...On Finding the Perfect Person...

A blog I’ve been meaning to write for the past couple of weeks. It should’ve been done as soon as it popped in my head, but I didn’t have the chance to write or post it. Anyway, here goes.

Che and I broke up last May, ending what has been a 4 and a half-year relationship. She blogged, something she never did, I wrote, as I always did. People around us were caught by surprise with this news, what with most of them knowing us as a couple for most of our acquaintance. It seemed final, and events that transpired between then and now can only attest to the finality of that break up. We were in good terms, but there came a point that we just had to cut all ties to be able to live completely independent from each other.

Eventually, we got around to talking again, tried to tie loose ends. She’d like to have me back in her life, as I would her, but a couple of factors came to play, at least for me. One, I thought it was unfair to her, if I came back to her after an episode with another girl. Two, I thought about what people might say. And yes, though I should be the last person in the world who would probably think that that matters, I actually thought it did.

I wanted to completely move on from my episode before I can truly pursue Che the second time around. I didn’t want to have my mind drifting away thinking of another person if I was with Che, so though we were in good terms, I didn’t want to ask, I didn’t want to move to another level. The other thing that was pulling me back was what people thought. It mattered now, because my pride is on the line. I said before that I wasn’t going to be getting back with Che, and at the time, it seemed so sure. Now, my pride didn’t want to eat itself up with those bold claims.

But then it came to a point where I just cared for her more than I could care for anyone else. There was just me and her. I wasn’t stalking anyone anymore; I just wanted to know what was up with Che’s YM status. I wasn’t waiting for a call anymore during lunch; I was just interested in knowing if Che ate hers already. I wasn’t looking forward to going home early to go online for Skype; I was thinking of ways to pass the time so that Che might notice I’m still in the office past 6:30PM and might think of asking me out for dinner (or find it as an excuse for me to ask her out).

Ultimately, we got together simply with this dialogue:

Me: ..So, mei boyfriend ka na?
Che: Meron! 
Me: Sino?

 
And just like that, we’re back to where we were before. Probably a little more grown up, but definitely with more open eyes.

And so, here’s my take:

Everybody’s looking for their perfect someone, the ideal person. Most of the time, these people who search for that being are those who are labeled as NBSB if they’re attractive, and, well, you don’t label the ugly ones, you just say “oh.” This is their best answer to the question "bakit wala ka pang boyfriend/girlfriend?"

Well, I’ve got news for you. He/she doesn’t exist. That perfect person is only perfect in your mind but never in reality. With time, you’d realize, he/she isn’t anything more than any other person you could’ve been with. You search for the ideal person, and might turn out as who you pictured him/her to be, but as a couple, you probably wouldn’t be able to stand him/her.

I said this before in Che’s debut, and I’ll say it again; she is not my perfect girl. She is anything but. She’s not the chinita, petite, fair-skinned, (slightly) chubby girl that I had pictured in my mind. But she is, I think, the right girl for me. We have our differences, true, but we can live with it. We know what the other one needs and what the other doesn’t. There are irreconcilable differences between us, but aren't there in any relationship? After all, we are two different people. We can’t have the same wants, needs, opinion, and attitudes. We just have to work our way around it to get to what’s important: the person to love, detached from all the worldly worries.

 
As there is no perfect person, there is no perfect relationship. Any relationship, no matter how smooth it may be, can always be broken off if one of the parties involved decide that it’s not working anymore, when one of the parties decide to lose hope that the relationship can work. No relationship can sustain itself. People in it just have to make it work.

And we both want to make this work. We've made it work before, and we are confident that we can make it work now and in the future. We're not a perfect couple; we may not epitomize the ideal for each other, and we may have different opinions about stuff, but we feel right for each other. And that's what matters most. 

And so, eating my pride and my words declaring we won't get back together, I say here for all you readers to read:

I love you Che, let's make it work. 

For you, non-believer, for you who doesn't like the idea of us back together, just live with it. After all, you may not be living a perfect life yourself. I like this. We like this. You don't matter again. You have your opinion, but then, we'll be the ones who are going to be together, so, leave your "expert opinion" to yourself.

