...A Perspective on Relationships...

I love hearing about people's problems. On one side, it makes me thankful that I don't have such a shitty life. On another, by actually making others feel good, I get a feeling of being wanted, of being appreciated. Over the years I have learned why women loathe men, but do understand and accept some of our behaviors. I'm not a matchmaker for my friends; I rarely have a friend meet another friend so they can hook up precisely because I don't want to be the cause of each other's anguish.

In this light, let me offer a perspective on men, from a man's standpoint, but with sympathy to women, and on the flipside, offer some insights on men that women may not realize.

1. The Concept of Ligaw
The "Best Foot Forward"

It may be an old school tradition, and some may say they don't believe in it, but trust me, this shit happens. Men are always concerned of leaving a first impression for the women to keep wanting more. It may not always be the roses-and-chocolates type of approach, it may just be the unusual attention to details, the unwavering eye contact, and the gentleman approach in every possible opportunity. Don't get me wrong, the dude may really be interested in the girl, and this may actually be his norm, but most of the time, it's not.

What Women Need to Know: Consciously or not, men do put their best foot forward until you are really impressed. You will not know for sure based on time; the faster you say "yes" to a guy would probably mean  a shorter time of enjoying what you enjoyed, while the longer you make him wait, the more that he'd expect more from you as soon as you say "yes". My advise is to play it cool. Don't jump the gun too fast, because you're not giving him enough time to prove himself. Don't make him wait for too long if you think you really like him, because by that time you're chasing him, and he'll enjoy the fact that you're on his leash. If you really like someone, just freakin say it. Don't be too impressed, because he may stop trying if he's wowed you enough, but do learn to show genuine appreciation, because if not, he may think his efforts are futile. If after you get together, he stops doing the things he usually does back then, don't try chasing him for it. You didn't ask for that Teddy Bear or that long walk home, why ask for it now? Let him want to do it again by not letting him feel you're ok with everything. When you're together, as long as you say you're ok, he'll think that you are because he thinks there's an honesty between you two already. If he doesn't make an effort despite you dropping hints or saying what you feel outright, then you may have just fallen for the guy who loves the chase, not the girl.

What Men Need to Know: Don't set a bar too high for yourself if you can't keep it up. You give a huge Teddy Bear and a bouquet of roses on your first date, what if you didn't have the cash for the same things for your next date? Set a girl's expectations on levels that you can manage. If you can't, then don't give her reason to think that you're always like this. Usually, when you get the security that you want (i.e. girl becomes your girlfriend), girls look for the "you" before you got together because you lose the effort trying to impress her. Understand that they liked you for a reason. If you don't want those reasons to be material, don't give constant gifts. If you don't want to spend your time window shopping, politely say you won't do it, because when you do get together, she'll expect that you'd come with her constantly. If you do join her for window shopping just because you want to be with her, then that want of being with her shouldn't die down when you do get together eventually. If you can't suck it up, then you don't want her bad enough.

2. The Concept of Security
"Let's not lose the friendship"

Most of us hate being alone. It's almost natural to think that we're meant to be with another person, as husband and wife are called each other's half. That said, we often look for close friends to be around with, but we feel most secure when we establish a romantic relationship with another person. Things become complicated when friendship turns to romance.

What Women Need to Know: As mentioned earlier, after you've given that much coveted "yes" to a guy, they have a certain kind of security that you'll always be there. And if you break up in good terms, the guy will always think that you'll be there waiting for him, even if you say you're not. Chances are, by breaking up in good terms, you probably still are wishing he'd realize he needs you in his life. What follows is a series of "why the hell did I do that" moments for you, as the guy will milk whatever leverage he might have on you. Without the commitment, he's free to try his luck with any other girl, of course, while keeping you on the side as his "friend". Learn to love yourself more, rather than thinking you love someone so much that you'd do anything to keep him. On the flipside, if it was the girl who likes to keep the guy as a "friend" right after the break up, know that though we may not show weakness, we do will get hurt if done the same thing.

What Men Need to Know: You need to stop being fuckin pricks. You broke up, stop flirting with her. You give men the bad rep we have to live with. It doesn't matter how good you were as friends. You can't say you "don't want to lose the friendship" because you risked losing it when you decided to become a romantic couple. If you're not sure, put an effort to make it work. If you're certain that you want to break up, do it and don't look back. Sure, it's always nice to have the perfect arrangement of having a pseudo-girlfriend with the mutual understanding of what it is you're doing, but don't tell me you won't punch the dude who becomes her boyfriend while you're in that floating stage of your relationship.

