you want immediately, but at least you started working towards it.

4. Be Confident in Your Own Skin

I’m not the best looking guy.

Heck, Che had a crush on two of my classmates who didn’t even know her but never really admired me for my looks.

However, as a famous Filipino line goes, “daig ng madiskarte ang gwapo.” (A resourceful person beats a handsome face)

I didn’t try to sweep her off her feet by acting like Lee Min Ho or anything, I just genuinely cared for her more than I could care for myself.

Since we got married, I have been either jobless, a cashier for a food stall, or a freelance writer.

According to the social norms we have grown accustomed to, I am not a person that commands respect because I don't have a high enough position in a company or something.

I have had close friends and even relatives who would tell me that they “expected more” from me or that I “wasted” my “potential” by ending up where I am right now.

If I allowed myself to crumble to these expectations and social norms, then I will probably don’t even deserve self-respect.

Instead, I choose to take pride in who I am.

Thankful to be able to meet new people who appreciate me for being who I am

If I can’t be proud of being an average-looking, dark-skinned houseband (house husband) whose only job experience in Singapore is a cashier at a food stall, then who will give me an ounce of respect?

Even if I don’t bring in the big bucks, I carry myself with the confidence of someone who owns a business.

It baffles people who are so used to living in a predictable reality, and somehow gets them to treat me as an equal.

I always believed that at the end of the day, absent all the titles, the fancy clothes, and our looks, we’re all just people, and no one has the right to look down on others under any circumstance.

It’s not outside the realm of possibility that people still look down on me behind my back, but those are things that are outside my circle of influence.

The most important thing to have is belief and respect for yourself – if it resonates to others, then it’s just a bonus, but it should never be the goal.

5. Verbalize Your Feelings

As the title of a hit Korean drama goes, “It’s OK to not be OK.”

As of this writing, we haven't finished watching this yet, but so far, it's been great

We live in constant fear of being judged, which leads us to always pick up a mask to show we’re doing just fine even if we’re scarred beneath it.

During my episode, I realized that I kept so many things inside so that Che and our housemates wouldn’t be worried about me.

Back then, I felt like my issues were so miniscule compared to the stress and problems that they had to face on a daily basis at work. I didn’t want anyone to be burdened by listening to me because I didn’t even know if they could help me.

I felt like a waste of time.

It took a while for me to admit to myself that it was weighing heavily on me, and before I fell hard on my worries, I learned why they called your partner a “significant other.”

There was no other person in the world I would have poured my heart out at that time but to Che, because no matter how insignificant my issues were to the world, we made a promise to God that we would be together for good times or bad, and I had a duty to share my “bad times” with her.

It was only when I was telling her everything that all those uncontrollable tears fell down from both our eyes.

After that, it was easier for me to admit my moment of weakness to other close friends.

While not everyone has a significant other who they can share all their worries to, I believe that everyone has at least that one person who they can trust with certain things.

Even if they take it negatively, verbalizing your feelings for the first time will make it so much easier for you to share it with others, which would help you learn who among your friends genuinely care for you, and who are exclusively for fun and games.

However, everything must start within yourself – never think that you are insignificant, because you matter.

If you don’t think that anybody has time for your worries, you will never have the courage to share your feelings which will eventually eat you up inside. 

...TER's Day Thursday: Revealing My Kitchen Secrets...

I didn’t know how to cook.

I love eating, but I didn’t really have that urge to learn how to cook as I grew up.

Discovering new flavors are always exciting for me, which made working in the manufacturing industry quite fun for me, because it taught me how to discern flavors (and fragrances) on a different level.

It didn’t make me want to cook though, because I felt like the best part of the cooking process is the payoff – eating.

However, after I proposed to my then-girlfriend, I realized that I was going to be leaving the life of comfort that I grew accustomed to, and I needed to learn how to cook for my would-be wife when we’re living together.

About five years in, and I believe that I’ve cooked enough to say that at least I am no longer a kitchen newbie because a number of people already think I can cook well while quite a few have validated that thought.

