...Fairy Tales and Stories...

I don't have night time habits to help me sleep.

Growing up, my mom would force us to sleep at around 9PM and would scold us if we weren't asleep by 10PM especially on a school night.

My brother and I slept in the same room, so at some point, we even asked her to read us Funny Komiks to help us sleep at night, but that didn't last long, and it really didn't help much because we actually finished reading that issue of the comics.

As I grew older, my mom became more lenient with my bedtime and eventually had a TV set up in our room.

When I got my own room, Wave 89.1's Dreamsounds was my go-to sleep companion, so I had to sleep before 12 midnight or else all I would hear is static.

I had something close to this, but I can't find a picture of the actual thing it as it's long gone.

Now that I'm a dad, we've been experimenting on what sleeping habits we can help Vino create.

The default is nursing, but when Che's not around, I can't replicate that. At times, Ate Jen, our helper, would be able to get him to sleep while she carried and danced as Vino rested her head on her shoulder. 

However, when we went home to the Philippines and Che had to go on a business trip for a while, Vino's pattern changed.

He seems to be able to relax at the sound of car engines, and would sleep while riding a car. For the days when Che wasn't at home, I drove him around until he fell asleep.

Since then, Vino didn't want to be carried to sleep anymore. 

But one night, when Che had a late dinner, I closed the lights and told him stories.

The boy loves books. Hopefully he keeps it up.

It was then that I realized that I knew of fairy tales, but I didn't know them by heart. 

I knew Peter Pan lived in Neverland, but at the top of my head, I didn't know why Captain Hook was so angry at him and how he took Wendy and her brothers back to their home.

I knew that Sleeping Beauty bit an apple from the Queen who kept asking her magic mirror "who's the fairest of them all?" but I didn't know how she ended up with the seven dwarves. 

I knew Rapunzel lived in a tall tower, but because of Tangled, I'm not quite sure what happened in the fairy tale I grew up knowing about.

I drew blanks when Vino asked for more stories. Then I had to dig deep and tell him stories that I knew about - the plot of Ghost Fighter which I just finished watching on Netflix, a little bit of Dragon Ball, and eventually, the plot of One More Chance, which I apparently know by heart.

The last one did the trick for him that night, but when he's sleeping next to his mom, he would always default to nursing.

I had to dig deep to try and remember stories, with or without lessons, that I remember being told to me as I grew up. 

My Dad's Province Life

My dad lived with 12 other siblings in the province, so it's not surprising that they would have some crazy times together. 

One day, they had coconuts, and opened it using a large bolo knife.

We call it, "itak"

After everyone had their fill, their eldest brother raised it up and asked "who will bring this back to the kitchen?"

No one answered. 

Irritated, he let go of the knife and let it fall to the floor. 

Unfortunately, it fell directly on his foot.

When I told Vino this story, I said that this is why you have to be careful when handling sharp objects.

Another story involved my dad and two of his brothers. 

They were riding a carabao in the fields one day and decided that they wanted to have some fun. 

Not the same carabao, obviously, but imagine how old my dad
and his brothers were if 3 of them fit on this guy's back.

They pulled the carabao's tail to make it go faster, and it did. However, it unexpectedly went downhill through a garden of roses, scratching their legs in the process. 

Bloodied and tired as they hung on to the carabao, they had to wait for it to stop on its own.

When it finally did, one of my dad's brothers said he needed to take a leak. Not even midway through peeing, the carabao stepped on his foot.

My dad and my uncle tried to push the carabao away, but they couldn't move it because not only was it heavy, it was also taking a piss itself.

I told Vino that what we learned from this story is that we should always be kind to animals. 

Province life pre-cellphones and whatnot unleashed creativity among dad and his siblings.

One day, got themselves home-made darts using nails and whatever they used to make it aerodynamic, and got a large coconut or a tree trunk to use as their target.

Probably something more primitive than this, but you get the picture.

They would throw the dart alternately and see who gets closest to the bullseye.

One of my uncles (Uncle A) threw his dart and stepped away. One of his brothers (Uncle B) got ready to throw next. As Uncle B was aiming, Uncle A who threw ahead of him suddenly decided to get his dart.

In an instant, the dart hit the side of Uncle A's head instead of the target. 

I've contemplated telling Vino this story because I needed to explain a lot of things, but if I ever did tell him about it, I'd say that the lesson we draw here is the value of patience and firm decision-making. 

The Legend of My Mom

I love my mom, but she can be really clumsy at times. She easily panics, and makes silly mistakes when she does, which later built her legendary status as the most entertaining person in the family.

These stories could easily be mistaken for fiction because of how ridiculous they are, but these were told by my dad while my mom was present or by my mom herself. 

I want to share these with Vino later on in life so that even if he isn't growing up in close company with his grandmother, he could at least carry some amusing stories about her to build affinity with my mom. 

One day, my mom rode with my dad as he went to the office. My mom worked in Manila, while my dad worked in Makati, and as this was the early to mid 80's, there wasn't much traffic to make this an impossible distance in the morning.

I never saw Ayala without traffic, but I guess this was the norm back then.

When they reached Makati, they stopped at a traffic light, and my mom suddenly decided that she could go down there and catch a bus or something. 

Before my dad could say anything, my mom was out of the car already, and my dad was surprised that he couldn't see her anymore. 

"She found a ride quick," he thought.

As my dad waited for the light to turn green, my dad was looking around and was shocked when his gaze turned to the passenger-side window.

There was my mom, standing straight up with the biggest ear to ear smile he ever saw her in. 

Light turned green, and she waved goodbye to him. 

Later that day, my dad got a call from my mom, who was crying.