I don't care if you think that I/she deserves better, what matters is that we feel right for each other. No one can dictate who's better for who, because like I said, it's the people in the relationship who make it work. For our relationship, your opinions are as useful as a jacket in the summer; it's handy to have if the cold weather decides to mess up the sunny skies, but normally, it can be buried beneath all the summer clothes.

For those who liked the changed relationship status, thank you. For those who didn't, I'm sorry that you're disappointed, but I'm not sorry that we made us happy.

...My Christmas Wishlist of 09...

I never got around to writing the blogs I've been wanting to write for the past couple of weeks. So before I sleep, I want to get at least one of them out, umabot man lang bago mag-pasko. 

Last year, I made me my Christmas wishlist as early as October (http://voltz1129.multiply.com/journal/item/108/.my_christmas_wishlist...). Somehow, I think it is kinda effective, as I got 5/10 of the wishes I made within the year (3 of which, my sister was influential. Labshu.) . Now, since this is a late post, I somehow got some of it already. These are personal goals, but of course, gifts are always welcome.

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1. The Suit

I always wanted to have one for myself.  I always borrow the suits I wear for such events as my Grad Ball and Confuician Night. I wanted something that looks nice even on jeans. 

And of course, it is essential to have one in stock just in case Uncle Barney decides to show up and asks me to suit up.

2. Air Bed. 

I wanted an air bed for my room before, and then there was this one time when I saw a detachable sofa-like rest for the bed, and I liked it even more. It would save a lot of space in my cramped up room. For one, I could let go of Bochok's (My big teddy bear Che gave me a couple of years back) rocking chair, and have him back in my bed.

 

(*note: Picture not exactly what I saw, but it looks nice too.)

 

 

3. Big Ass Headphones

 

 

After watching 500 Days of Summer, I was a bit enamored with the idea of buying me some big-ass headphones for the ultimate introvert experience.

 

But since this is a late blog, I need to scratch this off now, as my uncle gave me Sennheiser earphones. They're not as big, but they get the job done.

 

 

 

 

 

4. A New Pair of Adult-Looking Eyeglasses

 

I have a pair of black, plastic eyeglasses. They're somewhat durable, it's multicoated, and they work out nice. But then since it's somewhat becoming a fad, I think I want to break off from it. So now, I want those sophisticated-looking glasses, but not too sophisticated to make me look old. Just something that looks nice if they have those transition lenses (those that go dark if there's too much darkness).

 

But since my mom got me these, I can actually scratch it off. I wanted it for Christmas, that's why it still makes the list.

 

 

5. PSP Stand 

 

I'm torn about this one since I have one already. But mine sucks, really, and it always falls off. I want one that's more stable, so I can play me movies while I'm driving without worrying if the thing's gonna fall off after a hump.

 

 

 

 

 

=======Gifts-that-make-sense End Here=========

 

6. 3 Musketeers

 

No. I will not get tired of wishing for this year in and year out.

 

Chocolate over chocolate goodness.. Aaaah..

 

 

 

 

7.  Toy Chopper

 

 

I may not not have that much time with me to play with these kinds of toys, but it would be nice to have one. I dunno why.

 

Siguro poser lang ako. Wala naman kasi ako chopper, so kahit laruan na lang.:P

 

8. Robosapien

 

This has probably got to be the most useless thing I want, and most expensive one at that. But if ever I do get to earn money that can be burned for nothing, this would top my list as that which I am going to buy.

A remote-controlled slave. If only for that, I want this 6k-worth toy.

 

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I realize that I scratched off two things from my list even before I wrote this blog, but hey, how was I supposed to know my uncle was going to give me these kick-ass earphones?

 

Anyway, I am in a blogging drought right now. I can't think of words, and I can't write stuff. I was back reading a couple of my "emo-state" blogs, and I realize there were actually some stuff I've already written that are funny. Dapat yata bitter ako para nakakatuwang basahin posts ko.

I'll try mushy tomorrow. For now, sleep is what's important..

...The Blame Game: On the Maguindanao Killings...