First post-marriage cooking post on my feed. I've cut down my prep time over time owing to familiarity.

I think I’m on the level of when I’m part of a group that asks “who here knows how to cook?” I can confidently, but slowly, raise my arm.  

I’m writing to share the secrets I’ve learned along the way, which may or may not help you in your culinary journey:

1. Make Technology Work For You

Before I cook a dish, I usually scour the internet for the appropriate recipe. When before, you only had cook books and family recipes to teach you how to cook, you now have a plethora of recipe sources right at your fingertips, so make use of it!

I think half our spice rack was filled because of the stuff I put on this rub.

“Julienne” was an alien term for me, but it was a common word in recipes, so I’m guessing even if I had a cook book with me, I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own.

But because I live in the age of YouTube, I was able to learn that technique and a lot of other processes by watching how others did it.

Unfamiliar ingredients are also easily learned with a simple Google search, and if I can’t source it out, finding the appropriate substitute (and even where to buy it) are similarly solved by asking the almighty Google.

Just like there’s no one way to cook Adobo, there’s also a variety of ways to cook any dish, so I usually check out about five or six recipes before deciding on which steps I could replicate with consideration to availability of ingredients, tools, and skill involved.  

I always imagine what the effect of each step does to a dish, so if I think one recipe has a good idea but another has an efficient execution, I would fuse those together to come up with a dish that tastes nice in my imagination.

So far, it’s been helpful.

2. Conditioning Through Description

I enjoy watching cooking shows and anime. I’ve watched most seasons of Masterchef, a Korean series about a pop-up restaurant in Spain (Youn’s Kitchen), followed Cooking Master Boy, Yakitate Japan, and Food Wars to name a few.

Souma from Food Wars cooked this dish with a seemingly legitimate explanation regarding the onions.
Found out it had real-life truth, so I decided to try it.

In all cases, I would imagine that the food they serve are amazing, just based on how they describe it and how they react to it.

Of course I know that some of the anime dishes are probably impossible, while I’m guessing not all of the food served in real-life shows taste as well as they sound, but if left to your imagination, it could stay as an amazing dish.

Over the years, I’ve learned to be confident in anything I cook. After all, if I didn’t like it, how else would others receive it?

From time to time, I build up excitement for my dishes – during the process of cooking or preparing the dish, I would create anticipation by telling those who will eat that I’m about to do something amazing, or that I’ve tasted parts of it, and I feel like I nailed it.

4 out of 5 times, I would get a positive reaction when they actually taste the dish; of the 4, maybe only 2 really liked it, while the other two didn’t dare offer their criticism thinking they might offend me. The one who was not as impressed as the other four would offer a half-hearted praise before stating their criticism.

Personally though, getting someone to take a bite of my cooking is winning half the battle. Seeing them finish their plates is satisfying enough, but getting seconds is really humbling.

Who knew confidence could add such flavor to a dish?

3. The Home Cooking Adventure

I’m not a professional cook, and I didn’t take any cooking classes. That said, I don’t want to teach how I cook my dishes not because I’m selfish, but because I don’t have the proper credentials for it.

Besides, all my dishes only have a list of ingredients, with no defined quantities. See, I’m the guy who would chop half a head of garlic when a recipe asks for two cloves.

Considering I don’t feed paying customers and I really enjoy food, I treat each dish as an adventure – I never know how it will turn out.

I don’t have a specialty dish, because if you asked me to cook you that delicious Paella that I cooked for you once, what I’ll serve you next time will not be the same, but I believe you’d appreciate it differently.

Looked for a Paella recipe because that Christmas' theme was Spanish. This was version 1.0.

It will be a different kind of delicious, because I would take notes from the last time you tried it, and will try to improve the dish based on your taste preference.

I grew up in a family that doesn’t have a heritage recipe, but what my wife and I have in common is that both our fathers rely on the “Pacham” method of cooking – “Pachamba-chamba” or “Luck-based” cooking.

It may not be consistent, but on the bright side, eating Adobo for five straight days won’t be as boring as it sounds because it will seem like it was cooked by five different people.  