Apparently, she fell to the ground as soon as she got off the car and scraped her knees. She was so embarrassed that she stood up as soon as she could, but couldn't say anything to my dad as the light turned green already. 

She went to the office with bloodied, scraped knees. 

Another legendary story happened during her office hours.

My mom is one of the most trusted employees of her boss, and she's been in charge of the payroll for quite some time.

One day, she went out to the bank to get money for the payroll and got into a jeepney.

Midway through the journey, three men pulled out weapons and declared a robbery while the jeepney was moving. 

Jeep and traffic were inevitabilities in Binondo even way back.

My mom was shaking to her core! In her bag was tons of money that was supposed to be the salary of her whole company, and she was sitting right next to a robber!

As the robbers collected valuables from everyone, the one beside my mom suddenly whispered, "don't worry, little girl, you're not included in this."

They apparently thought my mom, who stood at 4-11, was a student, and decided not to do her harm or rob her. 

In her head, my mom was both thankful and offended. Naturally, she was thankful for not being robbed, but she was offended that they thought she did not have anything worth taking despite arguably having the most to lose in that jeepney. 

Tales From the Drinking Table

I had my first sip of beer when I was in third grade. One of my uncles let me sip from his cup and told me that if vices were going to be inevitable, it's better for me to learn how to drink than learn how to smoke cigarettes.

To some extent, that worked out well as at age 34, I never picked up smoking as a habit. 

I did, however, pick up drinking at around high school. I rarely drink alone though, because it's not alcohol that I enjoy, but rather the company I have when I'm drinking.

Coming from a big family who somehow urged me to drink, they are naturally my first drinking buddies, and they shared quite a lot of stories over the years. 

There's no lessons to be learned, just some crazy stuff.

Uncle C shared a story about how Uncle D admitted his infidelity to his wife. 

They went out for a drink to muster up some courage to do what they're about to do. On the way home, Uncle C was hyping up Uncle D, and Uncle D was soaking it all up.

"I'm going to tell her exactly what happened and let her deal with it!" Uncle D said, to the delight of a proud Uncle C.

When they went inside the house, Uncle D told Uncle C to stay in the living room as they talked. 

Uncle D and his wife went inside their room. Shouting ensued. Some other noise was heard, suggesting that there may be violence happening.

Uncle C was nervous, but somehow proud. "He really knows how to assert his dominance as the man of the house," he thought.

The door opened, and he was ready to meet his brother. Instead, it was his sister-in-law who stepped out. 

Probably something my aunt lived by.

"Tell me everything you know, C!" she demanded.

Through a small opening of the door, Uncle C could see Uncle D laying flat on his back on the bed. Needless to say, he said every detail that he knew. 

One of my favorite drinking buddies was my cousin Jon. If anyone would bet money on a drinking contest, I'll bet my fortune on Jon against anyone.

Only good memories with beer. With Tequila, not so much.

While we try our best to keep up, none of us could get to the point where he was in a drunken state. 

He learned this the hard way when he had a pissing contest with his neighborhood friend.

So this friend says that he had a cousin who drank really well, and incidentally, my cousin from the province came to visit him.

"My cousin drinks really well too! He's from the province," he said, building up my cousin's image to match his friend's cousin.

Jon invited his friend to his house later that night so that they can have a drinking session with their two cousins. 

Everything was going well as they were all having a good time. 

Later, my cousin from the province stood up and said he was going to take a leak. As he opened the door, he suddenly vomited all over the floor. 

The next day, Jon confronted our cousin to ask him what happened. 

"I didn't make it," was all that he could say. 

I remembered this story and made sure not to embarrass him if he did the same thing to me, which actually happened not long after he told me the story.

He took me to his friend's birthday party. His friend was one of those who looked up to him, so much so that we were treated like kings when we arrived. 

We didn't need to stand up to get food or beers, they would bring it to us.

The free flowing beer took a toll on me, and I felt that I was going to blow. I politely asked where the toilet was, and was pointed to that direction. 

As quietly as I could, I let out everything I was trying to keep inside my mouth. 

I took quite a while to compose myself, and I could hear my cousin and his friend talking outside.

"Is he ok? Is he vomiting?" his friend asked. 

"Yeah, yeah, he's ok, don't worry about it," he said.

I washed my face and opened the door as I rubbed my belly.

"Sorry, I think I got too full and had to take a crap," I declared.

To sell the act, I naturally drank a couple more bottles before my cousin decided to call it a night. Of course he knows what happened, but as long as his friends buy the act, then we're good. 

After all, they can't prove what happened in that toilet. 

...NBA Finals Preview: The Uncrowned Kings Against the Spoilers...

The Miami Heat are back in the NBA Finals for the first time since the Big Three era of Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James.

I've followed the team since Wade's rookie playoff run (didn't really watch much regular season games then), but I'm not going to say I saw this coming or that I am an "OG fan" of the Heat. 

Still, I do believe I have followed them enough to make a case for them to actually have a chance against the mighty Los Angeles Lakers, who are incidentally being led by the same guy who carried Miami in its last trip here. 

Let me offer my thoughts on the upcoming Finals: 

The Lakers Looked Destined to a Crown

Every Laker fan would tell people that they are defying odds by being in the Finals because people "counted them out" in favor of the Clippers.

Truth be told, the Lakers were a title favorite at the start of the season, especially after the Anthony Davis acquisition. I'm not buying that "underdog" mentality.  

They are top-heavy with LeBron and AD, but their supporting cast is so underrated that some analysts believed that they were inferior to the Clippers in terms of talent. 

