I've never thought that I'm good at anything. Basketball knowledge, probably, but in this basketball-crazy country, who isn't? I've thought of myself as being capable of being able to do a little bit of anything, so that I'd be flexible enough, then cultivate that one thing that I'd be needing in the industry that I finally fall into. That's why I took a call center job. That's why I was confident to leave it after three months. That's why I took an English tutoring job. That's why I decided to leave that for a "better" opportunity as a temp in a multinational company. That's why I was so sure that taking my current job is the best thing that's ever going to happen to me. I get to help the company, and I get to have a respectable career.
And then "me" starts knocking. After a series of disappointments, a couple of screw ups, some small victories, and receiving perspectives, I took a step back to re-evaluate my life; where I am, where I'm going, where I want to be, and where I really want to go. I hated myself for realizing this now, and not 5 years ago at least.
I didn't know where I wanted to be at this point in my life. In the ideal world, back when I was a bright eyed young boy who thought everything will fall into place after I graduate, I thought I'd be married by now, waiting for my first kid. Year by year, reality speaks to me through my bank account and my professional state. I decided to be patient, thinking I'm planting the right seeds and I'll soon reap the fruits for it. Three years of trying to impress came down to shit in my previous job. My current boss saved me from that, and I thought that was the fruit of my seeds. And now I realize, I can be really good at this, but I want to be great somewhere else. As great as he turned out to be, I wasn't like him, and I couldn't be like him because I didn't want to be like him. I wanted to be me. And "me" is someone who loves to write. "Me" is someone who thrives in competition within a group. "Me" is someone who needs people around.
To some extent, I feel that I am fulfilling my goal when I took this job, and that is to be able to help the company grow in any way I can. I'm a "helping-people-out" kind of guy, so I thought this is the perfect job for me, who basically had no real "dream" job. And then the realization that I wanted something. I can't stay on wanting to help others while I can't help myself.
The most difficult part of this decision is the fact that I don't really need to leave. I have no reason to. It pains me to decide that I want something else when I am given the trust, patience, and opportunity that I am being given here. It pains me to disappoint the person who has given me so much.
And yet, if I do go on, I may not be helping myself. I may be growing, but I don't think it is what I want to grow into. At 26, I don't think I have much time to spend thinking. I need to start deciding what I really want, and doing something about it. Speaking to my boss about it is a step.
During the whole time I was afraid, it seemed like God was dropping all the signs that I shouldn't be. From status messages by friends to opportunities opening, it was almost like some girl was dropping all the hints that I should talk to her. I decided to take the leap. I'm not really sure if these opportunities are still here by the time I may be available, but I can't wait forever I needed to do something about what I want.
And while I am forever grateful at all the opportunities and trust given to me, I think I need this.
I need to choose "me".
This....
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