4. Presentation Is Everything

Food blogs and food reviews are always a great example of item #2 of this blog. If having an item about TV shows influencing my cooking is not enough to tell you how much of a sucker I am for reviews, then let me share another point.

When How I Met Your Mother had an episode about “The Best Burger in New York,” I tried to hunt down my own “best burger” in Manila, and took food reviews as bible truth.

That’s when I realized that some bloggers would exaggerate their experience because they are paid or they got free food. (for closure on this story – Sweet Ecstasy is legit, quality of Charlies’ went down a bit for some time but I’m not sure if it picked back up again. Shake Shack was nice when we visited last year.)

Still, they got the job done when it comes to having at least one person try out their place.

Given this, while I’m no influencer, I understand that social media allows me to extend my food experience with my circle of friends.

Missed Shakey's Manager's Choice Pizza and tried to make my own. Looked close enough, I thought.

While my dish could only feed three and a half people, maybe thirty more can experience it through the pictures I post on my feed or story.

As such, I make always make it a point to make my dish look pretty.

Even if you can’t taste it, at least I was able to share my dish to your imagination and make you wonder how good of a cook I am.

...Let Me Tell You About My Mom...

My mom is an example of a genuinely nice person who is always misunderstood – as in no one really understands her.

Rare solo pic of my mom, and only because I got married in 2015

I have endless stories of how she drives my dad, my sister, my brother and me crazy with her comments, complaints, and decisions that I feel like if Jokoy and I switched moms, he’d be a bigger star than he is.

Here’s a quick conversation my sister had with her recently:

Sis: I’ll just send this package to my friend because I can’t deliver it personally.

Mom: Why? The delivery might be more expensive than the package! You have so much cash now that you’d rather just spend money on having it delivered than go by yourself?

Sis: My son is being difficult right now, and besides, she’s the one paying for the delivery fee.

Mom: Isn’t it embarrassing to your friend? What if I just pay for it?

Like a typical mom, there is no right or wrong answer to any of her questions – she will have a comment on just about anything you would say.

She would often complain about having no money, but she’ll insist on buying (and actually buying) an irrationally expensive version of what you are looking for.

My mom cares too much about what people think. She will never admit to it, but she does.

However, she can be a bit tactless at times, speaking thoughtlessly with what she presumes are light-natured jokes, but may actually be a little bit offensive to someone, thus creating an uncomfortable atmosphere.  

Case in point: at my brother’s wedding, his would-be-bride was a bit late, something that would not be so surprising considering she was hands-on about everything, opting not to get a wedding coordinator.

After five minutes past the invitation time, my mom kept joking to the bride’s parents that it seems she’s going to be a runaway bride because she isn’t there yet. (I called her out after blurting out the same joke three times, and she was wondering why I did.)

At times, she will care too much that it will make you uncomfortable to the point of irritation.

She makes a fuss about the smallest things and will hold a grudge forever – she has never once joined her high school reunion particularly because she didn’t like this one person from her batch, so believe me when I say that if you did something against her at some point in your life, she may not have forgiven you just yet.

She is not perfect, but I do love her, which led me to write this.

See, my mom, for all her quirks, is really just a genuinely nice person.

She’s the type to make sure that we have clothes that fit right even if she will update her own wardrobe once every decade, extend our allowances in the middle of the week if we run out of money so that we can eat properly despite not doing the same for herself, and makes sure that there is always food on the table for whatever time anyone wakes up or goes home.

Outside of our own family, she would volunteer herself to help someone who needs something done, at times even if it’s out of the way. She would always thought of the well-being of others before she thought about herself.

She raised us up with the goal of making us turn out to be good people. Some of the things she instilled in us are the habit of not borrowing money so that we won’t be a bother to anyone, the mindset of making sure to bring something over when we’re invited to someone else’s home, and never trampling on any person to gain an advantage in life.

And yet, despite her good nature, all she gets is self-pity.

At 66 years old, this woman still travels at least two hours from Cainta to Binondo to work in the office that she has gone to for over 40 years now, and endures the evening rush to go back home from Monday to Saturday.