Danny Green's shot has been on and off, no one can still figure out what Kentavious Caldwell-Pope really is, Kyle Kuzma's a suspect third option scorer, JaVale McGee is, well, JaVale McGee, and for all his brilliance, Alex Caruso does still flash some immaturity in his game. 

However, the bubble experience and their run to the Finals have reminded us of two key players that happen to be in their roster: Rajon Rondo and Dwight Howard.

Who would have thought these two would be key players today?

Both were instrumental in dispatching a resilient Denver Nuggets squad and exposed the youth and inexperience of the young team. 

People always had the idea that Playoff Rondo is a thing, but man, did anyone see Playoff Dwight coming?  

After winning the West through only 15 games, it seems that the Kobe tribute title is well on its way. 

The Heat Don't Care About Narratives

Before the start of the playoffs, Rachel Nichols asked Jimmy Butler just how far does he think Miami can go. 

(Jump to 1:32 mark for the clip)

Jimmy: We can win this.
Rachel: You know you're not favored to, right?
Jimmy: I don't give a... I don't care. Speaking for myself, I don't care what anybody says. 

The Heat knocked off the top seeded Milwaukee Bucks in five games, snapping what could have been a historic season for MVP and DPoY Giannis Antetokounmpo.

In the Conference Finals, they upset a healthy Boston Celtics in six games despite trailing in five of those games heading into the fourth quarter.

They looked like a team that was good enough to make the playoffs, but certainly not in the same breath as the Celtics, the Bucks, the Sixers, or even the Raptors. 

And yet, here they are.

If there's any team that has the balls to go off-script and change the expected outcome of anything, it's got to be this Jimmy Butler-led Miami Heat team. 

The Coaching Edge

The true coaching matchup of the series

Many believed that Erik Spoelstra was merely a placeholder for the superteam of Miami until Pat Riley ultimately decided to take the reins again, much like what he did to Stan Van Gundy back in their maiden championship run. 

However, Spo has since become one of the longest-tenured coaches in the NBA - next only to Gregg Popovich and a month longer than Rick Carlisle - because he has proven that he's not just a superstar coach.

The Heat's current run is another testament to Spo's abilities. 

With no superstars at the level of his former Big Three, the Heat conquered the East with innovative defensive schemes against two title favorites in Milwaukee and Boston - both of which arguably had better talent across the board. 

Meanwhile, the Lakers are being carried by the brilliance of LeBron and AD, and Jason Kidd clearly being a huge influence on Rajon Rondo's shooting mechanics.

Their coach is relegated to leading the "Mamba on three" pre-game hype and the "that's Mamba right there" on winning plays. 

I don't think Frank Vogel is a bad coach, but I don't think he's at the level of Spo in terms of skill and leadership. 

While the East Finals looked like a battle of adjustments between coaches, this Finals matchup will look more like a battle of Spo's coaching brilliance and LeBron's on-court mastery.

Small Ball and AD

Lakers' unfair advantage

As effective as Howard and McGee were in limited minutes against Denver, they were rendered unplayable in the Houston series. 

Not Anthony Davis. 

At nearly seven feet tall, Davis can run with guards, has impeccable timing on the defensive end, and has a decent jumper that can stretch the floor. 

He's a unicorn that thrives against tall trees of the past and the small ball era of today.

Against the Heat, the Lakers are going to go against a team that has some of the good components of the teams that they have already faced.

Bam Adebayo may not have the size and range of Nikola Jokic, but his playmaking abilities could be at par with the Joker, and he's definitely an athletic freak that poses a defensive presence that you get if Robert Covington and PJ Tucker were combined. 

Jimmy Butler may not have the range of Damian Lillard or James Harden, but he has a clutch gene that rivals Dame Time and can create shots for himself and for others.

Tyler Herro has elevated his game throughout this Bubble, and has proven that he could wax hot from inside and outside with a very imaginative arsenal reminiscent of Jamaal Murray. 

The Heat can play small to relegate Howard and McGee back to the bench, but they have the personnel to make Lakers bigs work if the situation calls for it. 

X-Factors 

The Heat use danced their version of the zone extensively against the Celtics because Boston stubbornly stuck to their game instead of breaking the zone. 

The most success that the Celtics had were when Jason Tatum and Jaylen Brown were attacking the basket and Marcus Smart was hitting timely shots on the kickout. 

Apart from the expected production of LeBron and AD, the Lakers could make Miami change up the zone if Kuzma and Caruso can create their own shots either by driving the ball or finding the open spots in the corner much like the Boston duo did, and if Rondo can consistently bury his outside shots. 

KCP and Danny Green will always be threats, but they've been too erratic in these playoffs to trust in big moments. However, they can make an impact on the defensive end especially against Herro and Duncan Robinson.

More than anyone though, Kuzma is the guy that needs to elevate his game if the Lakers want to assert their dominance in this series.

The guy the Lakers need, not the blonde dude who showed up at the start of the season

Meanwhile, the most success teams had in defending LeBron and AD in the paint were through secondary defenders. 

The Heat can replicate this by re-introducing of one of the key players in the Miami rotation throughout the season - Meyers Leonard. 

The forgotten one

Leonard was the starting center of the Heat before being re-assigned as the top cheerleader on the bench through these playoffs. 

The seven-footer can take a few minutes away from Jae Crowder or Andre Iguodala to become the primary defender against Davis so that Adebayo can be the designated secondary defender where he can be at his most dangerous, and can stay away from foul trouble. 

The Matchups

Bottom Line

The easy answer is for the Lakers to take this in five games. 

They have the talent, the experience, the confidence, and even the feel-good story to make this a special run at a championship.