(Sorry naman, wala sa Multiply ko un option na palitan un fonts sa maliit o malaki, un mei bold, underline, at italic. Inisip ko lang, naaangkop sa panahon ang blog na to, at baka ndi ko na ma-resolba na ang kaso bago ko pa mailatag ito (best joke ever: mabilis na hustisya sa bansa). Pero, siguro, isa na rin sa mga dahilan ay para maisulat na ang mga ideyang baka sabihin ay ninakaw sa iba. Hindi ko naman sinasabing sa akin lang nanggaling ang mga ideyang ito. Napag-diskusyonan namin ni Sof, Len, at Che ang ilan dito habang kumakain, at ilan pa habang nanonood kami ni Che ng Bandila.)

*eto na, edit ko na.

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Beheading by chainsaw. Raped. Shot in the Head. Shot in the Privates.

These are but some of the inhuman acts that were done to some 50+ people in Maguindanao. It makes one sick to hear about it on the radio, it makes one’s heart sink to read it in the papers, and would probably make one puke if the TV didn’t blur out the images. I don’t get to read/watch/hear news much, but these things can’t just go on happening without you not even knowing a single thing about it. So now I say, before I am cast as an idiot for not knowing the REAL deal, I have little knowledge about this whole event, I have watched some news, read some articles, and discussed with people, but that’s about it.

I’ve cooked up some conspiracy theories, after discussing some scenarios with friends. Yes, they’re probably sick, but hey, considering the way they killed people the way they did, I’m probably not as sick as you think.=P

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1. The Victim.

Filipinos love the underdogs, the weak, those getting bullied. What if Mangudadatu himself plotted this whole thing to make it appear as if he is the victim here, like all the families of those who were butchered in Maguindanao. Everyone’s dead anyway, so who’s to say what really happened? His wife got killed, among others, and what better way to gain sympathy votes than pointing the blame finger on your political rival? While his sympathy votes skyrocket, the Ampatuans will forever have that tarnished name to carry with them, and will never be trusted by anyone’s vote anywhere. So, then, was it really that much of a sacrifice? The loss of some 50++ lives in exchange for the eternal blemish on the Ampatuan name?

2. The Fall Guy.

There’s Ampatuan Sr. and Ampatuan Jr. Ampatuan Jr. comes out and gets arrested, but claims innocence, saying he wouldn’t show himself if he was guilty. What if he wasn’t? What if it was his dad who ordered the killings? “Technically”, he wouldn’t be guilty, because he didn’t do it, his father did. And “technicality” is the way to go around loopholes these days. What, so you can place obvious campaign ads from January 2009 because “technically” you’re not yet a candidate since you haven’t filed your CoC yet? Please.

3. The Vigilantes.

While Ampatuan claims innocence, he points at the MILF to be the responsible party. Of course! Blame it on the terrorists! After all, they’re used to getting blamed for ruthless killings to scare people off. But then what are they to gain by doing what they did? They could have been paid to do what they did, if they did, but by themselves? These people are rebels, for sure, but they’re fighting for a cause. And this advances nothing. But you know why this blame-it-on-the-MILF thing won’t get any headway? Our dearly beloved president has proclaimed herself as the “Czar of Anti-Terrorism” to the whole world a few months back. While blaming these killings on the terrorists would surely get some steam off Ampatuan’s back, GMA’s reputation would be hit hard, as she would appear incompetent, not living up to her self-proclaimed title that made some leaders look up to this punitive lady president.

4. The Poor.

In the last presidential elections, GMA won decisively in the province of Maguindanao. “I…am…sorry” never absolved her from the “Hello Garci” scandal. Vote buying was obvious. Poverty is so rampant that people would do anything to score instant cash. Now, this “Boy” character comes out and claims he’s one of those who killed the people on site, and says that Ampatuan himself ordered them to kill the Ampatuans specifically, and spare no one else to eliminate all witnesses. If he was telling the truth, well then, great, because we at least know who should burn 8 times in hell. But what if he’s but another pawn paid to further enhance Mangudadatu’s side of the story?