She can’t retire because she worries too much about what happens when she’s no longer working, and she has no concept of relaxing or taking a break, so it would be a nightmare for her to wake up one day and not have to do what she has been doing for more than two decades.

She has no social life, no hobbies, and spends her free time either playing games on her tablet or watching Tulfo.

Her one actual friend is one of the few people (apart from family) who I sincerely believe cares for her with no ulterior motives.

It’s easy to ridicule and laugh at her missteps, but not a lot of people really know what she has gone through, and I’m taking the chance to write this.

I have this uncle who everyone also laughed at because of his amazingly unlucky hand in gambling, but he can’t stop doing it. Earlier in the millennium, we lost him because of an unbelievably stupid case of mistaken identity.

At his wake, people came and shared how much of a good person my uncle was.

I don’t want that to happen to my mom.

I want her to know that she is loved while she is with us. I can’t change what she is, and if she can’t love herself as much as I’d want to, I at least want to make her feel that she is loved, like really loved – not loved because she’s going to buy you stuff in Divisoria, or because she’s going to pay the tab when you dine out, or because she’s going to lend you money you probably won’t pay back, or because she will do you a favor no one else would.

I don’t want people telling me how much they appreciate my mom “when she lived” because no one seems to appreciate her now that she is living.

For most of her life, she has worried about others that she would forget about taking care of herself.

This is woman is genuinely a gift to mankind despite her imperfections, and she deserves better than self-pity.  

So when all these lockdowns are over and you get a chance to meet her, I hope that you could give her a genuine smile or do something nice for her so that she would feel that love could extend beyond her family.  

...TER's Day Thursday: Things I Learned from My Uncles...

My dad and his 12 siblings grew up in a pretty independent household and produced different personalities – from strict, traditional disciplinarians to fun, but almost too carefree uncles and aunts.

It was a very well defined division that I was told as a kid to stay away from some uncles because “I would grow up the wrong way.”

These are the same uncles that made me sip my first taste of beer when I was in the third grade, and later urged me to have my first bottle in a family gathering while they distracted my dad nearby.

Not even half of my family, but our batch of cousins was close to complete,
and one of the younger ones had a baptism of fire of sorts on this night 

Approaching my 34^th year of life, I think I grew up to be a pretty decent human being despite being exposed to these “bad influences” in my life.

You can’t get burned if you never touched fire, and I believe that my dad and his siblings became the people that they are precisely because they learned when they got burned by their mistakes.

As such, I hung out with my uncles, because despite their carefree nature, they are very much concerned about our well-being, and they didn’t want us to fall to the same pits they had to climb out of.

Good or bad, here are some of the lessons I learned from all of them, including my dad:

1. Vices are inevitable.

Getting my first sip of beer in the third grade and getting pushed by my uncles to drink when I was in my first year in high school might seem irresponsible, but hear me out.

Being as exposed as they were growing up (they lived in the heart of the town and had regular mah jong players frequent their house), they understood that habits and vices are almost an inevitable part of one’s life.

Instead of finding our vices in drugs or smoking, they chose to expose us to beer early hoping for either of these two outcomes:

a. We don’t like it and hate it so much that when we get older, we’d think that it wasn’t worthwhile.

b. We liked it, and find it enjoyable, so we’d have this vice instead of the other two.

For the most part, it was a pretty good batting average as there are only a handful of us who picked up smoking (probably less than 10 in 40 kids).

We all grew up to drink though, but I can bet all my fingers that you will have a good time when you join any of our sessions.

2. You can choose your friends, but never your family.

With such a diverse family, it’s natural to have personalities that would clash from time to time. In my lifetime, I’ve seen some of my uncles and/or aunts not talk to each other for extended periods of time because of said differences, but would eventually get together like nothing happened.

Most arguments are of petty causes brought about by ego, but there are some that led to serious issues. However, more than drilling the concept in our minds, they showed through their actions and camaraderie just how thick blood is compared to water.

They are not the most affectionate bunch, and admitting fault in any way almost never happens, but despite those, we learn to get over differences because we are a family.