In any normal circumstance, the Lakers are going to win this. 

However, we're in the bubble - nothing is normal.

Which is why I'm going to go with the Heat in seven.

The great equalizer - The Bubble

There's no homecourt advantage for the top team, which makes this a level playing field in terms of crowd energy - something that worked to the advantage of the Denver Nuggets in coming back from two 3-1 deficits. 

The added pressure of the crowd could rattle the young guns of the Heat, but in the bubble, they can focus on basketball. 

In a battle of attrition, the Heat have a better chance of outlasting the aging, veteran crew of the Lakers in a game or a long series.

...Strangers and Parenting...

When I was a kid, some random guy passed by our house and for some reason, he convinced me to take him for a ride on our pedicab.

We legit had a pedicab like this, minus the cover, but same design.

Even as he was directing where we were supposed to go, I knew my way around our village since I constantly went around it on my bike.

We reached a small shanty, similar to a makeshift barracks for construction workers, in one of the more secluded parts of our village at the time.

Dude went inside, I got bored outside, and decided to just leave. From a distance, I think I heard him screaming for me to go back, but I decided I didn't want to.

I didn't think much of it, but looking back, I guess I was almost kidnapped.

It's exactly why we are told as kids to never talk to strangers.

However, as I grew older, strangers have been essential parts of my life.

When I was in sales, most of my clients were strangers who I introduced myself to. When I first came to Singapore, I didn't have anyone to play basketball with until I played with strangers.

I understand the dangers of talking to strangers, and as a dad, I dread the idea of losing my kid to some shady person we don't even know.

However, I don't really know how to show him the dangers of talking to strangers just yet.

Living in Singapore, Vino looks a lot like locals, only with bigger, almond eyes that the locals are so amazed with.

Even as a baby, he would get a lot of attention from strangers, mostly older folks. He was given treats, small toys, and even fruit freebies when he went with me to the market.

It's become a habit of mine to be playful around kids I don't know, so when someone does the same for Vino, I ask him to say "hi" at least.

Does it make me a bad parent if I can't practice what I preach?

Good and Bad

I learned back in college that there's a Chinese school of thought that believed that man, by nature, is evil, and that goodness is learned.

George Orwell's novel, Animal Farm, also shows that when society breaks down, even the most innocent will be driven to commit what we know to be evil acts. 

First or second year of high school forced me to read this,
and years after I read it, I guess I realized it's a really good book.

In both cases, they don't discount man's ability to be good, it's just that it must be aided, as it is not natural.

Teaching what's good or bad/evil is one of the most fascinating things I'm learning as a parent, as it makes me question my own moral compass. 

Whenever I say "that's bad" to my kid, I catch myself thinking "is it really bad, or is it only bad because it is contrary to what society dictates?" 

Talking to strangers is bad, but we are in constant communication with strangers: the waiter at the restaurant, the cashier at the grocery, our cab driver, the policeman - these are all strangers who aren't necessarily bad.

If talking to strangers is not bad, then it must be good, so why is it dangerous?

Should I tell my kid to stop trusting people because they might be dangerous? 

Is trusting people bad?

These are questions I always have to be prepared for, especially with the growing curiosity of my kid.

I don't know the right answers to it, or if there are absolute right answers to it. 

I do believe that absolute selfishness leads to evil. It's probably what motivates perverts to rape, for scammers to steal, and for bullies to get what they want.

I can't control the type of people my kid will encounter in the future, but I aim to to shape him to be a stranger that's not dangerous, and hope that he attracts the same kind of people in his circle when he grows up.

Discerning and Judgement  

Back in high school, I had a schoolmate would ask for Php 5.00 during lunch time. Didn't know him, but he's a student, and he did look like he hasn't eaten yet. 

I gave him the money, since it's small change. Next day, I found him doing the same thing to at least two other people. 

A friend told me that it's a scam that a bunch of them are doing to buy stuff without spending their own money.

The night before Vino was born, Che and I were sitting inside a restaurant next to a table with two older ladies. 

They talked to us for a bit, asking when Che's baby was due and some random small talk about our  pregnancy. 

Chatty me humored them, but there was a point when both Che and I felt like they were already disrupting our dinner.

When they stood up, they stopped by our table and gave us a colorful rosary, telling us that everything will be alright. 

This multi-colored rosary was a pleasant surprise for both of us.

We are told to never judge a book by its cover, and these two occasions showed that there can be positives and negatives when you do that.

I was scammed with small change, but if the dude was really hungry, I doubt if he would be able to eat with the Php 5.00 I gave him.

The old ladies shared words of encouragement that we so badly needed that night, which we may never would have gotten if we chose to ignore them. 

You take the good and learn from the bad, but I was brought up to believe that what defines you as a person is how you choose to act, and not what others do to you.  

Trusting Experience

I take pride in being an easy person to connect with.

I have diverse interests and a natural curiosity about things I don't know, which helps me find a topic of conversation with someone I just met. 

With this attitude, my circle grew bigger, and by learning from and about them, I was able to make different circles for people I wanted to keep, and push away those that I didn't need.

I believe I became a better judge of character because of all those interactions, which allowed me to know who to approach or stay away from - something I want Vino to discern by himself when he grows older. 

Like any other kid, Vino is growing up to be very curious as well, and he loves telling stories. They're a bit incoherent right now, but he's trying to piece together some words to try and communicate it to us. 

He has a genuine fascination for discovering things, which I don't want him to lose. 

Vino loves to teach what he knows as well. 

Right now, he's not as confident when meeting new people, but as time goes by, he gets more comfortable with them.

I want him to live in a safe environment, a world where strangers are supposed to be able to help you, not harm you. 