5. The Hero.

Going back to the premise of Maguinadanao being GMA country, I can only speculate that it’s either she’s paid good money, or they truly, genuinely are loyal to GMA. Maguindanao did whatever it took to win GMA the seat she has now, the seat now in danger of being claimed by someone that is not her ally. Now, presidential aspirant Gibo Teodoro, acting on his Secretary of Defense duties, has taken Mangudadatu under his care, and Ampatuan behind bars. What if all those killed were willing victims who sacrificed themselves for their queen’s successor? That this was a whole set-up to give Teodoro the chance to serve justice swiftly, and be the toast of the town for doing such a fine job at giving justice to those who died?

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It’s sad to think that people’s lives have been reduced to insignificance. Ampatuan, as we know, is an ally of the president. The politics game says that the rival political parties would prey on this incident to say that the administration’s candidate is incapable of leading the country as he can’t even lead his own party into agreement. And because of that threat into their party’s and their candidate’s integrity, the Palace is stalling until they come up with an acceptable decision for the people, while not damaging their own political asses (no, not “assets”, as they’re taking care of their own, and not just their people’s. It’s not misspelled. I did mean “asses”; that which they take care of. With how I am disgusted with them, I see their faces and asses looking all the same). How fucked up can the government be, to make justice for these people take a back seat to their political agendas?

No, I’m not trying to take a hit on Gibo. I concede that he’s a great guy, a capable leader, and a competent person. I don’t hate him because he’s with the administration, or because I’m not going to vote for him, I hate him because he showed up on the screen right after Pacquiao raised his hand in victory after he defeated Ricky Hatton. I mean, what the F, nobody cared who he was. And that was in May, for crying out loud. We only cared for the fight, not his freakin "Congratulations" to Manny. And now, he’s tangled up with this mess, among others. I can only pity him for having to stand up for what GMA has done over the years while trying to prove to the country that he can lead us into progress. Hey, I guess his being with the administration ticket does have an effect on me not even considering him as my president: he’d spend the next few years of his presidency trying to justify that the projects GMA undertook were for the good of the country.

It seems absurd, to me, that the brutes who killed all those people had the time to rape women, but did not have the time to dispose the bulldozer bearing the name of Ampatuan. Whether it was planted or just sheer stupidity on their part, we'd probably never know, as everyone else won’t. But of course, we all want to know the truth. Hopefully, the MILF comes out with something to take the blame or dismiss Ampatuan’s finger-pointing. That takes one less party to blame, at least.

But really, with how those people were butchered, I sincerely hope that those people so detached from their conscience don’t get to sleep at all, and not be able to live with themselves. We can only hope that that small amount of humanity left in them might wake up, and admit to the heinous crime that they have done, that all that must be held responsible suffer the consequences of their actions.

Nobody deserves to die the way those people did.

(version 2.0 na to. meron na ko nagawa kanina, 6 points pa nga instead of 5. kaso nag-hang ang lekat na multiply. at ndi ko na mapiga sa utak ko kun ano ang mga nasabi kong detalye. iba pa rin talaga yung tulak ng emosyon yung sulat kumpara sa humuhugot mula sa ala-ala.)

...On the Idea of Death...

This is an overdue blog. I think I wrote it a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't want to post it without having the chance to edit my fonts. I'm well aware I write painfully long blogs, so anything that would make it more readable is a must for me. 

But I think that piece was a bit unorganized. I hope to do a better job.

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I'm reading vampire novels, but not the Twilight kind, but the True Blood ones of Sookie Stackhouse. While reading one time, I felt my body shudder. I thought again of that which I fear most, death. 

It's long fascinated me, what happens after what we call life? Is there afterlife or is there just a pitch black void? Would our souls roam about this world, stalking people? Could we be reincarnated? Are we to live again as people, or as animals? If heaven did exist, is that where we will be forever? If hell did, would we suffer for all eternity without having any means to redeem ourselves? What if we professed the "wrong" faith? Could we still have the same capacity to think as we can now?

Our professor back in college mentioned that we probably do not fear death. What we probably fear most is the idea of the unknown.