3. Do anything you want, as long as you can stand by it.

This is one of the most important things my dad always taught me, as his dad taught him.

With such a big family, they had to figure out independence from a very young age. As a result, almost every one of them grew up to be self-made people who enjoyed a degree of success in their chosen fields.

Growing up, my dad never imposed rules on me. He wouldn’t tell me to study or sleep early on a school night, what mattered to him was that I woke up for school and passed my subjects.

In a way, it taught me my limits. I had the freedom to do what I wanted, but considering their own careers with however little that they had, there were high expectations from our generation to achieve or exceed their achievements.

I couldn’t be thoughtlessly irresponsible because though they held a safety net to catch me, they made it very clear that they were letting go after the catch.

With so many considerations before acting, I carry close to no regrets in life, because I know that whatever I did was the best possible action at the time that I did it.

4. There are no problems in life,you create them.

My grandfather imparted this to his children, and I believe it is one of the main reasons why we’re generally happy people.

It’s basically his version of Occam’s Razor – don’t overcomplicate things.

For my grandfather, we create our own problems by worrying about things. If you’re hungry, you eat. 

If you can’t eat, you find a way to eat instead of finding excuses why you’re not eating.

You hate your work? Leave or suck it up. Can’t suck it up but can’t leave? You created your own problem right there.

It seems too simple to be life-changing, but I believe it helped me become a person who never carries burdens.

5. Enjoy the fruits of your labor, but never stop planting seeds.

One of my uncles is seen by his older siblings as someone who is too carefree to be considered as a “role model.” However, he never took it upon himself to be a “role model” and instead treated me and my cousins as he did his close friends.

During one of our sessions, he shared how much of a rollercoaster his life had been. He said that in his youth, he got to earn more than the average person of his age and indulged in things he enjoyed – mostly drinking in bars.

Looking back, he thought he was too generous for his own good, and regretted that he wasn’t able to buy himself insurance or invest in something worthwhile, because eventually, those funds ran dry, and a complicated turn of events pushed him out of employment for an extended period of time.

He shared his cautionary tale during my mid 20’s, because while he enjoyed our company, he wanted us to take the chances that he neglected to take when he was our age.

He didn’t regret being generous though, because at the end of the day, it made him and the people around him happy. 

6. How we are shaped greatly affects our choices in life.

Most of the men in our family had flings apart from their significant others, and they stuck together to keep those flings from their respective partners.

I always wondered why they did it, since my aunts were family when they got married, and during one of our sessions, it was explained to me why it was natural for them.

Of the 13 siblings, not all of them were my grandmother’s kids. However, I grew up not knowing this because of their close bond, and even if it was shocking, I didn’t care to know who were not my grandmother’s children because it really didn’t matter.

That was the culture that they grew up in – being open and accepting of my grandfather’s infidelity. I wasn’t brought up that way, which led me to feel indifferent about how they cover for each other.

I realized that our life choices are shaped by our environment, and not everyone was brought up the same way that I was. It helped me have a better appreciation for the diverse personalities in my life.

I've imposed my morals on people as if I am infallible, but I know now that what I know to be naturally right might not be as easy to do when one grew up in a radically different environment. 

7. Cheating may be caused by the unlikeliest reasons.

When I had a chance, I asked one of my uncles why he cheated on his wife.

I expected something about unhappiness, growing distant, losing physical contact, or something like that. But I got a totally different answer:

“Because I had the power.”

In more modern terms, it was basically a flex.

He didn’t have to, he could have chosen not to, but he did, because he can. Going back to the previous point, he grew up in a culture where infidelity is not that big of a deal, and so when he had the chance, he did it himself.

I've seen how cheating affects both parties, and I dread the idea of my wife experiencing it. Understanding the causes of cheating might help me navigate away from it, and it was enlightening to know that the real world does not always adhere to clichés. 

8. People are more than their titles and social status.

My dad and my uncles treat everyone with respect, and those who have reached a management position won the hearts of their subordinates precisely because they are treated as people rather than underlings.