However, I understand that this utopian dream is easier to imagine than make a reality, and what made me the person I am now was forged stronger by learning from the mistakes I had along the way.

I want help Vino to grow up to be one of the good people one would encounter, but I know that there's no better teacher than experience. 

I guess I should learn to trust that these strangers in the world will help shape a good man out of this small boy. 

...Meaningful Connections...

I’ve always been terrified of death.

The uncertainty of what happens after it shakes me to my core. Do we get reincarnated? Do we stay to haunt houses? Do we watch over our loved ones? Do we go to heaven? What happens in hell? Do we become cows or mosquitoes?

How much would this suck?

I never got over this fear, and I probably never would, but the thought of it always made me want to maximize every living day of my life.

When I was single, it meant being everywhere every time – I’d be the guy who would probably show up if you needed a drinking buddy at the shortest of notices. When I moved away, that turned into multiple chat groups on social media to stay in the loop of things happening in my friends’ lives.

I would stay up late and wake up at the earliest possible time my body would allow me to, because I felt that I’d have all the time in the world to sleep when I’m dead.

I could be playing games, staying up late to talk to people, or drinking until there’s no more alcohol left to consume – I probably wouldn’t sleep until my body tells me to.

I’ve lost so many people in my life, and in remembering their lives in their wakes, I always get reminded that material gains mean nothing when you’re gone.

All that people are left with are memories with you, the connections you made with them, and the conversations you left them with.

It made me value how I connected with people. It made it easier for me to filter out those who I didn’t need in my life.

Here’s how I made changes to make more meaningful connections in my life:

1. Accepting What I'm Not

There was a trend that came up recently where people post their achievements with captions like "22 and bought my first car, how about you?"

As a houseband, there are a lot of things that I can't achieve that my peers are working towards. I've  beaten myself up thinking "I should be doing this, I should be earning this much, I should already have that, etc."

Some people around me feel like I could be capable of greater things, or that I am wasting my life away by not living up to the conventional standards of success.

Upon reflection, I realized that I have no reason to live by anyone's standards. 

If I get a high-paying job or run a successful business, will they be satisfied with my achievements? Will it make their lives better knowing that I'm living up to what they think my potential is? Will my life be full knowing that I fulfilled their expectations of me?

And then I realized there was only one question that mattered: does their happiness have to matter more than mine?

We should find our own happiness.

Life shouldn't be a competition. 

We chase different goals, so who should define what a successful life is? If a capable engineering student decides to become a priest, does he fail in life because he can't utilize his talents properly?

We live on different paces, so who's to say that we're lagging behind in terms of milestones? Susan Boyle was 40 when she introduced herself to the world and started her career as a singer. 

I'm happy when my friends achieve their goals, and congratulate them with sincerity instead of jealousy. I've learned to not ask for favors, treats, or freebies for every success of my peers, because they don't owe me anything, and they worked hard to get to where they did. 

Meanwhile, I learned to live with those who are disappointed with how I am living my life - I stopped giving a fuck. 

By accepting my reality, I no longer felt the need to justify my situation to anyone and just swept away any judgmental opinion that came my way. 

It helped me spend less time with people who won't contribute positively in my life, and more time with people who matter to me. 

2. Filtering the Negative

My social media feed is my source of news about the world as well as my connection with my friends from past to present.

I can’t do anything about depressing or disappointing events happening, but friends who are constantly sharing negativity have no place in my feed or my life.

I don’t expect to be surrounded exclusively by people who share the same views that I do - I actually appreciate people who have a different perspective than mine, as they educate me.

However, if after a while, this friend continues to share nothing but his or her anger for the world, I either mute or unfriend them.

On top of my head, I can’t think of particular posts that they did, but I know that I’ve disconnected from people who I think are unreasonable when they argue, take fake news sites as bible truth, post 20 different versions of the same selfie, constantly flex things they clearly can’t afford, and are literal keyboard warriors, among others.

Your selfies aren't the problem - it's the effect on me that's negative.

I’d probably still talk to them when we bump into each other, but I most definitely won’t be spending too much time on that conversation.

In the finite time that I have in this world, I don’t want to spend a bulk of it stressing about negativity either by their posts or the effect their posts have on me.

3. Reaching Out

I usually comment on a friend’s post when it’s funny or relatable, but when it’s about something serious, I tend to reach out through a direct message.

Once, a college acquaintance posted about losing her unborn child.

I don’t remember us talking back in college, but as part of the student council back then, I made myself known to a lot of people so I probably added her on Facebook as she was one of the more recognizable faces of her major.

She left her heart out in her post, and I felt her sadness.

I sent her a message, admitting how I understood that we’re not really close or anything, but I just wanted to tell her how I admired her courage for sharing her tragedy, and how I hoped and will pray that she would stay strong despite it.

She appreciated my message, and even dismissed my claim that she may not know me and even referred to me as “Kuya Voltaire.”

It didn’t make us best buddies who comment or react on each other’s posts, but that was never the intention.

I just really wanted to reach out to let her know that she’s an inspiration instead of just posting “condolence” on her comment section with a sad face emoji. I wouldn’t even be offended if she didn’t reply, but the subsequent conversation we had was a welcome bonus.

Maybe she needed my message, maybe she didn’t. However, I sympathized with her as a parent, and would probably welcome any words of encouragement if I were in her situation.  

People are often hesitant to read messages from obscure people from their past because they might be selling something or are asking to borrow money.

I dream of a world where my son and those who will come after him could care for each other genuinely, where they could help those who really need it without the fear of being taken advantage of.