I said time and time again that despite Philosophy as a course seems to limit my employment options, I do not regret taking it. It has given me great insight on things people don't usually talk about or dismiss as absurdity. We don't always get the answers we are looking for, but at least it made us think. We got to exchange ideas about it, and to some extent, we learned. It truly is a pursuit of Truth. 

I'm a curious kind. An extrovert. Someone who wants to be in the loop of all things. I can't stand not knowing what people around me are talking about in their "private language". I find it difficult to be alone, not being able to talk to someone. I want to know answers to questions if they pop into my head. 

It's probably why I fear death so much. Dying is ultimate solitary confinement. You have no one but yourself. No one (probably) to talk to. No one to gossip around you about other people around. It's one thing that I can know that I think is useless. I want to know things because I want to share my knowledge with people. But what's the point of knowing the answer to how death is if I can't share it with people? 

I don't know how to die. There's no way to know for certain, no way to wish how. It just comes. You know it may come anytime, but you'd wish it didn't happen soon.

In that light, I think that's why I want to meet someone this early in life. I may not be ready for a family as of yet, but I'd sure want to be at peace knowing I have a significant other in my life. Someone to share everything with, someone to matter to me as much as I would to her. Because at the end of the day, when death comes, the idea of you will just pass in everyone's lives, like everyone else, and will be forgotten eventually. But if to at least one person, you mattered like the world did to her, you'd live in her memory forever. If only through memories, you'd still live, you'd still have someone. And that grave that will have your name written on it would at least have a frequent visitor.

...And only then would death feel not complete aloneness. 

I may not know how death is, but for certain, it is a life that is completely distinct from the one we are conscious of now. And to be celebrated or remembered by those you have left in this world will mean, at least to them and to you, that you have lived a meaningful life.  Isn't that what matters? 

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I realize I write only cheesy/emo stuff on my blog. Kala mo exception na to? Wahahahahaaha... Sorry naman.

...Of Facebooking and This Generation...

It looks like fun to be a kid these days. Back then, we played with guns made out of wood by some bum living by the creek. Then my Amah (Chinese grandmother, FYI) sees my wooden gun, thinks it’s dangerous, and decides to buy me a plastic AK-47 that makes noise whenever you pull the trigger. When I got back home, I was “the man”; while they wasted their saliva making gun-sounds, I just had to pull the trigger.

 Now, they have freakin laser tag.

 

Back then, you can best each other by showing how far you’d go in Mario Brothers, or show you’re some kind of game guru by doing the 30 lives thing in Contra. Then after a few years, there was Sega. Then Super Nintendo (SNES baby!!). Then Playstation. Then Dreamcast. Then Playstation 2. Then Gamecube. Then XBOX. Then Wii. Then XBOX 360. Then Playstation 3. Then all of a sudden, the secret of Contra’s 30 lives is printed on a t-shirt.

 

Technology develops so fast that it’s almost impossible to keep up. What you know to be “advanced” now is ancient in a matter of years. Months even. You can’t buy a laptop today because you know that in about 2 months, they’re going to come up with an upgraded version of said laptop for the same price.

 

This world that offers you so much actually teaches you how to settle for what you have. You can’t kick yourself in the butt thinking “I should’ve waited for version 1.2!” when you needed version 1.1 earlier.

 

Most of the youth today, those clogged up ages 30 below, sometimes laugh when old people ask them about tech stuff that seem complicated for them, but to the youth, it’s basic troubleshooting.

 

Example:

Old Person: That’s too cute! How do I watch it?
Young Person: Just go on Youtube and look for *insert keyword here*
Old Person: And then?
Young Person: Jeez… Then you click whatever hits you have.
Old Person: Hits?
Young Person: *sigh* The results you get when you put in the keyword in the search box.
Old Person: So you have to be connected to the internet to do that?
Young Person: K

 

Pagers to Cellphones and Computers

 

Looking back though, who stole what from who?

 

Wasn’t it that gaming consoles were made for kids because the old people made use of computers? But, as technology moved along, the old people got left behind, and the younger ones got to learn more. And now, kids/young people act as if people aged more than 40 don’t have a right to be handling a computer.