They are equal-opportunity bosses who don’t look at which school you came from or your previous work experience. If you believed that you can handle the job and subsequently prove it, you had a chance to work your way up.

My dad promoted people who would otherwise be found unqualified by other bosses, and in return, they showed everyone else in management that my dad did the right thing. 

My dad and his brothers are so well-loved by their respective subordinates that we were treated like royalty when we are first introduced to them.

It helped me gain the confidence to converse with just about any type of personality. It taught me not to be intimidated by rich business owners and never look down on a street vendor or a utility man or the waiter at the bar.

Names, titles, and social status don’t really matter when you’re talking to people, because like my dad said, we all breathe the same air and our farts all smell bad.  

9. It’s never too late to make things right. 

In Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince, he posits that ideally, one should be both feared and loved, but admits that it is difficult to achieve, and that if one needs to make a choice between the two, he should be feared rather than loved.

One of my uncles best illustrated this idea in his lifetime as a father. He was the type of guy who would make you feel like you killed a person if you leaned on his car and chose to be feared in order to establish his dominance.

However, at some point, he became such a teddy bear that almost nobody believed he was actually trying to make a change for his kids.  

When before, my cousins would cower in fear when their dad got home from work, they eventually looked forward to hugging him when he comes to the door, and I believe they still do to this day.

We sometimes tease him for trying to make up for his past a little too much already, and while he’s dangerously close to being on the negative spectrum of the “loved” part (i.e. subjects take the liberty to do what they please) at times, I believe he is much closer to the ideal than where he was earlier in our lives.

It showed me that it doesn’t matter what your situation is or how old you are, the key to achieving a goal is to start working towards it.  

10. Never stop playing.

One of my uncles was known for his unlucky streak in gambling.

He bet on card games, horse races, and whatever he can bet on, but he wasn’t always lucky. They even told me a story that he once walked all the way from Sta. Ana Racetrack back to their home in San Juan because he lost all his money on the track and didn’t have money to go back home.

Win or lose he always kept a smile on his face, and would shout his classic line “whattalayp!” (“what a life!”) whenever he lost.

He always believed that he would win somehow, and while it didn’t always end up winning, he happily accepted his fate and looked forward to another chance the next day.

One day, that chance didn’t come for him because he was abruptly taken away from us.

I knew him as a person that put his family above everything else despite his habit of gambling (he’s gambling so that he could give more than what he can for his family anyway), and someone who always believed that things will turn out for the best if you persevere (which explains why he keeps gambling).

He understood that playing means there will be winners and losers, and that no matter how high the stakes, it’s still just a game.

Some people can take games too seriously that they forget that it’s just a game – win or lose, we’re still going to live another day, and play another game.

In life, no matter how far down we think we are, we just have to believe that our time will come.

It may not be tomorrow, it may not be soon, but you’ve got to persevere because we can’t win if we stop playing.

11. Embrace your flaws, and the world can’t harm you.

My aunts and uncles are probably the some of the most irritating people you could be around with if you take life and body image too seriously.

Once, one of my uncles loudly chanted “Defense!... Defense!” to encourage his visitor who was playing my cousin…in chess.

When I was a kid, they would laugh at my face while I cried and later on, my sharp chin would be their favorite thing to make fun of.

I remembered getting hurt, feeling ugly, and felt really insecure about my whole personality.

However, when I came to an all-boys school in high school, I realized that the words bullies might use to hurt me are the same things that I’ve been teased with all my life, and so nothing got to me.

I was a skinny nerd and a new kid in a harsh high school environment, but somehow, I blended in with any crowd I chose to be part of.

No matter how harsh my family seemed to be when they made fun of me, it somehow helped me not to think too highly of myself, and made me embrace the flaws that I couldn’t do anything about.

Ultimately, it became the armor I needed to face all the cruel people of the world.

==========================

I know I learned a lot more from them, but these are some of the first ones that come to mind.

Maybe I’m overthinking their actions, but nonetheless, I’m thankful to have grown up under their guidance, directly or indirectly, and I can only hope that I would be able to pass on their best lessons to my growing boy.