...On Niceness, and One's Spot in the World...

Good things happen to good people, they say. That's probably true on some occassions. But most of the time, these "good" people gets screwed over. Watch "Wow Mali!" or any gag show. Those who try to help the prankster end up being the object for laughter. Prank callers usually get their fill with people who actually answer calls.

Now, I go to the assholes, those who don't care about the rest of the world, just themselves. They don't get sucked in to a gag show prank because even if the prankster's bleeding to death, the asshole won't bother even coming near. Prank callers don't even get to have a chance to spill their punchline because the asshole dropped the call.

Come to think of it, assholes somehow have the life.

I think I can claim that I'm generally a good guy. I was brought up being educated with the life of St. Lorenzo Ruiz, inspired by the teachings of St. John Bosco, enlightened by some works of St. Thomas of Aquinas, and influenced by my parents' struggles. Much of an ass I may be, I know where to draw the lines. I degrade people (without their knowledge most of the time) for the intention of having fun, but not to blatantly spit at their whole being. I've been in trouble for doing that to either sensitive or relatively new acquiantances, but anyone who knows me, especially the Team, knows that it's all in the name of fun. I know my flaws and can laugh at them as well, so it doesn't really matter if people start shooting insults at me. It's just a matter of whose head blows up first.

Relationship-wise, first-hand experience from my mom taught me how to take care of a woman. I think that somehow, I inherited her being emotional, and how to love and trust that one person she thought was "the one". The difference between her and me, however, is that she's such an introvert who never really had friends, while I think I inherited my dad's ability of talking to just about anyone.

Hence, I've always had the idea that that person I'm pursuing is the person I'm gonna be with for the rest of my life. I've had 2 serious relationships in my life, and wanted to throw everything I had known as my life for a third one, but nothing apparently worked out.

The first, ended up with distance, but later on I found out it was because of another guy. The second one ended for reasons that seemed mutual then, but later seemed incomprihensible, and now probably irreparable. The almost-not-quite ended with three statements: "You're acting as if we're a couple. And I hate it. Bye." It was as brief as the time we spent together.

This sucks, really. It should've just ended when she left. At least that was a decent goodbye. But I thought she was my dream girl. And when you have a grasp on your dream, you don't let go of it. I didn't. Despite the infinite barriers that come between us, I didn't want to let go of it. It was illogical, pointless, and nonsensical. But wasn't that how love was supposed to work? It didn't always have to make sense, it just had to be something you wanted to do.

Going back to assholes and nice people, I think this isn't working out for me. I don't like to flirt around because it's not me, even if my bloodline proves otherwise. Heck, I'm named after my grandfather, for crying out loud. Blame it on me inheriting my mom's emotions, but I never saw women as tools. I know assholes who'd take what they want in a girl and leave them as soon as a new flavor comes along. Somehow, I'm being given the impression that that's how the world should work: You either eat or be eaten, kill or be killed, leave or be left.

Frankly, I don't seem to understand how relationships should work. I was told not to look too far ahead of the future, but being short-sighted shows your lack of commitment to what you have. I was told to be there for your other half, but sooner or later, you'd be labelled as being too clingy. Long distance relationships never work out, they say. But, isn't it that relationships are supposed to be up to the people involved in it? Come to think of it, short or no-distance relationships wouldn't work too, if the people in it don't want to make it work.

So the difference between being nice and being an asshole works this way: the nice person will be sulking at his loss, while the asshole shrugs his shoulder and moves on to the next.

Tell me then, aside from the mystical ideas of heaven, karma, and reincarnation, what good does being good bring?

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A Spot in the World

There was a time in life where I knew my definite place in the world. I am a friend of all and the love of one. But one shift made it all so blurry.

When before I didn't have much need for my friends except for occassional drinking sessions, watching games, playing games, and talks because I had everything I needed in one person, now, I seem to be lost in trying to figure out what kind of friend I've been to my friends for me to be part of their world as much as I want them to be part of mine.

From what I've learned, assuming your spot doesn't work out too well.

I thought I was part of the reason she wanted to go home. I assumed I was the person she was waiting for when she was online and I wasn't. I assumed that we shared something. I assumed that she thought I was worth it. Because she was. Because I thought we did. Because I always wait for her to go online. Because I wanted her to be back here, so that I can be with her.

But apparently, we're not the same person. We don't feel the same things. The consequences of the actions of another generate different reactions from different people.

I trust people easily. I always believed that if you don't screw a person over, that person will treat you the same way. It's hard for me not to trust, to assume goodness in another person, and thus to expect goodness in return.

Assuming begets expectations, and when expectations don't materialize, you're bound to be broken.

Now to keep friendship, I must elevate Article 145 of the Bro Code to one of my life's priorities.

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Hay.. Pag walang ginagawa sa office. Tsk.