...A Decision...

It is with a heavy heart that I am making a decision. It is a necessary one, and I have decided to stay on with my job, and give up a dream.

I got in this job because I said I wanted to help it grow. I wanted to help in any way I can. It is a frustrating industry, in the sense that sales take such a long time. I count months or even years before a project moves forward. I know I can sell stuff, but there's just something missing.

I applied for a sports writing job. I was offered one. It was a dream. I get to do something I like. I get to wake up in the morning to watch a basketball game because it was part of my job. I get to promote sports like it was a secret that I love it. I get to work with awesome people in a vibrant office that I know I will enjoy. I get to open doors to media like I've always wanted, considering the friends I have in that industry. 

My boss had set the following conditions: that I settle the balance for Bruno (my car), wait until he finds a replacement, and don't leave before February. The last one, new job advised will be no problem. The first two were major issues for me, but I know that if I do decide on taking the new job, I'll find ways to deal with it. 

Over the past week, I have been lost and broken. Do I give up on my current job, where my boss has given me trust that he doesn't usually give to people so that I can take a step towards a new beginning? Or do I turn down the dream, and stay on to do more and set out to fulfill the goal I set out to do in the first place?

On the things to consider, I ultimately came to a decision which I think is the best for me, considering "me". 

I can't give up on my job. Not now. Not yet. I took this job with a goal of helping this company grow, of earning and validating my boss' trust in me for the opportunity he has given. I wasn't built to not finish things that I started. I realize that I do eventually need to move on from this job, but I think now is not the right time. That trust, though earned, has not been validated. The company is growing, but I know I can do more for it. 

I did explore the opportunity because I really wanted out. I really wanted a fresh start this year. But in the end, I just couldn't do it. I can't just leave my boss, not after everything he has given me over the past couple of years. I am deeply wounded by the fact that I let a lot of my friends down. I let some new friends down, thinking I would really help them with what they're doing.

But I needed to decide for me. Emotions aside, I considered the financial aspect of this decision. I will earn from the new job in three years what I can get here in two or even one. I can freelance more often with my current job than if I am working steadily as a writer. I considered my passion. I tried to make a fantasy blog earlier in the season, a blog dedicated to games. I couldn't keep it up. I didn't write an article if I felt like I wasn't enjoying it. And because of time, I just couldn't keep it up. I love basketball. I love writing. If it becomes a chore, I'm afraid I wouldn't have a personal escape. I thought that I needed to keep my passion different from my job. Basically, those two aspects contributed greatly to the decision I made.

I write this to explain one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make, to remind myself not to regret what I have done when I had this chance. I wanted that job so bad, but at 26, I'm no longer that idealist who must always choose a job that I love to do. I'm that practical person who looks at his bank account and sees the need to take that which makes it grow more.

To my unrealized co-workers, I can't thank you enough for the chance you have given me, and the confidence in what I could do with you. Words cannot describe how painful it is to decide against taking the opportunity to work with you. I look forward to work with you in another capacity, and enjoy drinks with you at times of leisure. I can't say when I'll be ready, but I will be certain when I am. If I truly am meant for that world, I am hopeful that circumstances will coincide with opportunities. 

But right now, I think this is the direction that I need to take. Despite all the signs given when I first had these realizations, against the advise of some trusted friends, I took this road again.

I may not have taken the leap to a new beginning, but I am, taking the dive deeper into the ocean I'm swimming in. All things considered, all things said, I still think that I am choosing "me".