...failure...

I once said that death is my biggest fear. Why? I don't know. I fear the unknown: do devout Muslims go to heaven? Are devout Christians reincarnate? Would Buddhist monks be rewarded by Allah? What happens after you die? Is it complete darkness, or do we wake up as a completely different person? So many questions one might be able to answer after he dies.    

Right now I'm jobless. I left my call center job because it doesn't feel right. I studied 4 years of philosophy only to answer calls and taking crap from racist Americans who are too lazy, if not stupid, to read their contracts before they sign it. Now, after a month being laid off, I'm almost desperate finding a job. "Candidate must possess high scholastic records". I don't have that. I spent my college life serving a community that I grew to love, yet I feel that love went unnoticed. So many people believed that I could be the next president of AB, and I worked  towards fulfilling that trust given to me. Apparently, those "many people" were not enough for me to win that position. I spent my years trying to serve that community because I knew I wouldn't be able to get such high grades. I focused on other things. Now, it seems to haunt me. People I served who I thought would be able to help me get somewhere seems lost. Sometimes, I refuse to seek help because of pride. As a result, I am nothing more than a satisfactory Philosophy graduate who has no job and only has a brief stint in a call center to mention as his job experience.

"Mag-aral ka na nga lang ulit! Mag-law ka na. Kesa wala ka namang ginagawa dito sa bahay. Papaaralin ka na lang namin ulit habang kaya pa namin. Wala pa sa mga pinsan mo ang mei ipagyayabang talaga."   

i wanted to pursue law. I really did. But I think after considering my life in college politics and those I learned in Philo, the whole point of me going to law school was gone. I know law is not all about politics, but my drive in entering law was trying politics out. Now that that's gone, I don't think its still for me, law, that is. Maybe I'm also afraid of failing the bar exams.

Now, thinking about it, death isn't my biggest fear, failure is. Failure by not meeting expectations set by people for me. Failure by not achiving my dreams. Failure by not living a better life than my parents.

Dying as a failure.

Now I understand that that is my biggest fear. And if  pressure could kill, I'm almost as good as dead.