I'm well aware I write painfully long blogs, so anything that would make it more readable is a must for me. But I think that piece was a bit unorganized. I hope to do a better job.
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I'm reading vampire novels, but not the Twilight kind, but the True Blood ones of Sookie Stackhouse. While reading one time, I felt my body shudder. I thought again of that which I fear most, death.
It's long fascinated me, what happens after what we call life? Is there afterlife or is there just a pitch black void? Would our souls roam about this world, stalking people? Could we be reincarnated? Are we to live again as people, or as animals? If heaven did exist, is that where we will be forever? If hell did, would we suffer for all eternity without having any means to redeem ourselves? What if we professed the "wrong" faith? Could we still have the same capacity to think as we can now?
Our professor back in college mentioned that we probably do not fear death. What we probably fear most is the idea of the unknown.
I said time and time again that despite Philosophy as a course seems to limit my employment options, I do not regret taking it. It has given me great insight on things people don't usually talk about or dismiss as absurdity. We don't always get the answers we are looking for, but at least it made us think. We got to exchange ideas about it, and to some extent, we learned. It truly is a pursuit of Truth.
I'm a curious kind. An extrovert. Someone who wants to be in the loop of all things. I can't stand not knowing what people around me are talking about in their "private language". I find it difficult to be alone, not being able to talk to someone. I want to know answers to questions if they pop into my head.
It's probably why I fear death so much. Dying is ultimate solitary confinement. You have no one but yourself. No one (probably) to talk to. No one to gossip around you about other people around. It's one thing that I can know that I think is useless. I want to know things because I want to share my knowledge with people. But what's the point of knowing the answer to how death is if I can't share it with people?
I don't know how to die. There's no way to know for certain, no way to wish how. It just comes. You know it may come anytime, but you'd wish it didn't happen soon.
In that light, I think that's why I want to meet someone this early in life. I may not be ready for a family as of yet, but I'd sure want to be at peace knowing I have a significant other in my life. Someone to share everything with, someone to matter to me as much as I would to her. Because at the end of the day, when death comes, the idea of you will just pass in everyone's lives, like everyone else, and will be forgotten eventually. But if to at least one person, you mattered like the world did to her, you'd live in her memory forever. If only through memories, you'd still live, you'd still have someone. And that grave that will have your name written on it would at least have a frequent visitor.
...And only then would death feel not complete aloneness.
I may not know how death is, but for certain, it is a life that is completely distinct from the one we are conscious of now. And to be celebrated or remembered by those you have left in this world will mean, at least to them and to you, that you have lived a meaningful life. Isn't that what matters?
Isn't that what matters? ==================================================================
I realize I write only cheesy/emo stuff on my blog. Kala mo exception na to? Wahahahahaaha...
Sorry naman.
Sorry naman.
You know, I've wondered about that. What do you with an AB in Philosophy? thanks for the insight.
ReplyDeleteon the subject of your blog, though, my bigger fear about death is leaving a lot of things unfinished or unsaid. so, instead of fearing death, consider it as an inspiration to seize the day. ika nga sa "Rent", forget regret or life is yours to miss.
good luck with your quest, voltz!
Volt! Just read your entry and we're both on the same page. I've always thought about how things will be when we die. I'm not suicidal but you can say that I welcome the idea of death because like you, I want to satisfy my curiosity about it. I have always thought the essence of death depends on the perspective of the person who dies. I have always believed that the human mind is powerful and capable of perceiving these situations of mystery. I think that death is freedom: freedom from the phase we are currently in.
ReplyDeleteAnd my friend, I also believe that our ticket to immortality is the pen. Maybe, that's why it's mightier than the sword.
@niki: it's an endless learning process. but if one wants to make a career out of it, then teaching is the way to go.:p
ReplyDeletethere are always two sides on a coin. there's always the possibility of thinking "what if" you chose another path, like it or not. i could say i live a life of no regrets, but somehow, it's not enough. iba pa rin un relationship na nabubuo sa ibang tao.:p
@gersh: fascinating, huh?:p kaso ayun nga, kakainis pag nlaman mo sagot, ndi mo naman maishare kahit kanino.:p
ReplyDeletepag cnu na lang mauna, mumultuhin ung maiwan para makagawa ng libro about it.:p deal?:))
yup, the pen.:p journal is the way to go.:p
pare, deal yun. haha eh pano pag sabay tayo? death is really fascinating and at the same time frustrating. too many questions yet the answers are non-existent. You have to undergo the journey to figure out its meaning. An interesting climax to this moment we call life.
ReplyDeleteanother nice one.
ReplyDeleteon the subject of death--i had faced it twice in my life, and maybe that made me grew out of my fear. tanggap ko na to, not that i want to rush into it, but understanding that everyone will have to enter it, on their appointed day. kagaya mo i also wonder what's behind the end, but i dont fear the unknown, excited pa nga what the unknown would eventually reveal... hehe, baliw noh. sana lang at the end wala ng rally sa kabilang buhay bwahahahahaha. ;))
may takot din pala ako, may takot akong makasakit sa mga taong maiiwan kung sakaling mauna ako. pero sila naman ang mapagpasya para maigpawan yun. mumultuhin ko ang mabagal magmourn hehe, dapat parteee agad., nyahaha gumaganun.
@gersh: walang sabayan.:p sayang chance natin malaman.:))
ReplyDeleteis it a climax or an anticlimax?:p
@pia: i've gotten used to debating in my head, kaya nakakatakot para sa kin un possibility na ndi ko na magagawa yun after death.:p
sige papagbilin ko magdala marching band sa lamay mo.:p
feeling completely and utterly alone in death, sucks, right?! But then again, would you still be able to feel alone, eh deds ka na nga. :)) gaguhan eh noh. emo much ka eh. wahaha
ReplyDeletebadtrip. death and all its uncertainties makes me want to meet Eric na lang. para problem solved. :p
@issa: but then again you'd have to think of Godric and his view on the eternal life, vampiric as it may be.:P kaya nga ako napaisip nung binabasa ko eh. there is that uncertainty in death, that "unknown", yet is it that much better to live an everyday life for the rest of eternity? feeling ko un mga mei problema gustong uminom kasi in that state of wastedness, it's that much easy to sleep, to escape sanity and consciousness. that peace is what some look forward to in death, where that escape is a permanent fixture. if you lived for thousands and thousands of years, what "peace" would you look forward to?
ReplyDeletehaha..:p ganun talaga. emo man, ndi naman suicidal.:P napapaisip lang.:)
I am most certainly afraid of death, as you've said, UNKNOWN - and for someone like me who always has to know, well, certainly I fear not knowing. =)) Another thing I am afraid of, is the thought that I have not shown enough, or given enough to the people I love. That's also one of the reasons why I hate unresolved things - I'll take it with me forever when someone I love died and the last thing we shared was a fight. I shudder at the thought.
ReplyDeletethat's the thing, if you've gone over to the other side (death), would you still have the idea of your life that you experienced here? if not, then would it even matter that you left some things unresolved?:P
ReplyDeletewe're human, nothing is never enough.:P
there's a nice song by chris allen about the subject, "gotta live like we're dying" ata un title.=) wala lang.=P
Ay. I agree. Nothing is ever enough. Walang nakukuntento.
ReplyDeleteever. o nga. sori.:))
ReplyDelete