I remember a prayer I learned while my uncle was housed in La Salle that said “let me be the change I want to see,” and so I act with the hope that this could be the norm of at least the people around me.

I'm not a La Sallian, but my uncle was housed in their community for quite a while,
and this was one of the prayers that stuck with me

4. Disconnecting

Whenever I have visitors or I go out, I make it a point to put my phone face-down.

It’s led to a lot of arguments with my wife, because she gets worried when I don’t answer for long stretches, since she knows that I’m constantly on my phone when I’m at home.

However, I understand that it diminishes the presence of people around me if I’m more interested looking at my phone than talking to them.

I know, because I feel so small when I can’t even pry my friend’s attention away from his or her phone when we’re together.

How many times have you sat on a table with friends, but no one is talking because everyone’s looking for the perfect filter for their post?

How many dishes went cold because you had to take a hundred shots of your spread before you dug in?

A lot of us live different lives online as opposed to reality.

What social gatherings looks like most of the time these days.

It’s easy to shape a personality online – angles make you look thinner or taller, you can choose from multiple shots so that you can post your perfect pose, and you can always share your smiles and happiness so that people will see that you’re doing ok.

But reality can’t always be fixed by a filter or an angle.

I’m not saying you should post as much “aww, I’m miserable” posts on your page as much as you post “wow look at how much fun I’m having today.”

Rather, I want to encourage making connections by disconnecting.

Engage in real conversations – those with emotions, with unfiltered smiles, and unedited words, and not just sentences that end with emojis.

People actually once lived without social media, so it’s really not a mortal sin if you don’t post every little thing happening in your life.

Some of the best moments and conversations I had with friends are those that end with us going our separate ways and later realizing that we weren’t able to capture the moment with a photo. 

These small changes I made in my life have not eliminated my fear of death completely.

However, with these changes, I feel more fulfilled in how I am leading my life, and somehow lessens my worries about what comes after for the people I will leave behind.  

I'm sharing this for anyone who needs it, but I'm more than willing to learn how you deal with the same fear, if you have it as well. 

...TER's Day Thursday: The Day This Houseband Broke Down...

"They say you don't grow up you just grow old
It's safe to say I haven't done both
I made mistakes, I know, I know...
So many people close to me cut me down
This is supposed to be a bad luck town
I jumped, I fell, I hit the ground
But here I am alive"

- Here I Am Alive, Yellowcard



Back in 2016, I broke down.

From having a decent-paying job that had me dealing with different types of people from business owners to security guards, and my close family and friends within reach at any time I wanted, I was suddenly alone in our room in Singapore.

It was my day off from my job as a cashier in a hawker-cum restaurant serving Filipino dishes.  

Everyone had gone to work, and I was sitting alone, chatting with my cousin and my close friend who were miles away, talking about stuff we might be talking about over drinks if it were a year before.

I didn’t realize that I was lonely.

It took 10 years of being together before I popped the question to Che, because all that while, I thought it was only her who needed to be ready to settle down.  

When we got married, I readily packed my bags, and didn’t look back as I started my new life.

I took the first job that gave me a chance, and I thought everything would be ok.

I was talking to a lot of people again. I had the respect of my co-workers, I was learning some cooking techniques and managing operations, and I was able to earn something for myself.

However, on that day, as I was talking to two of the closest people in my life who wished we were drinking while we were talking, I felt an incredible sadness filling me up.

Later that night, I talked to Che about everything that was going through my head.

Suddenly, tears just started falling.

Before I knew it, Che was feeling my sadness as well.

Back then, I thought mental health and depression were just excuses for unexplainable poor behavior or toxic mood – I wouldn’t take it against them, I’d probably talk them through it, but I guess I didn’t really understand it as a real thing.

I know that my episode of breaking down is not nearly close to what people with depression or poor mental health have on their bad days, but it helped me understand that it can happen to anyone, no matter what you tell yourself to keep you going through the day.

Learning and understanding this state of mind isn’t done by experiencing it once in your life. I think there’s so much more layers to it, and I do want to understand it better because I don’t know who within my circle would fall prey to it.

I wanted to share what helped me get past my experience, and what I learned by talking to a couple of friends who had/have similar experiences.

1. Find your happiness

It’s so easy to say but almost impossible to do.

However, I guess what I learned is that happiness is not something you work towards, but rather something that you discover.

Goals like reaching the top position in your company, owning a car, buying a house, or whatnot are things that you work for, and achieving them will give you momentary bliss, but it’s not happiness.

I believe that happiness could be a passion, a person, or maybe even a place.

In my case, it was Vino, my kid.

My happiness, at one year old.

A little after my episode, we learned that we were pregnant.

I was happy because it was one of my goals, but at the same time, there were uncertainties we had to face; were we ready, will we be able to raise a little human, can we support our lifestyle?

More than three years after we welcomed him to the world, the uncertainties have not completely diminished, but I know that my heart is full with him.

I understood then that what made me feel empty was the fact that I couldn’t let go of the life I had back then. However, once I held Vino in my arms, I knew that I was finally ready to live in the present and just look fondly back at the past.

2. Conquer Your FOMO

One of the rare times the boys were complete.

The Fear Of Missing Out is something that was difficult for me to admit and overcome. It seems juvenile for a 30-something to claim to have, but I guess I had it.

See, I was the guy who you could call on literally any time and I’d be there as fast as traffic would allow. My mom would call me a boarder at home because I rarely stayed in.

I had my circle, and constantly kept that circle growing. It didn’t matter if I met up with one person, two strangers, or a bunch of friends of friends – if there was something happening, I was there.

And suddenly, I was in a different country.