And remember those beepers/pagers? Weren’t they for business people as well? It was text messaging before text messaging, a means for bosses to remind you that you’re late for a meeting and whatnot, or something that could tell you that your date couldn’t make it.

 

Cellphones of old were meant to be a mobile device which would make it easier for you to keep in touch with everyone else. It didn't matter what it looked like, or how big it was (though the smaller it was before, the more "advanced" your model was). It was an effective tool for those who can get to use it, but an essential device for businessmen.

 

And how does time mess that all up?

Pagers have become obsolete faster than Sega. Heck, kids in grade school probably don’t even know pagers existed. Or the Family computer-like Sega console. Nokia probably messed it all up. It introduced the integrated pager and cellphone with the 5110: a mobile phone with SMS capability, and Express-on Covers to boot. In no time, it made having a cellphone fashionable.

 

Now, it’s funny that you don’t want to allow your parents to have the latest phones because you know they wouldn’t know how to use it to its full capacity.

But really, when you think about it, they should have a right to own the latest gadgets as well, considering they did kinda start the whole cellphone thing.

But yeah, your lola of 70-80 or so shouldn’t be meddling with those stuff. Masyado nang pa-in. That’s why the Bayantel commercial was funny.

 

Facebook and Tracking

 

Hasn’t it become pathetic to watch soaps with the protagonist (in heavy drama mode) saying he/she will disappear forever in their lives? You know that can’t be true nowadays.

 

Cellphones have made it that much easier for people to keep in touch with each other. And now, there’s Facebook and Twitter.

 

Friendster was such a hit back then, but could only touch base with the youth (and some perverted sex predators). Then Multiply and Myspace came, but again, could not break through to the older generation. Facebook, on the other hand, made it that much easier for people to find people, young AND old. I read somewhere in the Inquirer, I think, that Facebook has become our real-life soap opera.

 

For 160 characters, you can summarize your day, express how you’re feeling, or share some random thoughts. It has almost eliminated the term “kamusta?” when people meet up.

 

Twitter, for its part, makes it easier for people to keep track of celebrities or friends. They also have that shoutout thing going. I’m no “tweeter”, but from the looks of things, almost everybody is.

 

It has its perks, really. Facebook lets you keep track of your friends’ (or selected friends’) lives, as it’s more of a close-network thing. Twitter makes it easier to keep track of celebrities’ lives, not to mention showbiz talk shows digging gossips through Twitter feeds. As proof of that, unconfirmed reports from NBA.com say that a player has been traded, but by the time that report came out, people already knew the player was traded via his personal tweet.

But then the downside comes. You can’t go telling your parents that you’ll be working overtime or studying with friends when your Twitter feed says you’re having the time of your life at the hottest new club in town. You can’t call in sick when your status says you’re on a road trip.

 

So while I say that we can’t take computers away from the old people, I think I’d want to draw a line in Facebook and Twitter. Social networking started with people under 30. Anyone above it is like a lola of 70-80 trying to get “in” with it.

 

--> Me trying to justify why I haven't added my mom, an aunt, and my closest co-worker in Facebook.

 

…On Boredom, Alcohol, and Clingyness…

Office days suck. After Ondoy ravaged the metro, I came back expecting heavy backlog. But I had none of it. I was even able not to go to work for 3 days last week (well, Monday was somewhat reasonable, as cars still can’t go through our village’s gate). Now, I come in the office to sleep, actually, occasionally play solitaire, mostly go on Facebook, probably read the ebooks sent to me, and maybe (if boredom strikes so badly) play Dissidia. I leave at every chance I might get, but don’t have anywhere to go to.

I’ve been saying I need a better job, but I guess having this lazy atmosphere kinda pulls me back from looking for a new job. After all, where do you get paid for sitting around all day and just occasionally get overworked?

 

I plan on finishing my contract (which ends on Dec 31 of this year) and not accept any more extensions so that I may be pressured to look for a new job. Well, if they take me in as a regular employee or if the Singapore team decides they can train me, then I would gladly oblige.

What sucks is that since days have become so uneventful, I can’t even blog about something. I would have wanted to write something fun or random, but I can’t even think of any random thing to take a stab at. So I guess emo blog it is (half of it, anyway).