3. The Concept of Habits
"We've always been like this"

Over time, you will build habits with your partner. Be it the period before you get together, or during the time that you are together. You will become comfortable with these habits, and usually would want to hang on to the relationship just because of these habits.

What Women Need to Know: To keep the relationship healthy, you need to move away from these habits. Everything is always exciting over the first three months of the relationship; you don't know each other well enough to know what to expect from your partner. There's a good chance that your partner can still "wow" you with some stuff, and vice versa. But like everything, it may become routine, and one may lose interest in the relationship if those surprises don't happen. On one side, by getting too used to routines, you might look for it when you break up. The long talks, the constant movie date, and the shoulder to lean on among other things are those that you'd long for after the break up, and you tend to gravitate towards your now former partner despite supposedly needing space from each other. Sure it's always sweet to say that he's the only guy you'd want to be with, but really, you can't let your world revolve around just one person. If all your habits are tied to one person, what happens when you lose that person? Make your own habits.

What Men Need to Know: Usually, we put it upon ourselves to make an effort for the relationship. What we do eventually become those habits. Understand that after breaking up, the girl you have formed habits with will most likely look for it at times. Of course, you may want that as well. But again, you decided to break up. Work things out if you want to stay together, but when you decide to break up, let it be over. No revisiting habits. It will only hurt you both if you later don't get back together, because one of you might move on a little faster.

4. Knowing When to Let Go

With an illusion formed during the courting stage, the security felt upon confirmation of mutual feelings, and the habits formed over the course of the relationship, one may mistake "love" for one of these things. Girls may have fallen for the illusion that the guy is full of surprises and will always make time for her; guys for the illusion that this is a great girl worth doing stuff for. Then you get to know each other a little better and you suddenly don't like them as much. Couples may be happy with the security they have with each other that they wouldn't want to let go of this certainty despite the fact that they are not as happy as they would want. Sometimes, couples mistake love with a person to love of the habits formed.

How can you say you love a person? It varies from person to person, I guess. In my opinion, it is when unconsciously, you think of them all day. You'd know because when you buy groceries, you'd remember to look for something for him or her. Or while talking to other people and a topic suddenly shifts to something of interest to him or her, you manage to talk about your partner. He or she is the first person you'd want to tell great news to. Despite a long and tiring day, you don't feel as bad when you get to be with him or her. At the worst times in your life, only that person will make you feel somewhat better because of their mere presence. You want to make a change in yourself because it would make him or her happy. Heck, you do or learn things to make him or her happy. It doesn't matter how tired or busy you are, you always manage to find time for them. You push yourself to make an effort to see them if they can't make time for you, because chances are, if he or she feels the same, they'd really appreciate you being there. These are, I think, some things a person does for love.

If things aren't as great as they were during the first few times you were together, determine and accept if you have fallen for mere illusion. Don't try to stand by your decision to be with him or her if only to tell yourself that you made the right choice of choosing them because that will only make you miserable. If you have feelings for another or feel happiness in the presence of others more than your partner, then maybe you're keeping him or her for your own security. Be fair and let him or her go. If you can't deal with the fact that you don't have anything to do if you lose him or her, then you probably are just hanging on for the habit, and not for the person. Let the person go if habits become more important than him or her. If the person ultimately decides to be "just friends" after things "didn't work out", it means they don't want to fight for you as much as you would. You will be their security. You will make yourself miserable by waiting and wishing they'd come back. Let go. Cliche as it may sound, but if you're really meant for each other, they will come back. Let them make that effort to win you back. Don't wait for the time that they'd just come flying back to you, because who knows, maybe things just "didn't work out" with another person, and you're the only sure thing in his/her life.

Learn when to let go by learning to love yourself above all else. When you appreciate yourself, you will loathe anyone who hurts you, and you will understand why people are saying that he or she is not right for you. You need to draw your own lines because nobody can tell you what you should feel about someone. You may not know what you want or what you need, but you definitely will make the best decisions for yourself when you learn to love "you" more.