Sure, I have friends here, strangers to meet, friends of friends who would get together, but I needed to start my circles from scratch, when I had my whole life building one back home.

Seeing everybody in my circle through social media go on with the life I enjoyed with them back then made me feel alone, because I was missing out on so much.

From time to time, I still feel envious of my friends who can get together like I used to with them, but understanding my priorities in life helped me get over my FOMO.

I could choose to go back to my comfort zone – activate my circles, find a job back home, and be mobile again. However, my circumstances are different now, and the responsibilities I carry as a husband and a father weigh far greater than what I had then.

3. Live at Your Own Pace

Similar to FOMO, seeing milestones achieved by your peers can force you into thinking that you’re not doing enough in your life.

We learned this early in our relationship.

Che and I have been together for close to 16 years now, and are approaching our fifth year of marriage.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing, and about five or six years into our relationship, our friends were starting their own families.

For every wedding we came to, or every time the topic of marriage came about, she would ask me why we weren’t seriously discussing it yet.

One of Che's closest friend's wedding, which sparked one of the many discussions we had about the topic

Back then, both of us had white collar jobs, but we had pretty crappy spending habits as we fully enjoyed the fruits of our labor. Che also wanted to accomplish a lot of things – three of them were to get a Master’s Degree, teach in the University, and work overseas.

I told her that she would not be able to accomplish any of her goals if we got married “just because” everyone else was tying the knot. I even dared her to find someone who wanted to settle down with if she thinks I’m waiting too long.

It was a risky dare, but it paid off.

She went to Singapore, found a nice job, and improved her financial management skills to a point where she is able to balance responsibilities and indulgence.

She wasn’t able to accomplish all her goals, but she doing damn well with the one she set off doing.

By the time we got married, we did it in our own terms – we got the date we wanted, the place we chose, and spent it with the people we wanted to share it with.

Don’t measure your success by what your peers have accomplished.

Comparing your status with your peers will not get you anywhere if you sulk in envy, make assumptions on how they got there, or just talk about them with other people.

Take inspiration from them, and act on what you can control. You may not get what you want immediately, but at least you started working towards it.

4. Be Confident in Your Own Skin

I’m not the best looking guy.

Heck, Che had a crush on two of my classmates who didn’t even know her but never really admired me for my looks.

However, as a famous Filipino line goes, “daig ng madiskarte ang gwapo.” (A resourceful person beats a handsome face)

I didn’t try to sweep her off her feet by acting like Lee Min Ho or anything, I just genuinely cared for her more than I could care for myself.

Since we got married, I have been either jobless, a cashier for a food stall, or a freelance writer.

According to the social norms we have grown accustomed to, I am not a person that commands respect because I don't have a high enough position in a company or something.

I have had close friends and even relatives who would tell me that they “expected more” from me or that I “wasted” my “potential” by ending up where I am right now.

If I allowed myself to crumble to these expectations and social norms, then I will probably don’t even deserve self-respect.

Instead, I choose to take pride in who I am.

Thankful to be able to meet new people who appreciate me for being who I am

If I can’t be proud of being an average-looking, dark-skinned houseband (house husband) whose only job experience in Singapore is a cashier at a food stall, then who will give me an ounce of respect?

Even if I don’t bring in the big bucks, I carry myself with the confidence of someone who owns a business.

It baffles people who are so used to living in a predictable reality, and somehow gets them to treat me as an equal.

I always believed that at the end of the day, absent all the titles, the fancy clothes, and our looks, we’re all just people, and no one has the right to look down on others under any circumstance.

It’s not outside the realm of possibility that people still look down on me behind my back, but those are things that are outside my circle of influence.

The most important thing to have is belief and respect for yourself – if it resonates to others, then it’s just a bonus, but it should never be the goal.

5. Verbalize Your Feelings

As the title of a hit Korean drama goes, “It’s OK to not be OK.”

As of this writing, we haven't finished watching this yet, but so far, it's been great

We live in constant fear of being judged, which leads us to always pick up a mask to show we’re doing just fine even if we’re scarred beneath it.

During my episode, I realized that I kept so many things inside so that Che and our housemates wouldn’t be worried about me.

Back then, I felt like my issues were so miniscule compared to the stress and problems that they had to face on a daily basis at work. I didn’t want anyone to be burdened by listening to me because I didn’t even know if they could help me.

I felt like a waste of time.

It took a while for me to admit to myself that it was weighing heavily on me, and before I fell hard on my worries, I learned why they called your partner a “significant other.”

There was no other person in the world I would have poured my heart out at that time but to Che, because no matter how insignificant my issues were to the world, we made a promise to God that we would be together for good times or bad, and I had a duty to share my “bad times” with her.

It was only when I was telling her everything that all those uncontrollable tears fell down from both our eyes.

After that, it was easier for me to admit my moment of weakness to other close friends.

While not everyone has a significant other who they can share all their worries to, I believe that everyone has at least that one person who they can trust with certain things.

Even if they take it negatively, verbalizing your feelings for the first time will make it so much easier for you to share it with others, which would help you learn who among your friends genuinely care for you, and who are exclusively for fun and games.

However, everything must start within yourself – never think that you are insignificant, because you matter.

If you don’t think that anybody has time for your worries, you will never have the courage to share your feelings which will eventually eat you up inside. 

...TER's Day Thursday: Revealing My Kitchen Secrets...

I didn’t know how to cook.

I love eating, but I didn’t really have that urge to learn how to cook as I grew up.

Discovering new flavors are always exciting for me, which made working in the manufacturing industry quite fun for me, because it taught me how to discern flavors (and fragrances) on a different level.