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On Alcohol

I have come to realize that I am not an alcoholic. Yes, I can drink, I may ask you to drink out, but I think drinking is merely symbolic for me. My not wanting to be alone has drawn me to invite people out for coffee, beer (or cocktails that make your shit green), dinner, or even ice cream. It’s an excuse to be with other people, but gives the other person a definite plan of what’s to be expected when we see each other, and none of that awkward what-do-we-do-now discussions as soon as we meet up.

I realize that if I was an alcoholic, I’d want to drown all my worries away with alcohol. But knowing full well that alcohol can’t really take it all away (as it all comes back to you as soon as you recover from a hangover), it’s not the first thing that actually comes to my mind when I’m having problems. Blogging would probably be the first (as the height of emotions inspire me to blabber continuously, even carelessly), and company would follow as a close second. Company would dictate what comfort activity follows; drinking buddies would want to drink buckets of beer or whatnot, coffee lovers would like to have caffeine be our alcohol, and those not really as close but are actually as concerned could be invited for dinner or ice cream. But knowing I can manage to turn down my cousins' constant offers last week (I adhered to their request 2/5 times), I think I can enjoy going out even if there's no alcohol involved. If I were an alcoholic, invitations like those are never turned down.

However, I could be mistaken for an alcoholic, because drinking would be my choice of poison. I have my reasons though.

 

1. It gives one a feeling of euphoria, and for the time being, the table in which one sits is the only world there is. It doesn’t matter if you’re shouting at each other’s faces, it’s just fun.

 

2 It gives such a confidence boost that you’d accept almost any dare that comes to you. Heck, if there was a fight that broke, you’d be sure as hell one won’t back down even if the opponent’s bigger, especially if the asshole did something to your peers who have done nothing to wrong him. (Well, at least, I know I would.)

 

3. Three, it’s always fun to watch your drinking mates wasted and saying stuff they wouldn’t remember they even said. Extra fun if drinkmate puked. Super fun if drinkmate puked on another drinkmate. Not cool if you get puked on. Waaaaayyy uncool if you’re all riding your car.

With your world reduced to what’s in front of you, people laughing at the dumbest jokes, and friends talking in a manner they normally don’t, drinking with friends can be a really fun experience. No matter how therapeutic/economical ice cream, food, coffee or blogging can be, none compares to the mindless fun drinking alcohol can offer.

 

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On Being Clingy

I hate the feeling of being an afterthought. You know, the last person you’d get to think of inviting (“Nakakulong na si Bantay? Tsk. Ah! Si Volt, malamang pwede!”), that person who’s needed more for what he can do rather than his company (“Di tayo kasya sa kotse eh. Text nyo si Volt, mei kotse yun”), that person whom you wouldn’t have noticed missing (*after 2 hours and 3 buckets of beer* “Si Volt pala, tinext nyo?”).

It’s probably partly my fault. I’ve been unavailable for so long that people have gotten used to inviting me late, since I’ve turned them down one time too many before. But somehow, it sucks to think that your function has exceeded your being.

One time, commuting with Imon to take Ella home, I had a feeling of peace. Closing my eyes with my earphones on, listening to my music, it felt simple, peaceful. I remember those times back then of commuting with Che from UST to Quiapo to Pasig, then to Cainta. It was difficult at times, but back then, I felt I was needed for me, which was kind of sweet, really. She’d have that feeling of security just by holding my hand as we walk through the Quiapo underpass. Then she’d feel comfortable sleeping by leaning on my shoulder. Then the car made life easier to travel. After a while, I felt needed only for the purpose of taking her home without hassles, not because she needed me, as there were no more shoulder-leaning or hand-holding while walking on a potentially dangerous place. Her cellphone had more attention than I did. [I write with what I felt, not what she wanted me to feel. Before you judge her, know her side. Otherwise, shut up.]

Yes, there are also times when the car makes life easier and sweet as well, especially if you’re driving an automatic. A long drive from, say, Valenzuela to Robinson’s Ermita is something you’d wish wouldn’t end, so that you’d have more time to hold hands until it sweats, and more time to look at the shy smiles that come your way while driving through traffic. But that’s another story.

