...A Place to Call My Own...

Now that I'm actually single-single, I get to go out with friends I didn't have the chance to go out with much before. I've come to terms with myself to not push myself to people who don't want me to be part of their lives. There are 8 billion people living in this world; I don't need my world to revolve around one person who doesn't want a moon.

I know I've blogged about one's place in the world before, but it's just now that I think I figured out what I want to say.

There are friends around you, and there are your best friends. Ah yes, the "best friend". A friend is a friend, but a "best friend" is cut above the rest. Now, personally, I think it's somewhat of a subjective term until it's confirmed. For example, a person may be your best friend, but to that person, you're not. You may share certain bonds, but you're not the twin he/she never had, something that people-percieved "best friends" seemingly are.

These people-percieved "best friends" are those that talk without words coming out of their mouths, understand each other by mere phrases, have unbreakable habits (even a freakin high-five to call their own), is a normal face at each others houses, and knows at least 98% of what's going on in the other's life. It borders an actual romantic relationship.

Hence, if people-percieved "best friends" are male and female, most of the time, people tease them a lot. In rare times, the "best friends" remain "best friends" by choice of one (see "My Best Friend's Wedding").

The case of male and male "best friends" is contained in single, all-knowing book, called "The Bro Code".

The female and female "best friends" is the more ideal "best friends" scenario. The cheesiness, the fights, the "ESP", the sleepovers, etc..

So now, despite the multitude of friends, despite the countless bottles of beer, despite the never ending exchange of stories from people around, I feel alone. And now I understand why I hated being single. I am no longer significant. Friends and family may argue that I am to them, to some extent, but aren't we all? Someone has to be the guy to take out the trash, someone's the designated driver, someone's got to be the guy who never runs out of stories, someone's got to be object of insults, someone's got to be the person that can be pushed to the stage to sing for a crowd. Everyone has their roles, as I have mine. But at the end of the day, I want to be as significant to a person as she is to me. THAT makes me feel significant.

By analogy, it goes like this: James Posey was a vital ROLE player in the Miami and Boston teams that won the championships. But after those championships, he was let go by both teams, because of either team direction or financial decisions. Today, both teams are relatively looking good, as they have filled the void left by their role player.

Now, Memphis had a franchise player in Pau Gasol. They weren't a contending team, but they were a relatively good team, good enough to make the playoffs (though never won a game there). Then they make that controversial trade of sending Gasol off to the Lakers for a flop in Kwame Brown, and a couple of draft rights. Since then, Memphis has been fighting to not be the last team in the league.

My point is, any role player can be replaced, and life goes on. It may be different from before, but life goes on. But if you lose a franchise player, it's gonna be a difficult climb to get back on top. But if the glue that held the whole group together should be gone, everything's gonna fall apart.

Hence, I feel insignificant. I play a role in people's lives, but I am a certain kind of person to them; the portalet, the philo guy, the emo dude, the gamer, the drinking buddy, the financier, name it. It was never that way when I was in a relationship. During those times, someone cared for what I wanted to say no matter how random it was, someone laughed at jokes my friends would need a long back story for, someone sought me when she was in trouble, someone was there when I pictured what the future might be, someone said "I love you too" when I said "I love you",  someone had me on top of her list if she had an invitation for two. Now, I wander people's lives, trying to build a foundation in which I can be significant in their lives and not just play a role.

You'd feel reality kind of slap you a bit when you see the lines that you might be crossing. For instance, reading exchanges you have no idea of, not being given the confidence to drive, being called after everyone's there already, etc.. As it seems, you may be in the loop, but there are other "loops" that people are part of; you may be seen as responsible, but clearly, to them you're not; and you were the last person they remembered calling.

But, hey, I'm not monopolizing here. Despite her agreement with the "bye balloon" statement and the disconnection from the networks thing, I think she's having her own problems as well. We've been together for so long, it's like we're still both trying to learn to walk again. I could be wrong though. I'm just saying, she's much a victim here as I portray myself to be.

For Canada, well, it was fun while it lasted. But apparently, it wasn't supposed to.

And now, I know better than to assume that I'm this or that person's best friend or not. I take what is given, I don't push for what's not. For now, it's ok that I have my best friends, reciprocated or not. Article 145: A Bro is never offended if another bro fails to return a phone call, text, or email in a timely fashion.

But of course, eventually, I'd like to be more than that. I want to be someone's franchise player again. To be reciprocated. To be... Significant.