It didn’t make me want to cook though, because I felt like the best part of the cooking process is the payoff – eating.

However, after I proposed to my then-girlfriend, I realized that I was going to be leaving the life of comfort that I grew accustomed to, and I needed to learn how to cook for my would-be wife when we’re living together.

About five years in, and I believe that I’ve cooked enough to say that at least I am no longer a kitchen newbie because a number of people already think I can cook well while quite a few have validated that thought.

First post-marriage cooking post on my feed. I've cut down my prep time over time owing to familiarity.

I think I’m on the level of when I’m part of a group that asks “who here knows how to cook?” I can confidently, but slowly, raise my arm.  

I’m writing to share the secrets I’ve learned along the way, which may or may not help you in your culinary journey:

1. Make Technology Work For You

Before I cook a dish, I usually scour the internet for the appropriate recipe. When before, you only had cook books and family recipes to teach you how to cook, you now have a plethora of recipe sources right at your fingertips, so make use of it!

I think half our spice rack was filled because of the stuff I put on this rub.

“Julienne” was an alien term for me, but it was a common word in recipes, so I’m guessing even if I had a cook book with me, I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own.

But because I live in the age of YouTube, I was able to learn that technique and a lot of other processes by watching how others did it.

Unfamiliar ingredients are also easily learned with a simple Google search, and if I can’t source it out, finding the appropriate substitute (and even where to buy it) are similarly solved by asking the almighty Google.

Just like there’s no one way to cook Adobo, there’s also a variety of ways to cook any dish, so I usually check out about five or six recipes before deciding on which steps I could replicate with consideration to availability of ingredients, tools, and skill involved.  

I always imagine what the effect of each step does to a dish, so if I think one recipe has a good idea but another has an efficient execution, I would fuse those together to come up with a dish that tastes nice in my imagination.

So far, it’s been helpful.

2. Conditioning Through Description

I enjoy watching cooking shows and anime. I’ve watched most seasons of Masterchef, a Korean series about a pop-up restaurant in Spain (Youn’s Kitchen), followed Cooking Master Boy, Yakitate Japan, and Food Wars to name a few.

Souma from Food Wars cooked this dish with a seemingly legitimate explanation regarding the onions.
Found out it had real-life truth, so I decided to try it.

In all cases, I would imagine that the food they serve are amazing, just based on how they describe it and how they react to it.

Of course I know that some of the anime dishes are probably impossible, while I’m guessing not all of the food served in real-life shows taste as well as they sound, but if left to your imagination, it could stay as an amazing dish.

Over the years, I’ve learned to be confident in anything I cook. After all, if I didn’t like it, how else would others receive it?

From time to time, I build up excitement for my dishes – during the process of cooking or preparing the dish, I would create anticipation by telling those who will eat that I’m about to do something amazing, or that I’ve tasted parts of it, and I feel like I nailed it.

4 out of 5 times, I would get a positive reaction when they actually taste the dish; of the 4, maybe only 2 really liked it, while the other two didn’t dare offer their criticism thinking they might offend me. The one who was not as impressed as the other four would offer a half-hearted praise before stating their criticism.

Personally though, getting someone to take a bite of my cooking is winning half the battle. Seeing them finish their plates is satisfying enough, but getting seconds is really humbling.

Who knew confidence could add such flavor to a dish?

3. The Home Cooking Adventure

I’m not a professional cook, and I didn’t take any cooking classes. That said, I don’t want to teach how I cook my dishes not because I’m selfish, but because I don’t have the proper credentials for it.

Besides, all my dishes only have a list of ingredients, with no defined quantities. See, I’m the guy who would chop half a head of garlic when a recipe asks for two cloves.

Considering I don’t feed paying customers and I really enjoy food, I treat each dish as an adventure – I never know how it will turn out.

I don’t have a specialty dish, because if you asked me to cook you that delicious Paella that I cooked for you once, what I’ll serve you next time will not be the same, but I believe you’d appreciate it differently.

Looked for a Paella recipe because that Christmas' theme was Spanish. This was version 1.0.

It will be a different kind of delicious, because I would take notes from the last time you tried it, and will try to improve the dish based on your taste preference.

I grew up in a family that doesn’t have a heritage recipe, but what my wife and I have in common is that both our fathers rely on the “Pacham” method of cooking – “Pachamba-chamba” or “Luck-based” cooking.

It may not be consistent, but on the bright side, eating Adobo for five straight days won’t be as boring as it sounds because it will seem like it was cooked by five different people.  

4. Presentation Is Everything

Food blogs and food reviews are always a great example of item #2 of this blog. If having an item about TV shows influencing my cooking is not enough to tell you how much of a sucker I am for reviews, then let me share another point.

When How I Met Your Mother had an episode about “The Best Burger in New York,” I tried to hunt down my own “best burger” in Manila, and took food reviews as bible truth.

That’s when I realized that some bloggers would exaggerate their experience because they are paid or they got free food. (for closure on this story – Sweet Ecstasy is legit, quality of Charlies’ went down a bit for some time but I’m not sure if it picked back up again. Shake Shack was nice when we visited last year.)

Still, they got the job done when it comes to having at least one person try out their place.

Given this, while I’m no influencer, I understand that social media allows me to extend my food experience with my circle of friends.

Missed Shakey's Manager's Choice Pizza and tried to make my own. Looked close enough, I thought.

While my dish could only feed three and a half people, maybe thirty more can experience it through the pictures I post on my feed or story.

As such, I make always make it a point to make my dish look pretty.

Even if you can’t taste it, at least I was able to share my dish to your imagination and make you wonder how good of a cook I am.