The thing that I’ve come to realize is, that I’ve become dispensable. Like the rest of the human race, it’s something that I’ve got to deal with. The world wouldn’t stop when I die, it’s no different from not being in one’s life; it would still go on even if you’re out of his/her life.

It’s pathetic, really, to cling on to things/people/habits, because it’s only torturing myself remembering what’s no more. But somehow, it’s having those things that make me remember the good times, seeing the people make me remember how much fun we had with each other, and exercising the habits make me feel secure, like holding another’s hand, and it makes me feel that I’m not entirely alone.

Much as I’d want to move along with my life, I appear to be clinging on to my past. But personally, I think I’m moving along fine. Yeah, there’s a bit of bitterness along the way for humor and half-meant sadness, but overall, I think I’m good. After all, you don’t forget about addition and subtraction you learned in 3^rd grade when you study multiplication and division in 4^th grade. You add to what you know, not forget what you already have after you’ve learned something better. (Note: Fine, mathematics probably isn’t the best example I could give, considering my expertise on the subject, but that’s it’s the most fitting analogy I could think of.)

Right now, I’d settle being an afterthought, probably. I would’ve wanted to have a best friend, as being a pseudo-best friend doesn’t feel quite the same (especially if you thought you weren’t just an afterthought to him/her… oh, that’s assuming. My bad.), but I guess it’s difficult to find one at this day and age when everyone seems to have someone. Being an afterthought may suck, but at the end of the day, you were part of a list. It may have been a long list and you’re at the end of it, but at least you were part of something.

Who knows? Maybe this harsh new reality for me (it is harsh for the mushy person in me who emo’s it up every once in a while) is just like the long commute I went through from way back: difficult, yet sweet and honest.

...On Tragedy...

Never in my wildest dreams that these stuff would actually happen within my proximity. Floods that devour houses are, in my mind, reserved for news reports. 

In my 19 years of living here in our current home, we were never bothered by floods, no matter how hard the rain fell, no matter how flooded the other phases were, our home stayed safe. Last Saturday, as my mom was to go to the market, they literally tried every car we had to try to get her there, but the flood was too much even for out 6-wheeler truck. By afternoon, our street had ankle-deep water on the street, which meant that this rain was by far the strongest that we've experienced. My dad and my uncle went to help out at my aunt's house some streets away, as the flood was coming into their house. Some time later, my mom got a message from my aunt saying their fridge fell on my dad's foot.  I rushed without thinking, as I wanted to do what I can to help him. For the first time in my life, I experienced flood that was actually up to my chest, even up to my lips, and even strong currents brought about by the flood. I thought it was a stupid idea, rushing to my aunt's house knowing I'm the only one walking down the street and with just a slip,  I could die, and no one would even know. 

Thankfully, I got through, and learned my dad was ok. I got to help an old lady from across the street who had their house almost completely submerged to move to their neighbor's 2nd floor. But that was all the tragedy I experienced. I can't say the same for all the rest.

All the time that I was at home, bored out of my wits, all I could think of was how my friends were. I can't do a freakin thing, because the rest of our village is pretty messed up as well, and I can't even ask how my friends are doing, and what I could do to help. 

After the storm, my 2 uncles and my aunt's houses were a mess, my 2 uncles both had flood ruin their cars. As for us, we were lucky enough not to have lost anything, nor did we suffer the same fate as millions have. I can't thank the Lord enough. Today, instead of going to work, I helped my uncle out, and asked to help Issa out as well. More than my willingness to help them, I actually wanted to do it to give back to God even just a bit, after keeping us safe throughout this whole ordeal. 

It's refreshing to see strangers helping strangers out. Media pathetically hypes up some prominent people who help out, but really, what's important is that people help people out. Because it didn't just happen over the television. Because we can actually do something to help. 

I would've wanted to write a longer piece on this, considering the time I spent away from the computer. But really, I can't say much about what happened. The wreckage I see outside everyone's houses say enough. Less talk, more do. 

Let's move and try to do whatever we can to help the others.